Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do if we're living with his parents.

What should I do if we are financially dependent on his parents because my hubby can't find a decent job in this economy (it's been 4 years since he hasn't had a job he is comfortable with). So he ended up working for the family business (restaurant x2). His father is a multi millionare yet his pay is a mere couple of hundred dollars a week. His father pays for our cars and insurance and we pay for our bills. We live in the same house with his parents, sister, and grandmother. I have always wanted to be out on our own and he always uses the job situation as an excuse to not get out. I also suggested many times he should ask his father for a raise so we can get a small apt and be on our own. It's been over a year since I suggested this and he still can't find the nerve to ask. I don't get along with his family. They call me nasty names for no reason. I am asian and they are italian. They call me a gold digger behind my back and to my face and my hubby doesn't do anything to stop them or confront them. He just tells me to ignore them. We have two sons, 18 months and 3. They are OK with the living conditions but I can no longer cope. We all share a small bedroom while his sister has a master suite (4 times the size of ours) and parents the same. I don't get treated the same way as other family members or friends. I come from a decent family that lives in an upper middle class neighborhood and the mortgage is completely paid off. His family doesn't even own a piece of property in full title (20 yr mortgage to go on multi million house). So why am I the goldigger? I'm thinking about separation to see if he is willing to change, but I simply can't bear it anymore and nothing has changed since we got married and started living here with his controlling family. They ignore the fact that I am 30, the mother of their grandchildren (they say and do as they please, ice cream for breakfast etc). I'm losing it and can only dream of escaping what feels like a prison holding myself esteem and everything else I knew before down under. What should I do?

Are you in any position to find a job? This would help in many ways. It would get you out of that house now and then. Increase income for the cause. And finally, It would help yourself esteem issue.
I think you must also remind your husband that you married him, and not his parents. He should stick up for you... stand by your side... listen to your wants and wishes.

Hello cute:

Well, I'd borrow some money from my middle class family and move out.

If your husband goes with you, keep him. If he doesn't, throw him to the curb.

excon

I don't know why you'd have two babies while living at the mercy of his parents, in their home.

Maybe they treat you the way they do because you are still living in their home.

You can complain about them all you like, but while you are accepting their food shelter and car insurance, you should be more grateful. Without them, and your husband being unable to support his family, you'd be in a shelter.

Many women have set an example for you. Working, raising children, paying the bills are part of everyday life for millions. Why are you the exception. There is help out there for low income situations like yours. Job re-training, job skills, assistance with finding employment, subsidised daycare, medical and dental assistance, rent geared to income, transportation allowances, food stamps, income suppliments, food banks, service clubs- to name a few.

Time to put yourself in a position of providing for yourself and your children. As excon says, if he goes with you, good, if not, you are not stuck where you are. Nobody has you chained to the stove, and you can freely open up that front door, get the help you need, and get out.

Now, what was your problem again?

Change always starts with you, you are the one responsible for that person, no one else.

How, read the other posts ^^^^^

Stringer

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockie100

Are you in any position to find a job? This would help in many ways. It would get you out of that house now and then. Increase income for the cause. And finally, It would help your self esteem issue.
I think you must also remind your husband that you married him, and not his parents. He should stick up for you... stand by your side...listen to your wants and wishes.

I am now, and am planning on entering the food service industry (FCI) in the next two months. This way it's immediate and I will have a guaranteed job lined up in six months. I was in no position, shape or form to do this before now. By the time I got pregnant with my second, hubby was intitutionalized for mental illness and it took him two years to get better when he finally took meds as prescribed by doctors. So while he was sick, his mother, sister, and grandmother conspired and tried several times to throw me out on the street. MIL even suggested I go on welfare and get out. My FIL is the only one who was helping me in this situation. I am very grateful to him and always will be. I intend on paying him back in every way possible and will always be thankful to him. He took on the role and provided for me and the kids until now. I no longer feel that we should be here, now that hubby is mentally stable and can work. But the women have always had a problem with having me around, they are very into their own family, etc and I never felt welcomed here. I stayed for two reasons. Hubby was sick and we needed support. Without the health insurance, and quite frankly without me being there, his mother just wanted him put away for two years. She's very materialistic and thinks we are after "her money". She doesn't work and has a broken marriage with FIL. FIL intends on handing family biz to hubby and she doesn't want that to happen. So there are a lot of other issues at hand here. I have suggested to him several times to just move out and move on, and if he is to inherit anything, it will come some day but it won't come in the near future. It's been about 1 year since he started getting better and since I have started telling him how I feel. Now I'm frustrated that he's not doing what's right. He's too comfortable right now and he doesn't want to move out to live in a small apt seems like. I'm just frustrated since I went through so much and he wasn't there, because of illness and completely understand, otherwise I would have been out the door sooner. We left as a family once (The three of us then before 2nd baby) and FIL asked me to come back and said the new house he was building was intended for us. It's been 3 years since the house went into construction and it's nowhere near completion. We would have our own apt style living space with bedrooms, kitchen. But it seems like an urban legend at this point. I'm disillusioned.

Should I stay and deal with the hatred on a daily basis? Or should I go and let hubby follow me? With the economy being the way it is, it makes no sense to leave, but it's almost impossible to continue living this way. So I need some advise as my head is spinning right now. I don't really care about money, the house, the business. I care about my children and hubby's well being and being there for them 100 percent. And want to have our own rules, our own life, we have never been alone except on our honeymoon.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cutelotusflower

Should I stay and deal with the hatred on a daily basis?

Hello again, cute:

I haven't changed my mind. And, I ain't going to no matter how many times you tell your sad story.

excon

Quote:

Originally Posted by excon

Hello cute:

Well, I'd borrow some money from my middle class family and move out.

If your husband goes with you, keep him. If he doesn't, throw him to the curb.

excon

My heart is shattered in so many ways right now. I just feel like I'm all alone here and so isolated. I never spoke up about anything until he got better, never even talked back to them in fear that I would be kicked out and so helpless with a toddler and newborn baby. Daycare was not a solution for me as it horrified me to think something bad could happen to the baby. The middle class family (my mother) is helping me pay for culinary school. I didn't even ask her, she offered when I told her about my plans. My original plan was to take out a full loan and pay it off eventually. (42,500 total). I'm just afraid to make a move because of having lived in so much fear without my hubby being there for me before. And I really have tried to get along with MIL and the others. I did the little things like sew her hemlines and make tea for her when she got sick. She would refuse my tea and won't eat the food I make,etc. I feed her mother breakfast and dinner and make special dietry dishes to accommodate her stomach issues. Still she called me names in front of the children when hubby was in hospital and tried to kick us out.

Hello again, cute girl:

Look. I read your story the first time. It's bad, that's why I told you to get out. I'm not UNSYMPATHETIC, but more story isn't going to make me MORE sympathetic.

I'd much rather hear what you're DOING about it.

excon

Quote:

Originally Posted by excon

Hello again, cute girl:

Look. I read your story the first time. It's bad, that's why I told you to get out. I'm not UNSYMPATHETIC, but more story isn't going to make me MORE sympathetic.

I'd much rather hear what you're DOING about it.

excon

I have been planning on moving out, but should I go before finishing school (6 months away) or do it now, and put the kids in daycare? I want to leave and bring hubby with me when I finish and have an actual job that brings in income so I can pay rent, pay a sitter, etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cutelotusflower

I have been planning on moving out, but should I go before finishing school (6 months away) or do it now, and put the kids in daycare? I want to leave and bring hubby with me when I finish and have an actual job that brings in income so I can pay rent, pay a sitter, etc.

Hello again, girl:

All good questions that I can't answer.

excon