I have been in my relationship for approx 5 years, mostly good, I found out 6 months ago he had been lying to me about his work and smoking and an old girlfriend he had been talking to (nothing ever happened). I am very anti liars and we broke up for a 2 months for me to get my head together and decide how and if to give it another go, also how would he show me I could trust him again!!

We have been back together for 2 weeks and I am finding it hard. He so far is being REALLY good, allowing for my outbursts and bringing it up again and being irrational.

The problem I have is I don't seem to be moving past it, ikeep bringing it up, not thinking about what I'm saying, being hurtful etc
He is being quite patient but is finding it hard to do everything he can to show me I can trust him but get nothing back for it, all I am is negative!

He isn't wrong in what he's saying. I am being completely unreasonable about most things!! I don't seem to be able to stop and think what's best, my emotions take over and I don't think!

I don't want to lose my relationship, I love him very much. I need to try and make it work

HELP

Seems to me you have some sort of anger control issues going on as you let you emotions do the talking (no worries, I seem to be in that same boat). There are self help books, positive thinking books and even counseling to help you through this. This is a common thing and I battle it EVER day, so I completely understand your concerns. Just find different ways to release your anger and temper your emotions, think BEFORE you act. Probably the single hardest thing to do for people like us.

Since the emotions are flying high these days, I suggest you take a time out of relationship to give yourself some perspective.

I think that if you keep forcing the issue (i.e. forcing to make the relationship) you will actually push each other away even more.

Once the emotional dust has settled down, you will be in a better position to revisit your situation and see it more objectively.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Seems to me you have some sort of anger control issues going on as you let you emotions do the talking (no worries, I seem to be in that same boat). There are self help books, positive thinking books and even counseling to help you through this. This is a common thing and I battle it EVER day, so I completely understand your concerns. Just find different ways to release your anger and temper your emotions, think BEFORE you act. Probably the single hardest thing to do for people like us.

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Im not sure its anger control but it is definetley emotional control, I don't seem to be able to think clearly when they kick in, I get very confused and say a lot of things I don't mean but more than that I don't understand why I am asking or why I am saying it... there is no reason!

I took the time out previously to let it settle and think hard about what I want, I made the decision to give it another go, which I am doing, I don't doubt that decision its how I handle myself and emotions and feelings from here that I need the help with.

How do I stop them making the decisions and doing the talking before my brain kicks in and the damage is done? How do I control my feelings and mouth running away with me?

I have never been very good with my feelings and how to deal with them and now more than ever I need to learn

It really helps to be self conscious of certain things... what triggers certain feelings, what doesn't and then go from there. Be aware of how you feel about a certain event, rationally think it through and then react on logic, not instinctual emotions. I had counseling a few years ago to help me with it.

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Originally Posted by amazing 10

How do i stop them making the decisions and doing the talking before my brain kicks in and the damage is done? How do i control my feelings and mouth running away with me?

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You are the way you are. You feel the way you feel. No one can blame you for that.

But if you still have the same problem and want to help yourself, then maybe you haven't taken enough of a time out from the relationship. Getting professional help is definitely helpful, but if you can't afford it, then try reading some of these books: Building Self-Esteem: A Self-Help Guide (Scroll to the bottom for the category list)

The problem is that he broke your trust. So it's not just about your attitude, he also needs to repair your trust. If he can't make sufficident progress in repairing the trust, then this relationship is broken.

So far he is dong really well in repairing my trust, I don't think there is more he can do but if for no reason at all I get a irrational thought or think of something he has lied about I start at him!

It can be for no or very little reason.

I am not able to explain why I said what I did afterwards which makes it hard for him, but its hard for me too, I don't know why I did or said something!

I feel completely irrational!

I had a quick look on the website above and don't think it is a self esteem issue, I feel great about myself and no I'm a great person. Its emotional and controlling my emotions and understanding them and knowing what to do with them I have difficulty with.

All my jumbled up thoughts and feelings run away with themselves and before I know it I've said something insensitive, hurtful, irrational with no logic or common sense at all

It could be that underlying anger about the lies which you may feel was as kind of betrayal triggers your outbursts.
As KC said try to think before you speak-also rebuilding the trust once broken does take quite some time.
Good luck.

You have been in this relationship for 5 years... was there a good reason for him to lie about the job? Financial worries? High bills? Maybe worried about his job performance?

If he was off the cigs, perhaps the stress of the job started him back again?

The old girlfriend,he was just talking,nothing happened...

My point is, although you are upset over him lying,have you both found out WHY?

In all the drama about him lying,have you asked him is he all right now?

And apart from the broken trust, I would be asking myself how come he could not talk to you about it.

And has he since?

Maybe you should try and take sometime out when you get that irrational thought. Maybe you should explain to him the troubles you are having with trusting him again but that you are trying, this way when you feel an outburst coming you can walk away or not talk to him until things settle down. Maybe even write your feelings in a journal when these things happen. That way you get it out but don't hurt him in the process. Another thing to look at is that maybe you just can't trust him again. If you take him back and want to make it work then you have to be prepared to not bring up the same issue over and over. He will get tired of it and maybe leave you. Take a deep look inside yourself and take some time apart from him. Be honest with yourself!

I will forever have insecurities about the ex girl friend, I now I am a jealous person and him being a bit of a flirt doesn't help.

He didn't talk to me about the job because he felt he was letting me down and once he told one lie he then had to lie again and it snow balled out of control till I cught him out! The smoking I think is nothing other than stress of the lying and stress in general.

I know what I need to do with walking away and taking some time out for me to think level headed. Its actually doing it is the problem, how do I make myself think first and walk away before my mouth blurts it out?

Can I ask what age you are?

And is this something you do with everyone,family,friends etc,or just him?

I am 32, its just with him

Actually thinking about it it might be with everyone but mostly him

First knowing if your are an emotional sensitive person,will help you understand way you react the way you do...

Everybody is different,and how we perceive situations,and how we interpret information... it might be logical or emotional... theres nothing wrong with that... but when how we react causes problems in our relationships that's when you have to address it...

If you find the conversation steering towards old arguments,stop... literally,in your tracks... take a breath.. and try to balance the emotional response with an logical one...

Now that you know what your doing,you can take steps to slow your response,by thinking before you answer... engaging your brain a little more then your heart... at least until you have more control over intense feelings around the past issues.

Thanks red, that's some good advice. How do I actually do it though. I always try to stop myself but my emotions and not understanding them take over. I don't no how to stop it. In this situation, I get so afraid he is going to lie again that I can't control it, the thought of it happening again fills me with so much fear of losing I just can't control it. I am trying every day and now I'm beginning to accept its what I do and need to take control I've began to feel bit better, I try to think positively and not think the worst all the time. I don't read the worst into everything he does or says, its slow and one day at a time but I am trying

If you think positive and visualise yourself in these situations,and react with a positive outcome... re train yourself...

Negative thoughts will produce negative results.

If you believe that something is going to happen,if you constantly think about it,your going to find it.

I'm going to suggest you start doing team work with your boyfriend... that might seem strange,but bear with me...

Making dinner together,doing the shopping,anything that requires you both to work together... go back to the foundations of your relationship,date night, etc...

It may seem silly,but trusting him to do the small things,will build your confidence in the relationship...

I also suggest yogo,or meditation.
There are plenty on cd's on the market to choose from...

Get grounded again,calm your mind and your body.