I've been married for 20 years we fell in love at first sight and was married within 5 months sex was so great and so often I was in heaven - after marriage it seemed to slow down -on my wedding night things changed he saw the sexy thing I was wearing under my wedding dress and as I was taking the dress off he said you might as well thak that off too you won't need it we were just leaving the reception about to travel to or honeymoon location-- at times he actually acted like it was wrong to have sex, he made this comment"we probably should stop doing that" this comment came after getting involved in church--over the years sex got less and less then I decided to count and I had sex 11 times that year we had been married 13 years at that point-so I finally asked and he said "its not you its me " but gave me no reason -he just says he is tired-over the years that is all I get is "i'm tired"-- after 16 years of marriage I find out he watches porn and masturbates- call me niave but I never looked at porn and was oblivious to the amount of people that do- I had asked him about it and he said he had only masturbated twice in his life and never lusted for others-call me stupid -i believed him-i never saw him even glance at other women and when we did have sex it was great and I couldn't understand why he didn't want it more often he bagan to avoid sex going to bed early ,ignoring my advances, flat rejection - I even cried myself to sleep over it several times and he acted as if he was sleeping and didn't hear-even thou I was being quiet about it a caring loving husband would talk too you or acknowledge you- after 20 years I realize he is disconnected with life and has allways been that way-- nad yes I have questioned him having an affair but every time I spy on him, look on his phone, dig through his wallet looking for girl numbers -i totally come up with NOTHING--lately I've been wondering if he is gay -when we marrried we really knew nothing about each other we were so happy in love nothing mattered- the night before out wedding he was harsh to me and that was the first time I experienced that-7years into our marriage he begaan to hit me if I brought up a topic that was to serious and he has never been able to talk openly or about anything serious- at 10 years he began to work for someone instead of for himself like always and began to travel a lot gone for 10 days home for 4 and still no sex for several months-i realize now that he was masterbating so much he rubbed himself raw in places- one time I confronted him he broke down and cried and said I'm a sex feen that confused me because we never had sex- to this day I am still confused he never gets on the computer anymore once I discovered his porn and he stopped working out of town after that too- so he has been home 4 years but nothing has really changed --he is closed off and very unwilling to reveal anything--things I do know about him--1)his first sex act-"rape by 2 girls before he had hair" says it didn't bother him he just wanted to have sex after that 2)met his girlfriend before me she is married to one of his friends she grabbed me as I was leaving and said "i could tell you something, he is a bad boy" at that point I had just been married to him for a month so I rejected her offer and mentioned it to my husband the look in his eyes were dark and angry 3) domineering dad but a nice guy I think, I only see him once a year, christian man goes to church every Sunday 4)says he almost got involved in the mofia in codarodo 5)knows every car in the neighboorhood and every body that drives down our street I've noticed lately he watches closley 6)only saw him look at women maybe 5 times and that was when he stopped working out of town and came home for good, it was over a several month period 6) keep his workers away from me even though I know them and attend church with them he still seem to keep "the guys" at a distance 6) is very close to the guy that works for us but this guy is older than him and I can't see him being attracted to this guy at all but I know he loves him and he made this comment not long after he hired him"he likes me and he told me this is the first time he has ever had a true friend 7)this worker i am referring to grew up watching his moma whore herself out and she brought them to the house and being a small house he could see it all 8)never hang out with his friends from childhood he stopped after we married and recently they all got together and i was excited to go but he avoided it completely 9)dressed up as a girl for holloween when he was young 10) had a close friend when he was young that was a cross dresser -he said "she showed up at his house and he didn't even know it was his friend at first" 11)he had a neighbor next door during childhood with a tree house were he was turned onto play boy and vibraters he was very young I ask you what I do not know like I said I am naïve about all this and maybey I've haven't seen it because I've denied it but the truth is I have pray for answers for years and forgave a lot I love sex and have been with out touch most of my marriage I feel it's becoming clear that he desires men it seems to make sense but I'm confused and he would never talk about he put on this christian image and everybody buys it but it if far from the truth he has created an imaginary world for me and I bought into it but not anymore oh and 12) he had an imaginary friend that was really the only thing his mother has ever told me about him and she said it several times --my husband is getting up so I need to go for a while but I would appreciate insight thanks

You don't need insight, you need a counselor. First by yourself, then with your husband.

First, the only way to know if someone is gay is if they tell you or if you catch them in bed with another person of the same gender. No other sign is going to cinch that question up for you.

Your marriage sounds unhappy in general--why do you stay?>

I have 3 children, and for the first half of my marriage I thought I was happy but truly I wasn't I just forgave and allowed god to fullill my needs of affection but now my eyes are open but I'm getting no answers from my husband he is closed off big time

You need to get counseling for yourself first and foremost.

You may learn ways to open communication through counseling.

Look--do you want your children to think that the kind of marriage you have is what they should have? Kids see and understand a LOT more than people give them credit for--and if you're unhappy, you can bet they notice it.

What you've written is so complex and confusing that it's really hard to know where to begin or where it all might end.

I also would suggest that you go to a counselor on your own so that you can begin to unravel some of what is in your head.

After a 20 year marriage some patterns are set in stone and can be very hard to change, I don't know if change is possible for your husband, but perhaps you can start to pursue this option through a professional counselor.

