I can't leave my boyfriend
Okay so...
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years but for almost two years, I have been cheating on him with the same guy. The guy who I have been cheating on him with I have liked even before I met my boyfriend. Honestly, I don't know why I do this. I never thought in a million years I'd be the one cheating. It's not that I don't love my boyfriend because I do but I keep finding myself having feelings for the other guy and I know that is not fair. If my boyfriend were doing this to me, I'd be devastated.. hypocritical right? I don't know why I think this way though! It's seriously killing me inside I just don't know what to do.
Like I said I do love my boyfriend but honestly, I don't know why because he is controlling and the jealous type. I can't even go over to my BEST FRIENDS house without him getting mad and I feel like why do I even put up with it? I have to keep my phone on silent whenever I'm with him because I'm scared that someone may text me that he doesn't like and he'll get mad. He once said he thinks we should get out and do more to help our relationship but I'm the only one going out in this relationship. I don't like to bring him places or parties with me because once we get there he's so grouchy and doesn't talk to anyone, and this embarrasses me. Not only all that but I have to pay for everything and I have to do A lot A lot A lot for him. Yes he works, but he lives pay check to pay check.
All of this is a lot, I know. I've tried talking to friends but I feel like I just can't explain everything. I love my boyfriend and I couldn't even imagine myself without him but what the hell is a 19 year old girl suppose to do? I would feel so bad if I left him, AGAIN.- yes we did break up for a couple months but it didn't last long. When I first broke up with him he was calling me, texting me, following me, almost all day everyday. He was seriously getting on my nerves but at the same time alls I could do was cry. I felt bad and that is how we got back together.
Someone or many people... PLEASE help me. What is your opinion and what would you do if you were in my shoes?