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Hi. I'm having a tough time trying to figure out when to say something when my feelings have been hurt, and trying to determine if I should just let it go. Lately, it's been happening a few times. Our daughter-in-law has made comments that are kind of cutting, although I'm certain she has no idea she's said anything wrong. Then, another individual, who is naturally very reactionary, spoke to me in a way that I felt was NOT OK! (Just really rude tone of voice, a little on the beligerent side, etc).
So, is there some sort of guideline that anyone knows of as to when to confront the person, or when to just "suck it up" and let it go??

Whether you confront the person, or blow it off as a "whatever" sort of thing, you need to forgive the person. Holding it inside and being unforgiving can take it's toll on you years after the incident and is not healthy. Release forgiveness to these people to yourself, you don't have to physically go to them and tell them you forgive them. Remember that these things that were said, were probably not aimed at you with intention to hurt and offend. Confrontation and sucking it up depends on the situation. You can't really suck it up when someone physically hits you, and confronting someone because they had a different opinion than you is just ridiculous. You need to use your own judgment of the situation- don't over-react or over-analyze.

If you decide to confront the person make sure that you put their defenses down by telling them that "you are sure their intent was not to hurt your feelings, but this is how you feel, etc."

Letting things go, and confronting them head-on can only be determined by the person in the situation, your own feelings and comfortability about what happened, the relationship of the people, etc. So, it really is up to you and what you feel is best.

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Originally Posted by jaime90

Whether you confront the person, or blow it off as a "whatever" sort of thing, you need to forgive the person. Holding it inside and being unforgiving can take it's toll on you years after the incident and is not healthy. Release forgiveness to these people to yourself, you don't have to physically go to them and tell them you forgive them. Remember that these things that were said, were probably not aimed at you with intention to hurt and offend. Confrontation and sucking it up depends on the situation. You can't really suck it up when someone physically hits you, and confronting someone because they had a different opinion than you is just ridiculous. You need to use your own judgment of the situation- don't over-react or over-analyze.

If you decide to confront the person make sure that you put their defenses down by telling them that "you are sure their intent was not to hurt your feelings, but this is how you feel, etc."

Letting things go, and confronting them head-on can only be determined by the person in the situation, your own feelings and comfortability about what happened, the relationship of the people, etc. So, it really is up to you and what you feel is best.

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Thank you that's good advise to forgive, and not to "over-analyze"

You need not suck it up and be at the receiving end of bad behaviour. BUT...

Handle it in a step by step process:
--If you really think that the person who hurt you is innocent and has said something out of sheer stupidity, then you can just let it go!
--But if the person is mature enough to know that he/she is being harsh, then you can just tell them that they are being rude. Please take care as to how you deal with them... Please don't get angry, but tell them in a calm tone. Anger will never help them understand your point.
--Never retaliate back with something harsh... then there is no difference between them and you!
--Finally, forgive and let go... never hold a grudge. When you view the other person as a mentally unstable stable who is immature and needs help with their attitude, then you can never hold a grudge..
--Pray for those who hurt you and spitefully use you!

Take care...

Look, it really depends on who it is and what the situation is. Oftentimes people may be rude and belligerent and it has nothing to do with you - they may have had a fight with their partner, their car motor may have blown up, whatever. Sometimes it could be the way that you've approached them, or some comment that you've made.

You need to gauge the circumstances. If you're finding that the situation is repeating itself, for example the DIL making cutting remarks, then I suggest rather than being confrontational you might just ask if something is bothering them because they seem out of sorts. Hopefully, this will bring that person's attention to their behavior.

If it happens again, then you might let them know that you'd appreciate them not talking to you in that manner because you find it hurtful.

It's not a good idea to allow people to speak to your rudely on a consistent basis. Clearly there are times when you can let it go, but if it happens regularly, it's time to assert yourself.

When someone is being hateful, and they KNOW it, call them on it in a direct, but not hurtful way. I do it in a joking manner. I refuse to let someone disrespect me, or my family, but I don't want to handle it in a way that will escalate into something out of control. Most times these people will see that you will "fight back", and will leave you alone.


Never allow someone to get the best out of you, to where you feel bad afterwards.

And then there are the times that you need to let the stupid remarks, from unintelligent people, just go.

You just need to learn the difference between the two.

In the end, you need to forgive and forget.

Hi Martina.
I was in a similar situation a few days ago and I'll drop my two cents. I'm not saying I am right, but it is my opinion on the matter. I do have a very hard time when it comes to deal with such a thing, mainly because I am too sensitive.
When someone wrongs us is not fair and we hurt, but there is no way for people to understand they have hurt our feeling is we don't say so. Someone hurting you doesn't mean they are evil, just that they don't know better.
I don't think you should "let it go", because for what I can see on your post, you are hurt and if you pretend to let it go and brush it off when in reality you are hurting, angry, etc, all you will do is create a grudge. If that's the case, the person will maybe keep hurting you or maybe anything that the person says you will second guess about and see it as a potential hurt or ill-meaning words. Then, one day, you'll snap. Not. Pretty.
I believe that the best way to go is to voice your concern in a non argumentative way. If the person takes it the wrong way, well, not much you can do about it, but I guarantee you that, even though before speaking up your palms will be sweaty, you'll feel dizzy and anxious, after you realize that you are in fact making a good point, you'll feel better. But the best part of it is that after you speak, you won't feel the grudge anymore, you'll feel a weight being lift from your shoulders and you will be able to forgive easily.
Even if the person said what he/she said out of stupidity or immaturity, it's about you, not them.

A parent at my daughters school who I normally help out with at school function been extremely rnude to me lately, llke ignoring me etc. Its really bothering me and I can't get over it. I approached her and asked her if everything was OK because I could sense the tension and she shrugged me off? What should I do

I guess it depends on how much you value her as a friend. I'm a man, so I don't know if my way of handling it works for you, but here is what I would do (or not). Most of the women I know, such as my mom, are peace keepers and like everything to be nice and rosy, but once in a while someone difficult comes along that just won't let something go. Asking her if everything was OK was the perfect thing to start with. Shrugging you off is her way of getting under your skin even more than before. She was giving you the silent treatment in the first place to get under your skin and it's working. Now, give her one last shot. I would say, "Look, we're here to help the school; if there is a problem, we need to talk about it. If you don't want to talk, then that's your choice."
Whatever the outcome is, it's on her. I used to take a lot of things personally and then I talked to an old guy one day that gave me a different perspective. He said, "Your people(family & friends)are the only ones that matter. Some people do judge you and some don't like you. But the great thing is, you don't need everyone to like you. The truth is, other people don't care about you; only your people do. People have a weird way of taking thier friends & family for granted and they need to impress or get approval from strangers. It doesn't matter what they think about you, it really doesn't. Put your energy towards the people that care about you, not towards the ones who don't give a damn about you." Ever since he told me that, I just don't care what people think about me. So the best thing you can do is draw a line with this woman. If she decides to talk, great; if not, that's her problem.