I've tried counseling but that was at the 16 year mark when I thought he was having an affair with a woman. We both went but it didn't last very long and my husband is so closed off I pretty much know he will not open up -he has spent his whole life living closed off and he is good at it. I also have to give him some credit. I have only mentioned the bad stuff. My husband is a good man he comes home every night, watched the kids when ever I asked, never asked too much of me, lets me go where I want and do what I want to do, allowed me to travel across the world, not demanding, he is a great dad, hard worker and a great provider, and believe it or not we spent most of our time together, most every night we would spent the evening siting by the pool talking . Hell most of the couples at church and elsewhere thought we had every thing any couple would want we are envyed a lot. I hate to say that but it's true. Now lately things have been different I am rejecting him, not talking or spending time with him for the past 6 months ignoring him and treating him like he means nothing to me to be honest -even thou he does means a lot to me-- but when I noticed how closed off he is and disconnected he is I've decided talking to him is a waste of time because he will never be an homest person and never give me a straight answer so I fiqure why spend my time talking bull - 4 years ago when I realized he was totally false and created an imaginary world for me that he wasn't who he said he was I felt betrayed and still fell that way and I could never fiqure out why he was so deceptive. He is a soft hearted guy and very nice guy, soft spoken, I never hear him say a bad word about anybody he cries at movies and cries whenever I tell him about my missions work-people getting saved and delivered from stuff or healed and the miricles I've experienced- he is basically a great guy and I believe he wants to be honest but he just can't he is scared to talk to me because who knows-maybe I would reveal his secrets to the world- I am a talker and live out loud and that probably scares him- so my best guess -he really doesn't trust me -it is just the last few day it came to my mind that he desires men deep down - it all seems to make sense-- my main and practically only complaint was the lack of affection and touch and those were the arguments that would set him off- I have always been in love -i just fell out of love this year after realizing the guy I'm in love with isn't the guy I'm married to-- and the nagging question I've had all my marriage is --why isn't he desiring me-- it never seemed natural --hell a lot of his friends did desire me and even thou I have had many opportunities I have never been unfaithful- you might wonder if I'm ulgy that is not the case just the opposite- I've been told "i am the most beautiful woman they have ever met" I'm not trying to brag I just saying this for reference sake -- I have wondered if I'm just a trophy wife-actually that is what I am- there for show but not there to be passionately loved and that question has always baffled me and still haunts me to this day- passion and touch is my love language and I get everything but -touch, passion and respect- before I said "i do" all I got was touch and passion and I have prayed and spent the last 20 years knowing it was there but never really receiving it much and now I'm tired of waiting and believing for it and tired of wondering why I'm neglected.
That's why to me- thinking that he desires men- seems like the missing piece to the puzzle. Don't think we didn't have passionate sex because we do -the only problem is it's not often enough- it's abnormally not often- but sex has always been great. He wants to spend all his time with me talking and hanging out but he doesn't seem to desire me sexually and that has allways baffled me a lot. I did come to this site for insight
I know you can't tell me if my husband is desiring men but that seems to be the missing piece to the puzzle. I know he would NEVER reveal that-hell he is a piller in the community he couldn't reveal that never ever---last night we watched "wild hogs" and the scene with all the guys skinnydipping and the "gay" cop shows up wanting to jump in and join the fun--i watched my husband during that scene -his mouth dropped and breathing increased-- simuilar to the way I react when I see a passionate love scene between and man and a woman- listen I'm just trying to put the puzzle together and I think I have finally found the missing piece after 20 years and I was hoping somebody with more knowledge on the subject could confirm my suspicions. When he was young, the boy next door who was older than him and introduced him to masturbation etc - he made this comment to me about that situation " i knew it was wrong but i would go over there any way i couldnt resist" at first I thought he would go and masturbate but couldn't he do that at his own house by himself? Maybe not or maybe instead of 2 girls raping him- it was 1 neighborhood boy who abused him and introduced him to a perverted and confused lifestyle- maybe that is why he is so confused about sex -WHAT DO YOU THINK --to me this seems to be the missing piece of the puzzle of my life. So take a gamble and give me your instincts on this subject--i know you don't know much about us but I have given you the basics the best I can and it's the only answer that fits the puzzle-

I was in a similar situation. I will never really know the truth, but the counselor suggested we divorce. He never told me why other than "you are incompatable". This broke my heart. My husband was an MD and also the pillar of our small rural community. Always in the church plays and played the "family man". At home, after I said "I do" everything changed. I too felt like a trophy wife. The sex was awesome... when I could get it. I also caught him watching porn and masturbating. Rumors soon floated through the community that he was bisexual. He denied this, but the actions have spoken louder than the words. I noticed he was using my toiletry items and when we finally separated, he gave me all the tools, mowers, ladders, power tools etc. All the things a guy would keep. He kept all my bras and underwear, my candles, sconces, drapery, silk flowers, mirrors, etc. All my girlie stuff. Well, I did the math. The couselor was right. Sadly we are incompatible and yes I also married him after 6 months of hot and sexy dating. Your husband may be struggling with his urges to be homosexual. My advice to you is to cut your losses and live the rest of your life in peace.