Ask Me Help Desk - In love/Hooking up...

Here goes...

I dated my ex for almost a year, he was my first serious relationship and I was his longest relationship, his first serious one as well. He's 2 years older, and after 10 1/2 months, we broke up. It was my last resort to suggest we take a break because I could tell he didn't want to be in a relationship. He was pulling away, lashing out verbally, and we broke up. Stayed friends, he said he wasn't against trying again... We didn't hang out, just talked online... he showed up on my birthday (which was 2 weeks after we broke up) with a card, roses, and a thoughtful gift. Said there's a lot that was good about us, he couldn't say we'd never get back together because he didn't know. Things were okay, emotionally brutal, but we managed to stay friends.

Ended up having a falling out, stopped talking for 3 months, started talking again in June. He started sending song lyrics, all about losing someone, wanting them back, being in love with someone while trying to move on, etc. He'd had one girlfriend after me that lasted a month, but she was on the verge of being an alcoholic and punched him in the stomach in one of her rage fits. Also, got him fined one night for her drunken behavior. Every girl before me, broke up with him. I was the one he said was "the best he could hope for." We hung out one night in July, I asked about the lyrics, he said they're just songs he likes, they don't mean anything, he'd never want to go out with me again. Ended up hooking up (making out, oral sex) after that (same night).

Went back to being friends, things were normal. I finally started to move on, stopped calling, stopped texting him for a month, noticed he started calling/texting and not to hook up, just to be all cute and flirty. We end up hanging out, have a great time, hug goodnight. Things are good. Then, recently, 3 weeks ago... we hooked up for the first time since that night in July (making out, oral sex, laying together on his couch for awhile after). Then, last Sunday, we ended up just hanging out, watching a movie. Nothing physical. Hugged goodnight, things were normal. 2 nights ago... we hooked up again, so I told him straight out that he's not just a hookup to me. He said that he's not looking for a girlfriend, and that its not like he thinks I'm just good for the physical stuff because he feels he can talk to me about anything and I'm always there for him. He said he's not hooking up with anyone else because he wouldn't do that to me and if he does start seeing someone or I start seeing someone, then we won't do anything anymore.

He said he's too young to be in a serious relationship, (I'm 20, he's 22) and that he's still my friend, he's not going anywhere, and he's not dating anyone. I told him that I'm not over him, but he said he doesn't believe in dating the same person twice because he can't look at it like starting something new. He also said that the lyrics were whatever songs he was listening to at that time, but anything he sent to me he sent line by line, parts of a song, not the song in bulk. He'd send specific parts, all about the same thing... and not just once, he did this repeatedly long before we ever hooked up. He's telling me he doesn't like anyone like that, that he doesn't like me "like that" because if he did, we'd be going out right now. If he doesn't date the same person twice, he could very well like me and not want to go out again. What the hell do I do!

You both spent a good amount of time together, given that this was his longest relationship he obviously has a bond with you that goes beyond just being a buddy. The same can be said about you but I get the impression you have a desire to get back together with him. Now you may be feeling this way simply because of how long you've known him and your past relationship and you miss having those feelings out in the open rather than tucked away most of the time.

He obviously isn't 100% sure of what he wants regardless of what he's told you. Guys don't send love song lyrics to people just because they dig the song. He has an attachment to you but he could very well just not want to be in a relationship for a good amount of reasons. One thing you cannot do is still mess around, that's a big no no if you are trying to move on. I've tried it myself and at some point you are going to either accept that you still got a thing for the person or to be blunt you just want the person for sex/affection. It's not fair or smart either way and you'll just be finding yourself in the same situation until one of you finally walks away.

If he's making it clear that he doesn't want to give it another go then I can only advise you to respect that choice and move on. If you still want to be friends that's fine but you got to know where to draw the line too. That means you got to chill with all the things "friends" don't do and I'm sure those things are obvious. If he can't handle that then being friends isn't going to work out. I know I make it sound easy but I know letting go is difficult especially when that person is still around but remember life does indeed go on even when days are at their darkest.

It seems he just wants to be friends with the benefits. You two have a strong connection still because you've had a relationship with him. Now I know you still have feelings for him so you probably know that if you two still hang out your feelings will continue to grow. Eventually make you angry once you notice that the only thing you guys are staying is friends. So I think if you stay friends you will probably get hurt.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SnakeDoctor

He obviously isn't 100% sure of what he wants regardless of what he's told you. Guys don't send love song lyrics to people just because they dig the song. He has an attachment to you but he could very well just not want to be in a relationship for a good amount of reasons. One thing you cannot do is still mess around, thats a big no no if you are trying to move on. I've tried it myself and at some point you are going to either accept that you still got a thing for the person or to be blunt you just want the person for sex/affection. It's not fair or smart either way and you'll just be finding yourself in the same situation until one of you finally walks away.

