I have been with my partner for 8 1/2 years. We have a very comfortable relationship and though we have had regular sex during our relationship it has not really been a strong point. There has been a bit of sexual dysfunction on his part, though I didn't think it really worried me.

Recently I started having sex with someone else. I never knew sex could be so wonderful. I realised that I didn't know what I liked enough to tell my partner so he could satisfy me. I have now started trying to tell him, though it seems no matter how much I tell him, it doesn't seem to turn me on.

The rest of our relationship is great, though I am at a point where I am making lots of excuses to not have sex. I have tried to introduce different things into the relationship to spice it up a bit.

I really love him, though don't think I can go on not enjoying sex with him.

Do you have any suggestions?

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Originally Posted by Iris09

I have been with my partner for 8 1/2 years. We have a very comfortable relationship and though we have had regular sex during our relationship it has not really been a strong point. There has been a bit of sexual dysfunction on his part, though I didn't think it really worried me.

Recently I started having sex with someone else. I never knew sex could be so wonderful. I realised that I didn't know what I liked enough to tell my partner so he could satisfy me. I have now started trying to tell him, though it seems no matter how much I tell him, it doesn't seem to turn me on.

The rest of our relationship is great, though I am at a point where I am making lots of excuses to not have sex. I have tried to introduce different things into the relationship to spice it up a bit.

I really love him, though don't think I can go on not enjoying sex with him.

Do you have any suggestions?

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WOW! Does he have any idea that he is being cheated on?

You "really love him", yet show no remorse whatsoever for putting him at risk of disease and infection.

Is that what "different things" you are introducing into the relationship? STD's?

You are disappointed that guy "A" is not learning the tricks that guy "B" taught you?

It sounds like you should be single, so you don't hurt anyone's feelings.

8 1/2 years, of trust, love, faith.

Are you sure you really"love" him? This is going to devastate him, you know that right?

Thanks for your feed back. I did expect comments like that. The issues actually go deeper than what it appears, as for 81/2 years my partner knows I actually haven't been turned on though he hasn't done anything about it. Now I am learning what does, I am trying to teach my partner, though he still doesn't get it. There are 2 sides to every situation. I accept that it would have been better if I had known more about myself before I met him.

This is a complex situation to advise on, as essentially you're 'getting your rocks off' with someone else. I'm assuming your current partner doesn't know about the fling.

Although your current relationhsip sounds comfortable, it doesn't sound as if you communicate very well, since you've been sexually dissatisfied for 8 and a bit years to the point where you're seeking sex elsewhere.

I'd suggest you start by talking to each other, but I'm not sure how you'll explain your new found sexual adventureousness.

There is an old saying - you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink - your partner may simply not want to engage with you, and you can't make him.

I suspect the damage is already done and at some level you know this - hence the cheating.

There are some people who take piano lessons for years, and never really get the hang of it.

I guess sex is the same way.

But my point is to change boyfriends before you have sex with someone else. Or just be single, and shop while you are at it.

My answer was harsh, yes. But I tried to put myself in the place of the boyfriend. He really hasn't deserved to be mis-treated has he?

If the sex is no good, I highly doubt the relationship will work. Especially now that you know how great sex CAN be.

Wow... you're so selfish. Jesus you should have said bye bye when you first realized he didn't turn you on and just been friends.. but you let it drag on. I know what it's like to reallly like someone and they can't please you sexually... it sucks but I at least let them off before leading them on any more.

If it was him sleeping around on YOU... how would you feel about it?

And why would that be any different.

It IS a big factor because a person who thinks nothing about sleeping around on their partner... is capable of doing fare worse things to the relationship. And if you are sleeping around, then you really don't have a relationship. So at least be fair to the other person. Leave them if you intend on doing this. They don't deserve to get an STD you brought home from one of your excapades. And yeah... it can happen, and does all too often.

I can't help but laugh.

After almost nine years, I can empathize with you because you didn't know what you're missing and sex is the emulsifier of a relationship.

My only suggestion is break up with your boyfriend and be honest about what you've done and why. If the sex sucked for you, it probably sucked for him too, don't make him suffer the rest of his life, let him know he has a problem. Try to bring some good out of this snafu.

Thank you for your empathy slapshot. You are right, I didn't know what I was missing. The comment from Isamor above, 'you just should have left him when you realised he didn't turn you on'. Well as I didn't know what I had been missing, didn't realise until I had sex with someone else that my current partner didn't turn me on.

It seems it has been interpreted that I have just thougtlessly gone out and slept with someone else. Before this situation, I had been very judgemental about affairs and had said similar things to friends that I have since apologised to. I can't explain the power that overcame me to actually be able to do such an act. I'm not making excuses, just this overwhelming force came upon me to to this. Obivously when I did this act I then realised my relationship didn't have a future. So it would have been great to identify this prior to actually having sex with someone else, though until then didn't know there was a problem.

I would be upset if he was having sex with someone else, and don't worry I do think about this a lot.

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Originally Posted by Iris09

Thankyou for your empathy slapshot. You are right, I didn't know what I was missing. the comment from Isamor above, 'you just should have left him when you realised he didn't turn you on'. Well as I didn't know what I had been missing, didn't realise until I had sex with someone else that my current partner didn't turn me on.

It seems it has been interpreted that I have just thougtlessly gone out and slept with someone else. Before this situation, I had been very judgemental about affairs and had said similar things to friends that I have since apologised to. I can't explain the power that overcame me to actually be able to do such an act. I'm not making excuses, just this overwhelming force came upon me to to this. Obivously when I did this act I then realised my relationship didn't have a future. So it would have been great to identify this prior to actually having sex with someone else, though until then didn't know there was a problem.

I would be upset if he was having sex with someone else, and don't worry I do think about this alot.

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Yes, I agree that it's easy for us to make judgements, and unfortunately life only gives us 20/20 vision in retrospect, not in advance. If only we could look forward and see what the consequences of our actions might be!

What you have said though is - 'I realized my relationship did not have a future' - essentially this is the crux of the matter, and even though you love your partner, you know in your heart that is's not sustainable in the longer term.

In all honesty, can you continue loving someone that you're cheating on and, is this fair to him? If you DO love him, then perhaps the most ethical thing you can do is set him free so that he can explore his sexuality with someone else, as you have done.

You know that what you're doing is dishonest and you know that your partner, who you love, deserves better than this. It's not about your sexual relationship now, it's about being a decent human being and treating the person you claim to love with honour and respect.

Hard as it is, a decision needs to be made by you. It will be painful and there will be guilt and recriminations, but I suspect you've reached the point of no return.