GOD!! I hate myself John, I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know what I’m feeling, I just want to crawl in a hole and die right now. No, I’m not suicidal, it was just an expression.
I’m hurt John, I don’t know what to do. Every time I lash out at you and tell you how I feel the next second I feel guilty because I know how much you love me and I know it wasn’t intentional, but how is that an excuse? Why is it fair to me that people can lie to me and say “it was only to get you.” That’s not fair to me. I care about you. One minute I’m hating your guts, angry and so mad that you couldn’t see all this before, before you stabbed me in the back and the next I’m bawling my eyes out because I miss you. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I can’t figure out what I’m feeling. I don’t know what to do.
The thing that gets me is you don’t think it’s a big deal, you think it was the ONE text. You blame her, you blame your son, you blame your situation but you don’t blame yourself. You didn’t seem to take me seriously when I told you IN THE VERY BEGINNING. “One thing you can’t do and I can’t forgive is lies.” You lied, I forgave. Then I said “one more lie John, I don’t care if it’s what you had for lunch, I’m gone.” And you lied. And then lied and then lied. And I forgave and forgave and trusted again. Call it lies, call it deceit, it’s all the same, it’s all betrayal from the person you love and trust. How many times can it happen to me? How many times can I be a fool. When I called you a liar or deceitful you deny it. How can you deny it, you excuse it “it was only because of this” An excuse for it isn’t good enough, there’s ALWAYS an excuse for a lie otherwise people wouldn’t LIE.
You’ve apologized, you’ve showed me your pain and your regret, you’ve done EVERYTHING in your power to try and get me back, to make me realize how much you understand but right now, at this point in time it’s not good enough. I am still aching and still wounded. I understand you want closure and you want to know what will happen and you need to know if you can move on. I just don’t know what to tell you.
I never felt the way I felt about you about Anyone and that’s not a lie. I still to this day tell my friends that. I am petrified of you though and I don’t know how to extinguish that. How do you let go of fear. My anger john, is the way to protect myself, I think in my deepest of hearts I have forgiven you (otherwise I wouldn’t pick up your calls, I wouldn’t write these emails) but then something’s you say or do trigger the pain you put me through and instead of crying and being sad, my instant reflex is to be angry.
I’m sorry for my last lash out email and I’m proud of everything you’re doing. I just can’t give you anymore than that. I can’t give you an answer of what we are going to be because right now I don’t have interest in anyone, and that includes you. The last time I told you I needed space and you should get your together, you didn’t listen to me and you came down here. Once again I was asking for my space and you are constantly pushing me for an answer about us.. that triggers anger because I don’t think it’s fair. It’s never about what I need or how I feel, it’s about your pain, and you missing me and you need to know and you need closure and it was your life and your problems and your this and that… It drained me and it still does Johnny.
Anyway, I care about you too much to put you through more than you’re going through, I know you’re going through a lot. I will leave you alone after this email but I couldn’t leave it like my last email. This was more like a journal of my thoughts, gave you a glimpse of everything going on in my head. One thing is for sure and you can believe it or not, I will be single, not because I’m waiting for you but because I can NEVER go through this again. You saw my fury, you saw my pain, you saw my anger and it takes too much of a toll on me, I am completely out of positive emotions about people. I’m scared but I’d rather be lonely and scared than anything else right now.
I’m sorry my past without you has made me ultra sensitive to deceit, lies and men but that’s me, it was the package you got. I’m sorry that I can’t mend right away and I’m sorry I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for.
I wish you good luck with everything and hope you know that even if it didn’t seem like I meant those cards, poems, emails and letters, I did, I meant every word, it just ended differently than I expected too. I was in just as much shock as you were, I was in just as much pain as you were, except mine hit me slowly, lie by lie, fight by fight, week by week so from the outside it seems I’m hurting less but I’ve been dealing with this for a year, you have been for a few weeks. You were blind to what you were doing while I was begging for you to see. Now it has turned around. I was patient and understanding with you, you can chose the same for me or not.
Definitions of deceit on the Web:
fraudulence: the quality of being fraudulent
misrepresentation: a misleading falsehood
I’m sorry,
Love
******
after this email she texts me 4 hours later saying she wants to go to dinner in two weeks which is coming up nov. 21st sat. night!
then I texted this time and space thing sucks just let go!
she texted back I did let go but there's a retarded stupid moronic idiotic sucker part of me who obviously hasn't hence the bother I get with things ,the dinner etc. lets just take this break and stick with dinner plans.
So I stopped calling and texting for her "space and time" I haven't heard nothing from her either its been 10 days of no contact will I hear from her for this dinner? Or does she expect me to call her? If I don't hear from her what do I do stay no contact and move on?
