Greetings, first time actually signing up.. have lurked around here plenty of times and gotten plenty of good advice for my own self to use. Great information here. But now it is time for me to ask for advice, and opinion and see what other views I get..
I will try my best to be clear and not try to jump place to place with information, but hopefully it will be readable.. sorry if it isn't and requires a second read! :rolleyes:
I was in a almost a year relationship. I met this girl when she was not speaking to her ex-boyfriend of 4 years. She was merely just enjoying her time single, partying, hanging with friends. She was happy but also did show she did miss her ex-boyfriend. They had no contact and if there was any, she was hostile by just looks or one worded answers. They broke up because he cheated on her, and she was a wreck. This was her first real relationship, and lasted for 4 years.
I met her, maybe 4-5 months after it all happened. Technically I met her before but never spoke much. But we spoke, and things escalated obviously to a relationship.
After maybe 8 months (we broke up around 10ish), he ended up trying to get in contact with her. She had a bit of a meltdown in front of me when he texted her, "I miss you and love you still". Yeah, woo. They hung out the next day and she said she felt fine and it felt good to hang with him (yep, doesn't understand No Contact to keep herself rekindling things and hurting herself :rolleyes:)
She then realized she couldn't be speaking to him and be hanging with him because of me. She wanted it to be fair and she made it clear to me she didn't want anything with him. Fine. Sounds good to me, I'm comfortable.
Month later, I guess he started texting her again about everyday greeting her like, "morning beautiful". I caught it one day and confronted her. Her response was she hasn't responded and has been trying to talk to her, and she wanted none of it. Sounds good. Week after that, it got a little more. Calls I guess, and then she started mutually texting him. Texting and calling seemed more common, but she hid it to not hurt me (what I think). I don't like him much since he didn't respect her boundaries and tried getting back with her when we were clearly in a relationship and he knew.
So, hopefully that's some good background... but there's a little more. (novel?) So, she confronted me one day and told me she had something to say. She admitted she started talking to him again. I didn't react with hostility or anything. I ended up telling her I wasn't happy with that decision because I knew it would bring back feelings and whatnot, considering how I know how he was talking to her. I told her I was not comfortable, and not a good idea considering I know it was her first serious relationship, 4 years, etc. She said it was not, and it was fine and under control.
I was not happy but believed her. Next weekend, I got 2 calls from a former girl who I messed around with and told her about her since she asked about her earlier on in the year with who she was to me. 2 Calls she made to me because she needed someone to talk to, so I was an ear. No big deal, doesn't mean I'm cheating on her. One night after her not normally speaking to me and acting weird, she blew up on me. Told me she saw the calls and it has been on the back of her mind. Told her since when is it okay for you to speak to your ex boyfriend who you know wants to be back with you and I know he speaks to you the way of being very lovey-dovey. Told me she needed a break to figure things out and whatnot. At that point I didn't know why she used the excuse of the girl I had 2 calls with, but then later on found out by asking her.
It has been a month, we kept in touch and we pretty much acted like we were in a relationship.. we spoke everyday, sameday rituals in a way, but with guilt with the fact she broke what wast between us. We still had sex every time we saw each other (woops) and I brought up what she had thought and what she wanted to do. Every time was "I don't know what I want".
Clearly she's confused because she told me in her 4 year relationship, they broke up a few times due to just bad arguments they had and came back together after a week of time or whatever. She knows she's screwed up and isn't playing fair with me, she has admitted it plenty of times. Still tells me she loves me and cares for me. I played the NC for a day and she couldn't handle it, told me she couldn't do a day without speaking to me because she sees how much she cares and loves me and how much I've done for her, etc etc.
Now, I'm at the point where I just want an answer. She can't have both (me or her ex), so she has to choose who she wants to have. Me, (NC with ex), or him (NC with me anymore). She has trouble talking about it and crys about it all the time. She tells me she wants to be with me, but doesn't because it's not fair she's thinking of him if she's with me. So I told her, I want to help. First step is NO CONTACT. She tells me she wants to talk to him though, and I tell her well; it's either me or him. She tells me she hates how pushy I am with it.
After that nice big novel, tell me your advice/opinion on this. Yes, I love her and care so much for her. But I can't be doing anymore of this after a month of going back and forth with the subject and this on my mind too much.
Thanks for reading.
