I have been married for 2.5 years and am a step mother to 3 kids (12,18,22). For three years now, I have bent over backwards to be nice, accommodating, caring, a provider (to include money for child support, bills, insurance,etc) to my new family. Of course, it has seemed to backfire on me... I now feel as if I am taken for granted, along with not being able to express anything about the kids without being yelled at by my husband. I try to talk to my husband, but for some reason it always seems to be my fault. I have tried counseling, help books, websites, etc to help with the transition into stepmothersville... my husband has done nothing to help... his response is "Well you knew I had kids!" I can tell I have reached my limit because of the fights we have (oh and of course in front of the kids). I have very little patience now. What I am wondering is... would it be okay to send an email about my feelings about where we are now or continue to try and muttle through discussion with him? Thanks!

Email? No, that wouldn't work for me. Would I write my feelings down and then say, "This is hard for me to say" and hand it to him - yes, if all else failed.

I'm sure you know that arguing in front of the children (about the children) is not a good idea.

I also am a stepmother and, yes, it can be a difficult road.

As hard as it is to do, when the decibels start climbing, walk away.

I don't think that an email is such a bad idea. I've done it myself because I know that if I handed something to my husband, he'd say, "I'll read it later", and then sit on it.

Email is a no pressure way maybe, of saying what you can't say face to face. Be careful how you use your words, and offer suggestions how to fix the problem. I know you said you've done your homework, but maybe give counselling a shot again.

Maybe think of taking him out, without the kids, to a quiet place, and just talk and spend time together. Try to focus on being on the same page about the problems, and agree to disagree if you have to, but ignoring them won't make life any easier.

I know I'd rather stick needles in my eyes rather than go through the teenage years again... ;)

Yes, if you are really at a end of your rope, walk away ( take a break) when you are not there to be free baby sitting, laundry service and cook, sometimes it takes that to get a notice.

When you and he went to counseling together, did nothing come of it <
How many months did you go

I went by myself about a year ago and I am thinking about going back

I am not sure the email format would work for me, guess it depends on the recipient.

I have personal experience of the issue you are describing, not being able to talk without an ensuing no-holds barred argument, in front of whoever just happened to be there, kids included.

I resorted to a letter (Started - 'I love you and this is harder than you could ever realize to write on a piece of paper'), I managed to articulate what I needed to say, what I needed her to hear, in a controlled, clear and understandable way, no temper and no uncontrolled emotion. I just handed it to my wife and went and sat in the next room and the effect was instant, dramatic and so positive.

If you're at that point, do it, it worked for us.