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OK, so about two months ago, I left my ex after a two and half year relationship filled with pain, fighting and clear unhappiness.
Now I find myself talking to many girls, especially after starting at a new school, but I just don't seem to have anything to say to them, or just how to talk to them. After all this time.. it seems as though I forgot how. Apparently, it isn't like just riding a bike.
Anyway, if anyone has any advice, please let me know :)
Well, from a girl's point of view, when I met guys in college (I'm assuming you are college aged) I liked talking about:
-where they were from
-what they enjoyed doing, such as sports, etc.
-what they were studying and what they wanted to be
-our school's sports teams
Depending on the girl, she'll enjoy talking about current events, pop culture, or something more philosophical. Stick to the things you know and enjoy, which will match you up better to girls with whom you have something in common. After getting the basics, you usually can find something you have in common.
Yea, I am just starting college this year. And maybe you are right about just talking about things I know and enjoy. Although I believe two people in a relationship should have stuff in common, individuality does add a certain je ne sais pas to the relationship.
Thanks!
Still open to anything people can suggest.
I found myself in such situation too. I'd say this is the temporary effect of a real hard breakup. Of course I'm still interested in looking at some girls, but when it comes to talking I just don't feel like it.
That's a sign telling me I'm not ready for any girls right now but it all depends on you whether this temp. behaviour stays long or short.
Im going to piggyback my answer on Just Looking's.
Stick to things you know, things you enjoy. You never want to look at girls and try and determine what they like and what tey want to talk about because then you're not being yourself. You can sit and talk about things she likes but if its no interest to you then it will be harder to find that common ground.
Start with small talk just like Just Looking said. It will develop from there, I promise.
Rick
**Lots of reading, but well worth it. I apologize for the length!
Talking to girls is actually a LOT of fun if you have the right mentality about it. I have a thread about this in the dating section and I recommend the read.
Few things I want to point out to you:
1. Talking to a girl is NOT always an avenue to a relationship. It would be foolish to look at "talking" as a way to attract every female (in other words, don't have expectations when you talk to a woman)
2. Have confidence in who you are and what you are talking about
3. Pay attention!! Make eye contact, smile and RELAX.. this isn't an interview
4. Have fun. When you talk about something do it in a way that fosters communication and enjoyment. You can read when someone has no interest in talking about a specific topic.
5. Girls LOVE guys that have the ability to open up about certain things that they ordinarily would be known to talk to other guys about. Sports is huge, for instance. Most girls at colleges love their sports but guys assume they are just bimbos who paint their nails and go to sorority functions... wrong!
6. It is important to make a conversation based upon strictly friendship at first. If you walk up to a female with one thing in mind, it becomes easily readable on your part and they will sniff it a mile away.
It is easy man, truly. Sometimes we just get so caught up in the moment we forget that girls have the same problem, just different cultural (or more like social) norms for handling it. Have fun, be yourself and be able to BS about different things. By BS I don't mean be a good liar, I mean be a good talker AND listener. You can build a lot of your conversation by taking avenues that the female responds to. To be honest you can tell within the first 2-5 minutes whether they have ANY interest in you at all.
I know this is getting long, but here is something my friends and I would do on a normal basis, not for a game, but for self confidence and keeping things in perspective. I PROMISE you the below will work if you stick to everything in it (although I would advise you to get decent at actually opening up a conversation with girls first; this is just a way to get over a fear of rejection later):
Walk up to them, BS with them and then ask for their number. Regardless of their answer, make sure you act like it didn't bother you at all. Their answer and their reaction should have ZERO effect on you one way or another. The key is to ensure that they know you can live with or without them! Maintain the attitude that you couldn't care less whether or not they gave their number to you... You make sure you keep it short and sweet, the less the better my friend!
Thank you all for your advice. Again, I do strongly believe in being myself, so hopefully all of the other advice can help me get over this "fear".
And at the beginning, I felt as though I was talking to them to get into a relationship, mainly to get over the ex which is clearly wrong. But as time as gone on, I've realized that just being to have conversations with them (although rare) gives me some hope for myself.
