I've not been known for making the best of decisions in life, but have learned from mistakes, now it's just up to how to correct them. Long story short, I married at age 18, shortly after becoming pregnant. Things began to turn sour for us about a year into things, up to and including lots of emotional, mental, and verbal abuse. We had discussed divorce, but due to it being expensive, we chose to go our separate ways, our son was now in the custody of my grandparents, and remain friends until we had the money or one of us found someone else. Indeed, for whatever reason, my soon to be ex had decided he was wanting to become female. Yes, you read that right. And I was told I was only the womb he needed to have a child. Nothing more. A few months later, I began dating someone else, and only three months after our divorce was final, I was again getting married to someone new... and history repeating itself, I again was 3 months pregnant.

Now, about 4 years later, our marriage has dwindled to nothing. I've tried talking to him about things, but he stares at me like he's just looking right through me, thinking about getting back to his computer games than actually taking things seriously. We have spoken about the future, both individually and together and for our family, and he has said that he has no ambition to do anything whatsoever. We do not sleep together, touch, have sex, anything of the sort. I feel sick at the thought of touching him let alone anything else. I don't even like being around him anymore. We barely speak at all.

I know most 'Christian' sites out there say that things need to be talked about, reconciled and have a happily ever after, but truth be told, I don't WANT to put effort into saving it. As of now, it is convenient for us to live together, both for the sake of someone looking for our son, seeing I work extremely late hours at my job. He says he has no where else to go, and the home we live in belongs to my grandparents and is my home. I know I made a hasty and desperate decision in getting married entirely too soon, probably because I was lonely and afraid of being alone forever, like many are after a divorce.

Is there anything to suggest as far as getting through this transition as smoothly as possible? I don't expect it to be easy, but I also know I have wasted years or my life with bad decisions, and I only have one life, and would like to live it rather than just waiting around for things to change when they clearly won't.

My first suggestion would be counseling both individual and marriage/family. I don't know if there is anything left to 'save'. However, I think it would give you tools to be able to break apart without causing too much damage to your child. There is also the chance that you may discover the marriage isn't 'dead' after all.

I suggest the individual counseling as a way to learn why you started this cycle and how to break it.

Good luck in any decision you make.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

My first suggestion would be counseling both individual and marriage/family. I don't know if there is anything left to 'save'. However, I think it would give you tools to be able to break apart without causing too much damage to your child. There is also the chance that you may discover the marriage isn't 'dead' after all.

I suggest the individual counseling as a way to learn why you started this cycle and how to break it.

Good luck in any decision you make.

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I honestly don't know either, and while it would be difficult to find counseling that doesn't involve some high-priced PhD or someone laying the 'if you go to church... ' type of lines on us, then that would be an option. At very least we would know where to improve further on in our individual lives if things don't work out. I suppose if he refuses to go to counseling or just seems indifferent, then I have my answer as to things working out or not. I have tried to find help on this online, but most answers I get to questions are people being militant about staying married because that was part of the marriage vows. It just seems to me like it would be more a sin to waste the life you are given, wallowing in misery. I won't get into it, because the last thing I want, need, or care to hear is a religious lecture.

Appreciate your imput on things and I will see what options are open.

There will be others adding their advice, so, keep checking back and you might find reading other people's threads helpful. Just be careful not to respond to older threads where the op hasn't been back in a month or more.

Also, if you have any other questions about this relationship or just want to get your frustration out, this thread will still be here for you.

Without being preachy, you might want to look at the Roman Church for some free counseling. I detest organized religion, but they do train their clergy in marriage therapy. AND IT'S FREE. Yeah, you might get a bible-thumper, but you might get somebody with some training and some empathy. You picked Vegas as part of your username, you don't bet, you can't win.

As far as misery goes, what are your kids going through? It isn't about just you anymore.

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Originally Posted by Catsmine

Without being preachy, you might want to look at the Roman Church for some free counseling. I detest organized religion, but they do train their clergy in marriage therapy. AND IT'S FREE. Yeah, you might get a bible-thumper, but you might get somebody with some training and some empathy. You picked Vegas as part of your username, you don't bet, you can't win.

As far as misery goes, what are your kids going through? It isn't about just you anymore.