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I understand why he doesn't want to be in a relationship... even when we were together, he said he felt like he never knew what he was doing, no one ever gave him enough of a chance they just dropped him. I know his ex girlfriend... she wasn't exactly the nicest person when I knew her, and from what I've heard from him and other people, she didn't treat him that great (this was his first girlfriend who lasted a couple of months).

He'll say he doesn't want to get back together... sends lyrics, says they mean nothing. I told him I have a date on Friday because I'd like to try and move forward if he is clear about not getting back together and he goes, "You don't have to date anyone. I'm not going to." I know him enough to say I don't think he's just using me. I just feel stuck. The last time I told him I was interested in someone, we were talking online and he sent me lyrics to "You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go" by Bob Dylan, certain lines, not the whole song. I'll type out the songs... maybe you can help me understand if there's more to it or if I'm just reading too much into it?

Tangled Up In Blue: Bob Dylan

I had a job in the great north woods
Working as a cook for a spell
But I never did like it all that much
And one day the ax just fell
So I drifted down to New Orleans
Where I happened to be employed
Working for a while on a fishing boat
Right outside of Delacroix
But all the while I was alone
The past was close behind
I seen a lot of women
But she never escaped my mind and I just grew
Tangled up in blue.

Everything Changes: Staind

If you just walked away
What could I really say
Would it matter anyway

Grace is Gone Dave Matthews

You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go: Bob Dylan

I've seen love go by my door
It's never been this close before
Never been so easy or so slow
I've been shooting in the dark too long
When something not right it's wrong
Yer going to make me lonesome when you go.

Dragon clouds so high above
I've only known careless love
It's always hit me from below
This time around it's more correct
Right on target so direct
Yer going to make me lonesome when you go.

Situations have ended sad
Relationship have all been bad
Mine've been like Verlaine's and Rimbaud
But there's no way I can compare
All those scenes to this affair
Yer going to make me lonesome when you go.

He's well aware of the fact that I still love him. But it's the back-and-forth that gets to me. He says he doesn't want to date the same person twice and that I'm just a friend…yet, with lyrics like that I wonder. And he could easily get a random hookup from anyone, much like after we broke up and he was playing the field. He would date girls, make out with them, never farther than that. So why me? We had this inside-joke of talking in cute talk, using w's so something like rabbit comes out like wabbit…it just developed over time in our relationship, made it something between us. Now, we still do that, we still use the nicknames we had while we were dating, and its not fair for me to keep waiting around when he bluntly says, “I don't want to go out again.” His words and his actions contradict. We cuddle on his couch after we hook up and just watch TV for an hour or so, much like we used to when we were together, we have fun when we hang out together, and I feel like he wants to be with me, but then he says he doesn't.!

Quote:

Originally Posted by starscollide

..its not fair for me to keep waiting around when he bluntly says, “I don’t want to go out again.” His words and his actions contradict.

You have all the answers you need in front of you. Like I said before about the song lyrics regardless of him telling you they mean nothing nobody is going to send you love song lyrics for no reason. It sounds more like he enjoys the convenience of having you but not being locked in a relationship with you also he obviously doesn't want to see you with anybody else because that means your time will obviously become more occupied by someone else rather than him. He wants to have his cake and eat it too and it's not fair to you to play this game. If you have plans or interest in seeing other people then go for it. He will just have to accept that and learn that he can't have it both ways.

Am I just a hookup to him though? Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me?

I don't believe in playing games and doing things to make someone else jealous. If I start dating, its because I want to and because I can't wait around the rest of my life. Yet... I'm afraid if I do... and he does still have feelings for me, I'll blow it.

What you are to him is pretty much up in the air but one thing for sure is that you aren't is his girlfriend. Only start dating other people if that's what YOU want, don't force yourself if you aren't ready to. Whether he still has feelings for you or not the important thing is he's made it very clear he does not want to be in a relationship with you, and if he suddenly changes his mind after you start dating someone else do NOT fall for him again and believe that he's sincere about getting together. You'll end up in the same situation that you are in now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by starscollide

Am I just a hookup to him though?

Yes

Quote:

Originally Posted by starscollide

Or does he genuinely still have feelings for me?

No

If he went through all the trouble to send you cards, lyrics, etc. and then doesn't take you back when you offer him the chance that tells you everything you need to know. He comes around you give him oral and he's gone again.

Why would any guy have a relationship with some one who gives them sex anyway with no strings attached? Whether he has feelings for you or not his actions speak volumes. You are available and easy to hook-up with, NO WORK AT ALL. He has all the benefits with no commitment or responsibility. What do you have besides questions, confusion, and hurt feelings?

He is into u for the goods.

He isn't, won't, and can't be sure of what he wants.

A friend to him is someone to hang-out with.

Playing games is what he wants to do.

He doesn't want to lose you it seems.

Leave him, he'll know how inportant you WERE to him.

He's be bugging, she somewhat will feel good!

Hoped i helped.