But yeah, breakups suck. Especially when you leave the girl because you are miserable but still love her nonetheless.
Just relax and be the awesome guy that you are. Girls will pick up on that. In college you get to the point (at least you start to) where girls become "women" who want a smart, confident guy who can hold an intelligent conversation. Like I said, and you have said, don't talk to them simply to get a "date." Talk to them to learn how to mingle with the opposite sex. It is a skill that is very valuable throughout life.
It is a mentality thing, more than anything. I literally do not care if a woman ends up giving me her number or not, and they know that fairly quickly, thus they can read that I am not hung up on their validation to make me feel good. I know I can walk directly to another woman and do the same thing. I find it fun, though, to just converse and be able to make a woman laugh. If you can make them laugh, you are in a stellar position!
One other thing: NEVER FEAR BEING REJECTED. I have been rejected more than I have been accepted, so to speak. EVERYONE goes through it, no matter what, so don't let that trip you up.
I have to agree with that too, and college is already being a good help. I didn't know many people so it forced me to interact more.
I actually went to sleep thinking about this question. KC kind of covered it, but what I was thinking about was adding that girls want to talk to guys. If you are friendly, smiling, and easy going they will want to talk to you. I remember being a Freshman and not knowing anyone at my college. Fortunately, people were pretty friendly. The one guy who I still remember meeting the first week totally caught my attention by being a good listener and showing he was interested in what I was saying. I didn't get the vibe that he was looking for something, but he listened to me, asked questions, and had interesting things to say. He said my name a few times during the conversation, kept it light and natural, and came across as a nice person. The conversation was simply a getting to know you conversation, nothing heavy - where we were from, what activities we like to do, that sort of thing. Also, if you can throw in some humor, I think that's huge. If you can get her to smile or laugh, she'll want to talk to you again.
To add to this, study groups are a GREAT place to break the ice. Talk about their majors and yours or lack of one. Join the clubs in your discipline. Seize all opotunities you are interested in, trips, social, professional, etc. But only those you are truly interested in. Each one of these has its own community. You will meet many girls and have lots to talk about... because you will then have something in common.
Good luck. And Kudos for getting back out there!!
You aren't ready for a relationship, so relax, and just make friends. The best way to be comfortable around females, is to be around them, and be yourself.
Fear of rejection, and high expectations, takes all the fun out of getting to know the opposite sex.
KC, your dead on, man, and I think all the advice is great here for you.
Here is the link you should read.
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating/all-guys-who-afraid-talking-girls-378881.html
Killer: Just make it your goal to go up and approach 5 different women each night you go out. Don't worry about getting "hooked up" or whatever, just worry about holding at least a 10 minute conversation with each. It will do so much for yourself confidence, I promise you. Besides, I find that most girls tend to be much more interesting than most guys I talk to.
Strange - I find it is just the opposite.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
I agree with that. I'd say in general.. well more online than in person but still, I talk to more girls than guys. For whatever reason, they want to talk more.Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
You will learn this more and more... women love to hear themselves talk... :cool:Quote:
Originally Posted by KillerInstinct
(Bring on the negative comments ladies ;) )
Hahahaha! Yes, some I know.. talk and talk.. but in most of those cases, I'm not even interested in what they have to say after a certain point
Okay! I actually love a conversation that is equal. Guys have a lot of interesting things to say, and I like learning something from a conversation. If I'm doing all the talking, I'm not learning. :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by kctiger
Hey, so there is this girl which to be honest, I find quite annoying. She has been a good friend when I've been in need, but lately she acts weird and annoying. She has tried to turn me against friends and vice versa. We are not dating and she tries to make us be closer than I'd like.
What should I do?
Sounds like you need to tell her how you feel.
She doesn't sound like a good friend if she's tried to turn you against your other friends.
I also believe that when she was there for you she wasn't doing it sincerely.. she may have done it for her own benefit.
Either you cut ties with this toxic friend or you talk to her about this problem.
Sarah
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