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I may want to add, while I appreciate the advice, some I've not gotten thusfar, that I live in a fairly small town and said type of counseling may be a several hours drive away. As far as my kids go, the eldest is no longer in my custody. He lives, and has lived with my grandparents since he was about two months old. My youngest does live with us, and while he is only two years old, he is experiencing a lot of neglect because of this situation. My husband would rather sit in front of his computer playing games than look after our child. Note: I do most of the out-of-home work, twelve hours or so per day, and this was something reported by both the therapist that comes out for our son and from my grandparents when they come to pick my son up for a visit. My husband is very hateful toward my son when he has to get up from his game to do something for him. This is something that is encouraging my decision to possibly bring this to an end.

Someone at work today added something. I had mentioned to her that finding childcare is expensive and that was why we were still living the same way. She said that sometimes it is worth that extra money, and decide which hardship would be easier to endure. Truly put a different perspective on it.

I think that the first thing you should do is to get that punk kid out of your house. Who cares if he is homeless? Something terrible might happen to your child while he is "watching" him.

Second, you should get some sort of counseling. Look for support groups in your area. Sometimes it's better than talking to a professional , by interacting with women who have been in neglectful relationships also. And it's free.

You've been through a lot, there is no denying that, but life does get better if you are willing to make a change.

GOD bless you, and most importantly your child.

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Originally Posted by Little Vegas

I may want to add, while i appreciate the advice, some i've not gotten thusfar, that I live in a fairly small town and said type of counseling may be a several hours drive away.

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That does change things. As JMJoseph suggested, another idea would be a support group or group therapy setting.

It sounds like you're going to have to divorce and evict the boy, which is going to be a long painful process. As a husband he does have rights regardless of whether he's been shirking his responsibilities, so make certain you're legally in the right at every step.

You need to be seeking legal advice. Your husband , if you divorce him, will most likely be entitled to a share of your assets, not to mention visitation rights regarding the child.

Counselling of course is important, but I would suggest you might be thinking about how to protect what little you have and how you might legally get your husband out of the house. Once your legal options are clearer you can see your way to getting some personal counselling.

You seem to have chosen relationships where the men are unavailable to you emotionally. Perhaps you can also begin to explore what is within you that is afraid of connecting emotionally with others and leads to the sort of marital neglect you describe.

I say the next bit honestly and without sarcasm. Can you please use contraception next time you meet a new man? Your problems seem to have stemmed from falling pregnant quickly once you are in a relationship with someone you didn't know very well.

Once you are free, please spend some time on your own without a man. You need to practice being on your own before you can be with someone else again.

[QUOTE=Gemini54;2090501}
I say the next bit honestly and without sarcasm. Can you please use contraception next time you meet a new man? Your problems seem to have stemmed from falling pregnant quickly once you are in a relationship with someone you didn't know very well.

Once you are free, please spend some time on your own without a man. You need to practice being on your own before you can be with someone else again.[/QUOTE]

That part I realized not long after I discovered I was pregnant the second time around. My tubes were tied shortly after my son's birth. I know for a fact that I've made a lot of very poor choices, both physically and emotionally. And, well, I already know what has made me clam up emotionally, as I was in counseling previously. I grew up in a very controlling environment, my mother was a teenager and I was put off on my grandmother when she chose to leave and pursue her own life. My grandmother, I know in my heart, has the potential to be a great woman, full of wisdom and sympathy, but throughout my life, I have felt the impact of how she feels toward me, likely stemmed from how my mother just had me and left me with them. Everything she says toward me is harsh, bitter, and discouraging. I've talked to her about it, and she claims she isn't doing it. Practically just saying I'm a screw up and that's that. I feel I was never loved by my family, well.. maybe loved, but never liked very much. Even now, at family gatherings, I am still treated like the black sheep. If I accomplish something, there is no congratulations or even a smile, just someone judging me and what I did wrong in the situation and every possible bad aspect of what could happen. There is no positive to go with the negative. Which... was indeed why I was in counseling the first time around. I was suicidal, and even now I occasionally have those thoughts, but it is really nothing more than that. I don't go into planning anything, I just have cigarette, talk to someone about my 'bad day' and go about things.

I know I have a difficult time opening myself emotionally because I constantlly feel I am doing something wrong, that I can't win. Even with the counseling I got, no one really gave me options, they just helped figure out what was wrong. It was like having your car overheat on the side of the road, stop and have a look, inform you that your radiator was busted, then telling you they have to go. So, see folks, I know the symptoms, I know the illness, I just don't know the solution or cure, and yeah, I alredy know it is not, NOT another relationship right off. Like putting a band-aid on a gaping wound.

Okay, we have a diagnosis.

Now to find a solution.

1. You're in a legal relationship, get legal advice before anything else.

2. Once you have solid legal grounds, lose the loser.

Anybody else?

