Ive been dating this girl for a little less than five years, we have been attatched at the hip for pretty much the entire time, we love each other very deeply. Last year on valentines day I proposed to her with a huge diamond ring, she says yes and its perfect, our relationship was perfect. A few weeks ago she goes to stay with her parents just for a visit, she decides to not come home, its 500 miles away, she sends me a message on myspace that she wants to take a break for awhile to figure things out. I send her a message back stating that we've already been through this and decided to work through it and she tells me she is confused, wants to date other people but she still loves me more than life itself, she just doesn't know what she wants and feels were going in different directions in life but can't imagine her life without me, we fight and make up on a daily basis, which is much more than usual, and it seems were working things out but then during a random conversation (not fighting) she says, "oh, i feel bad for saying this but..., you know were still on a break right?". We fight, we make up, she's still confused, what do I do, I've prayed and prayed, lost sleep, please help me.

So this has been going on for a couple of weeks? How many more weeks of her confusion and playing about with your mind and feelings can you take?
I suggest you go no contact with her-tell her you don't want to hear from her unless she's willing to have an adult conversation about the eventual future of your relationship.
She's keeping you hanging around in limbo, and that's not a good place to be.

You say your relationship is perfect, or WAS perfect- unfortunately, that is where things went wrong.
If you do not have disagreements, or the occasional hissy fit, something isn't right. Most people don't like fighting, but oddly enough, fighting to an extent, is healthy for a relationship. As far as I can tell, you are long past due for a love reality check. After a while of being together (studies say after 2 years) love becomes less of a "feeling" and more of a choice.
Which brings me to my second point: This girl wants to take a break and date other guys, but still loves you? She has probably started to see reality as it is and is confused. (I'm currently transitioning from the feeling of love, to the choice of love, it is very confusing. Some days you feel as though you love someone, some days you don't, but you still must choose to love them.)
If she's considering dating guys other than you well, then she doesn't really love you. Love is commitment. If she can't be committed, she shouldn't even consider marriage- and you shouldn't even consider her. You need to ask her straight up where you guys stand in your relationship.

I'd be getting the ring back.

Well, we do fight just once in awhile like any other couple but it never lasts long, but we're sure to correct it. We never part ways mad at each other. I'm making plans to go see her, is this a bad idea?

Music, I totally understand why you would want to go and see her, but I wouldn't advise surprising her. If you decide to go, please let her know, and meet at a neutral place, quiet, where you can just talk without distractions.

Surprising her would leave her feeling very uncomfortable, and put on the spot. She may say or do things because she resented you arriving without agreeing to it.

If it works out and you can both sit and talk, really listen to her, and don't defend yourself if she says something critical, or unflattering, just listen. It is a good opportunity to correct some misconceptions you may have had, and answer some of the more burning questions to learn what happened and why.

Also, try to be prepared with your own observations and be clear about what you don't know, and what you would like to know, without pressuring her. If it all works out to being a situation of agreeing to disagree, or more time is required, then be graceful about it, and accept that without any expectations.

Nobody can predict what you will be able to resolve, or even if anything will be resolved, but, hopefully you will have a sense of which way you're going, and which way she is heading. Be prepared for it to be over, and you won't be totally devastated.

Maybe time and patience is your best friend right now.

But definitely, don't surprise her.

You need to stop bickering and start talking. And, you need to really listen to what she's saying - difficult as this may be.

If your relationship was 'perfect' then you must be able to talk to each other. So talk. She's telling you that she's not happy and that she wants a break. That's hard. But you can't change the way she feels by fighting with her. You'll just end up driving her further away.

I don't advise turning up on her doorstep. She's asking for space and you should respect this. What I do suggest is that you make some planned time to meet and to talk. Ask her to explain what's going on in her head and where the confusion is coming from.

It's really hard, but if she's saying that she wants a break and she wants to date other people - she's really saying she doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you any more. However, she can't keep you hanging on a string waiting for her to change her mind. Let her know that she needs to decide because you've got your life to live as well.

I just found out today she cheated on me. I don't know what to do. Can't sleep, I'm seeing her getting intimate with this guy in my head and it keeps playing over and over and over, I've never felt any pain like this. I'm starting to think maybe I deserve more but then I know I love her so fuking much. I've done everything I can think of. And I have listened to her but she gives me nothing, I've bent for her countless times and she does nothing. I feel I've lost my whole world. I've turned to god but there's only so much grief a person can endure. Please pray for me.

