Ask Me Help Desk - My wife affair

We married in the year 1998.. having 2 daughters.. recently I came to know, that my wife is having serious online affair since last 8 months with unmarried boy.. I saw the message archieve and saw the dicussion on sex and others.. hear the kisses on voice messages... she was connected with him on net ( When I was out of house and connected through mobile net.. when I am in house).. After knowing all these.. she promised to stop all these activities.. but the problem is, I feel that she cheated me and I don't trust her more.. all the time.. this is moving in my mind and same is effectting our relationship and even my health.. please suggest.. how to forget and forgive

Have the two of you discussed going to a marriage councillor? Trust once broken is hard to heal.

It is very sad to learn that your wife has been having an affair for the past 8 months. You have had a long (and I presume) successful marriage until this happened.

It isn't any different to any other affair. The venue is different. But, the meeting, talking, texting, and all the rest of it amounts to intimate encounters with another man. No wonder you are hurting, and justifiably so.

You will go through many emotions as you try to regain your footing in your marriage. Trust has been shattered, marriage vows have been broken, you're probably questioning everything you ever thought about her, and going through the last 8 months in your mind wondering what went wrong.

She has a lot of explaining to do. The most important question is 'why'. There were so many other things she could have done, such as counselling, talking to you, stopping herself before it got out of hand and long term. Many things she kept from you to keep this going.

Please don't give up too soon. It might be a good idea for you both to see a counsellor, so this can be put in perspective, and dealt with. You will both need help getting through the changes that are inevitable after a partner has cheated, but, the marriage can work, and be healthy again.

All the best of luck to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Andrew Smith

..recently I came to know, that my wife is having serious online affair since last 8 months with unmarried boy.. I saw the message archieve and saw the dicussion on sex and others.. hear the kisses on voice messages...she was connected with him on net ( When I was out of house and connected thru mobile net..when I am in house)..After knowing all these..

I've been where you are... about 4 years ago.

Was it just an Emotional Affair or did it escalate to a Sexual Affair?

The other Posters are right... you need counseling.

The reason is you have to get to the bottom of "Why" this is happening.
You can ask her "Why"... She may give you a reason or she wouldn't know why or there are several reasons that are hidden.

You have to be strong and face it together and you have to take leadership role and be pro-active and take care of it. Don't sit back thinking the issue will solve itself... it won't. The emotional Affair/Cheating is a symptom of something is wrong or missing in your relationship. (Except in Serial Cheater cases, that would be just who they are).

Are you Religious?
This was a very important part of my recovery.
In ways of Trusting again... Forgiving and rebuilding again.

You have to Forgive EEEEVVERY single DAY... You just have to... You won't Forget, but with TIME, you will forget the emotional pain that is attached to the incident. They say getting over the misTrust (her confiding emotions to the other man) is much harder than the actual sexual act.

Some people can never forgive the breach of infidelity,no matter how much effort they put into it.
The fact that you want to make this work is in your favor.

One of the things that I think is important is to try to figure out why this happened so that you can feel in charge of your relationship and have faith that you can prevent it from occurring again

You have to talk about this and that is where therapy is an important tool.If you can not afford therapy ,many churches offer marriage counseling for a small church donation or for free.

This is also a pain that takes time to heal.

There is much work that needs to be done and she needs to show you that she is committed to the marriage.

Rebuilding trust takes time and work.Step up your communication and figure out how to prevent this from happening in the future.

You have to give yourself time to heal as well.