It sounds like your second marriage was a rebound marriage. Contact a lawyer who can give you a free advise on your needing to divorce from a husband who is no help in raising children. If you get custody, you will most likely be able to keep almost everything because you can argue that you need to keep everything to support and raise your children. If you get divorced, don't date for at least 6 month. In that way you won't have a rebound relationship.

Have you ever thought about support groups, sounds like you suffer from codependency, you seem to put everyone else's needs ahead of your own, if we don't love ourselves no one else will. Been there, done that, I am no longer a victim and I refuse to be a volunteer today!

That's true and I guess it has something to do with my raising, too. I was taught to always let others go first, that my needs were always less important than someone else's, etc. Now that I've been through the mill a few times, realize that I made a lot of decisions because it was what others wanted me to do or what was looked at as 'right'. Now, when I want something for myself, whether it be a new article of clothing or even down to getting some soap that isn't necessarily the bargain brand, I feel like I'm shorting someone else.

Hindsight being 20/20, I know it's not made me any more vituous than a welcome mat. So, yes, agreed if there can not be some middle ground met and some happiness found, then indeed I fully plan on spending some time getting my own life in order, and if love eventually wanders in, then that'll be when it's supposed to happen. As far as potentially marrying again, I don't exactly see it. I know if I do begin seriously dating someone again, I first off intend on having someone that is respectful and that WANTS to be with me, too. I read somewhere that love and a relationship should never feel like an obligation, but should be something that you want. Marriage, dating, etc... it shouldn't feel like having to get up and go to a job you hate. Why do I feel that way?

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Originally Posted by Little Vegas

That's true and I guess it has something to do with my raising, too. I was taught to always let others go first, that my needs were always less important than someone elses, etc. Now that I've been through the mill a few times, realize that I made a lot of decisions because it was what others wanted me to do or what was looked at as 'right'. Now, when I want something for myself, whether it be a new article of clothing or even down to getting some soap that isn't necessarily the bargain brand, I feel like I'm shorting someone else.

Hindsight being 20/20, I know it's not made me any more vituous than a welcome mat. So, yes, agreed if there can not be some middle ground met and some happiness found, then indeed I fully plan on spending some time getting my own life in order, and if love eventually wanders in, then that'll be when it's supposed to happen. As far as potentially marrying again, I don't exactly see it. I know if I do begin seriously dating someone again, I first off intend on having someone that is respectful and that WANTS to be with me, too. I read somewhere that love and a relationship should never feel like an obligation, but should be something that you want. Marriage, dating, etc... it shouldn't feel like having to get up and go to a job you hate. Why do I feel that way?

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When we love ourselves, we do not accept unacceptable behavior. We teach people how to treat us. You said that you feel like you a horting someone else if you buy an article of clothing or soap that is not a bargain brand, well don't you really see how much you a shorting yourself. Start putting yourself 1st. If we don't take care of ourselves 1st we can not care for others... if you are on a plane with your child and require oxygen the attendant tell you to give it to yourself first and then your child.

I think God has a much better plan for you than you have chosen and I will say a prayer for you tonight. Getting your life in order is letting love wander in, SELF-LOVE!

This is a really tough situation.

I won't say stay, because I don't think you want to, but, I do have a few questions.

Behind every story we hear there is the version that the OP (you) tells us, the version the other person would tell us and the whole truth.

We all tend to see things in our favor.

What I'm wondering is this. Is your husband suffering from depression? Was he always the lazy bum you describe or is this something new?

We all go through tough times, but that doesn't mean we just leave. As adults, with responsibilities, we have to work things out.

The computer can be an addiction. It can become your only friend when you're lonely.

You said it yourself. You work 12 hours a day. He's left at home with your 2 year old. It's not an easy thing to do. It's very easy to fall into a rut. Just telling him to shape up doesn't help.

When I first found this site I was bored, lonely, a stay at home mom with a husband that often worked nights and left me to raise our two kids, take care of the house and everything else.

This site brought me comfort. I made very real friends here. It became an escape.

A year or so ago I realized that I once spent 12 hours on the computer. That was a wake up call.

It sounds to me like your husband needs a wakeup call as well.

The first thing I'd do is get therapy. Even if you have to travel in order to do it, your marriage is worth it.

Second thing, cut off the internet. No internet, no games, less chance of him falling into a rut.

Third thing is to encourage him to get a job. Put your son in day care, get him to write up a resume, feel like he's taking care of his family.

If none of that works then walk away.

That's my opinion.

I wish you all the best. :)