Music, I'm sorry this happened to you.
You're in shock now,have you got people around you that you can talk to?
And how did you find out?
My opinion is that cheating is a dealbreaker. And when we find out that a person is not who we thought they were we walk away,go NC on them and start our own healing process.
Sending you a prayer and take care.

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I'm starting to think maybe I deserve more but then I know I love her so fuking much. I've done everything I can think of. And I have listened to her but she gives me nothing, I've bent for her countless times and she does nothing.

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Of course you deserve more. I'm so sorry that it had to come to this for you to see what was happening. Perhaps you've been blind, and by trying too much ignored the fact that she wasn't available to you and had nothing to give.

In any case, it's done now. You've found out where her loyalties lie, and clearly they aren't with you. She's lied and cheated and disrespected the love you have for her.

It's time to turn to the people that really care about you and ask them for support. Time also to cut her out of your life - hard as that may be. Cease contact with her and talk to your family and friends, they are the ones that can console you now, not her.

Well, she did tell you a few weeks ago that she wanted a break, and she wanted to date other people. I guess she meant what she said.

If this happened while she was on this break, during the time she moved away, then I don't see how it can be seen as cheating; she said she was going to date other people.

Where her mistake lies, I think, is in not completely severing ties with you before she decided to date other people. It is pretty much a given that to jump from one relationship while still having ties to the other not being over completely, will only result in confusion and hurt.

If I were you, I would presume that the relationship is over, because you do not wish to continue with a woman who is going in a different direction than you are. To take her back and try to work things out is an option, if she comes back. But, to sit and wonder what will happen, and when is a waste of your time.

As hard as it is to let her go, it will become easier with time, and you'll soon find yourself in a position far stronger than you were before all this happened to you.

You guys have helped me a great deal. I'm grateful you clould provide some insight because no one around me has anything useful to say, just more bashing on her. I guess there's nothing more to do except wait and think. How can a person just decide when to hurt someone like this, what is the thought process, or is it the lack of a thought process. I know that she cares for me very much, but where does a person get the reasoning when they're knowingly about to hurt someone like this. And its not considered cheating when the person just one day decides to take a break knowing what they want to do and acting on it within say 48 hours. Its wrong to just call a break when you just want to screw other people.

Hard as it is I think you should consider moving on and leave this in the past. When the trust is gone it's very difficult to rebuild. You can't wait around in no-man's-land and hope for a miracle that will not happen.
Take charge of your own life and consider this over and done with.

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Originally Posted by musiclife31

you guys have helped me a great deal. im greatful you clould provide some insight because no one around me has anything useful to say, just more bashing on her. i guess theres nothing more to do except wait and think. how can a person just decide when to hurt someone like this, what is the thought process, or is it the lack of a thought process. i know that she cares for me very much, but where does a person get the reasoning when they're knowingly about to hurt someone like this. and its not concidered cheating when the person just one day decides to take a break knowing what they want to do and acting on it within say 48 hours. its wrong to just call a break when you just want to screw other people.

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When she left to take a break, you were arguing every day as you said. The relationship didn't sound too solid at that point. I don't know if it is a lack of a 'thought process' as you said. If you mean that she didn't think it through, or work harder at your relationship, perhaps she didn't. But, regardless, for her to make such a drastic decision probably didn't happen overnight. Maybe she just couldn't tell you when she was there.

As to her knowingly hurting you, there was no way around that one. She knew that not coming back was going to hurt you, but it was her call to make. At some point, she would be dating other people, also her call to make. It is especially hurtful though, that she started doing that so soon after splitting with you, but it would have happened anyway.

It would not have changed the outcome. She made the decision to leave and not come back. Many people question why their partners have affairs, or why they quit trying to save the relationship, or why they fall out of love. That something so drastic happened and you didn't see it coming, also means a lack of insight on your part. Things were obviously not okay.

You can never predict another person's actions sometimes either, nor could you understand what she's done, particularly if it is something that you wouldn't have imagined yourself ever doing.

Five years is a long time to invest in a relationship, and I realize how miserable you must be feeling right now. I hope at some point you will realize there was nothing more you could have done to save the relationship, and you'll move on as she has done.