I don't know really where to start.
Guess I am like 2 different people - one moment I am severely down to the extend of not wanting to talk to anyone and just be left alone all the signs of normal depression but then other times I can be high as a kite on fresh air and do crazy things that in a normal state of mind I would never dream of doing.
I am lost. I just don't know what is wrong with me but scared to get help in case they lock me up and throw away the key.

Tell me about your "high" periods. Do you shop? Spend too much money? Money on things you don't need?

I get very excited over silly ideas like deiding to set up my own business ( the 4th one in 3 years all failed) Have no idea where the idea comes from but once in my head that's it - no stopping me - this time I have even enrolled on a course I can not afford - have no real interest in - spend £600 average on flyers / business cards / folders - I have no idea what I am doing but it feels great I dress up and swan around around feel fantastic.
Bills do not get paid nothing matters but my ideas.
I spend hours researching and emailing people that I get too involved food and sleep go out the window.
There is so muh more but I just do not know how to describe it but some fantastic super human power - but then I hit the floor with an almighty thud.

It sounds as though you might have bipolar disorder from the way you describe this. You need to see your doctor for a proper diagnosis and medication. I wouldn't be surprised if this is what you have.

I have suffered and lived with depressive episodes for 15 years now I tried to take my own life at 14 years , since then depression comes and goes - I lived with domestic violence for 11 years that caused great depressive times and even a break down , I know the signs of depression but this time it feels different like these high times.
I would be ashamed to list the crazy things I have done.But the mood swings also scare me , I can just come out with crazy accusations and cause arguments and throw my partner out and money seems to be an issue for example if there is under £100 in my purse I think my life is over and worry about paying for things it doesn't matter they have already been paid.
I have caused a great deal of mess you have no idea .

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Originally Posted by mumtosix

you have no idea .

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Yes, I do have an idea of what you are going through. You NEED to see a doctor, sooner rather than later.

Reading your words it is almost crystal clear that you are suffering from bipolar disorder. You need to get this treated so that you can raise your children in a happy healthy atmosphere.

I am scared of what they will do , they will think I am crazy , I am also pregnant but seem to be in some kind of denial. Usually I would be so excited any everyone would know , but I want it a secret and have not even told a medical person as yet. I have even convinced myself maybe I am not and have no symptoms of pregnancy although I am 13-14 weeks.
Thank you for listening I feel better just getting it off my chest.

Hun, let me put it into perspective for you...

If you had a heart condition would you die or take the medication? Of course you would take the medication. Disorders such as bipolar disorder are real. You are not crazy, you just have an imbalance of chemicals in your body. Pregnancy is going to magnify what you are going through.

This is the 21st Century. You won't get placed into some mental institution to be left alone to rot away. This is a very treatable disorder. Very common in fact.

Before it ruins you, your other children, and your life in general, you need to see a doctor to get this treated.

I just dare not even tell my partner , I have been threw so much lately I just put it down to stress , but when I get in the bath and can not even lay down in case someone comes in and drowns me it scares you. So many strange things are running threw my head.
I will make an appointment to see doctor , lets hope I don't get scared to tell him. I just clam up I think its as I think everyone is expecting me to fail.