I am new to the boards and have read a few posts but not many so forgive me if there's been similar threads. I'm having a bit of an emotional love triangle going on and don't know which way to turn. The good news is no one has cheated on anyone! I am currently in a 4 year relationship with Brad which we share two children. Brad treated me pretty badly in the beginning and dumped me as soon as I had his child or got pregnant. We have had a pretty rocky relationship to say the least but it is now going smoothly. Well, sort of. He has changed a ton in the last 2 years and finally treats me right and our kids right. The problem is I'm just not in love with him anymore. I fell out of love a long time ago while going through our hardest times. I agreed to work it out yet again the last time in hopes we might rekindle something but it seems as if he's the only one who has any feelings anymore. Every time I mention leaving he doesn't let me go. (complains until I give in and go back) Now I have my family telling me what a horrible person I am for leaving with no "real reason". Being unhappy apparently isn't good enough. Me and Brad haven't gotten married because he never wanted to until now. Now I'm the one who doesn't want to. I feel like I resent him too much for the past and will never truly give him all of me anymore. Maybe I'm childish or whatever, it's just hard for me to let things go.
Now onto an even trickier situation. My ex, Zach. We shared something really unique and haven't been able to "let go." It's been over four years since the split but we still keep in touch. I can't imagine never seeing or talking to Zach again. Zach finally got his life together and joined the Army and is living about 4 states away. He was sending me letters about coming to get me (mostly kidding around) and insinuating he still wanted to be with me one day. Shortly after that his ex (the girl after me) went to visit him and they got married so she didn't have to go back home. He has been talking about divorce for 4 months and they just got married 7 months ago! I don't think it has anything to do with me. And he doesn't have anything to do with why I'm not happy in my current relationship. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, is it horrible to still be in love with your ex? Even when they are married? (unhappily) Even when I am in a relationship? I know it sounds wrong, but doesn't "follow your heart" pertain to this? Or maybe not things this complicated. I'm just really confused. I was really hurt when I found out he had gotten married. And he was beyond devastated when I got pregnant with my first child. Still we congratulated each other and tried to move on. Just seems like we can't. Does being with your children's Father really make their lives happier? I can't imagine "pretending" for the rest of my life.. My children's happiness is number one on my priority list. They are only 2 & 3 right now and I know the sooner you get out of something the better. But my biggest fear is to upset them. Does anyone have any friendly advice? This whole thing has really been on my mind 24/7 lately.


*wanted to add- I will never and have never cheated on Brad. I know talking to my ex every now and then isn't the best thing I should do but I at least have enough respect for myself,Brad,and even Zach's wife to never act on these feelings while we are in our relationships. I do know right from wrong, and I want to live by myself with my kids of course but without any men around for a little while to straighten out my feelings. With that being said, my kids have never seen Zach and I wouldn't bring different men around my kids like that. Does this make me any better than anyone else in this situation? Doubt it. But just wanted to throw that out there.
Thanks,
Elisabeth

Follow your heart your kids will always have you n da daddy by their side so be happy and go bak wit your ex but after he gets divorced in da meantime be alone

Thank you. I am sure not all the advice will be as nice as yours. But I am prepared. And I am happy to get a positive reply.

Don't mind da negative comments because they isn't u n its not their life , this site is 4 advice and not 4 judgdment do what your heart tels you k if you eva ned anyone 2 talk I got aim is playboyvane18 or ask 4 my email k tc mama and good luck god bless u

Well it sounds as if you have a good heart, and i'm thinking that you do.

You both want to move on, but can't....

Hmm sounds like you still love each other!?!

But love can mean diffrent things. (Think about it)

Plus no it's not horrible to still be in love with your ex.(as long as it is in a good way)

You should never forget who you ever fall in love with.

Follow your heart is the best thing to do.

Sometimes it confuzes us, but hey..thats life.

Hey brad is a diffucult man.

It always matterzs bout how you feel.

Not the other way around!

P.S Hey you kid(s) will bring you more joy than anything else!

Hoped i helped!

Peace!

Your post is so honest and logical, that I can't find anything wrong to jump on you about. (darnnit) To the contrary, I find it refreshing to read of someone who faces this dilemma with the focus on the right things (kids) and not just on your own needs which I have often said to others in this situation as being selfish. You are unhappy in this marriage and unlike others in similar situations have acknowledged and accepted the circumstances you are in. The decision to remain single and look after your children is a wise one as is staying away from your married ex. I can only have the highest regard for someone who gets it. I don't have a lot to add to your decision except only you are responsible for your happiness. Not your ex, not your husband. I hope you find it for yourself. Great post!

I think Tal said it well here.

These feelings you have are yours. It is obvious that you are a fairly straight thinking and intelligent person. This will hold you in good stead for doing what is right by first and foremost your children and yourself.

It is OK to not be able to forgive Brad for his past indiscretions. You have made a genuine attempt by what you have said to try and do what is best, but you don't love him and in fact resent him for what he has done, then one can't be critical of you for that.

I do think though that you have to make a decision and be honest to all involved. If that means it is going to get a few people offside, well so be it. They haven't walked a day in your shoes so they can not be too quick to judge.

So don't drag this on out of fear. As Tal said you are responsible for your own happiness. Don't go any longer than you already have living unhappy simply to try and please others.

If everything you say here is true then it is time to leave Brad and go it alone for a while. I strongly agree that if you choose to leave Brad then you stay away completely from men for a while. Especially your ex.

You should use this time to get your feelings, life etc in order and ensure the well being of your kids.

Once that has been achieved then you can look at finding a man that will make you truly happy!

Good luck and please keep us posted.