I was an alcoholic/addict when my daughter was a young teenager. I went into rehab and have been clean for 15 years. She is single and has two children. All of them live in my house. She pays $200 per month rent. For that $200, she has the downstairs that includes a bath and a kitchen as well as two bedrooms, laundry room and living room. She has a decent job. She rarely spends a dime on her kids. I send them to private school, buy their clothes, shoes, dr bills, food, etc. She does NOTHING in the household. She will wait till I get home from work and ask me what I am cooking. If I do start cooking, she goes downstairs till the meal is fixed then she will come back up- to eat and leave without cleaning up. She does not even put her kids in the bathtub most of the time. I have thought that we have made peace. I feel I have to take care of the kids because she won't. She even was off work and would not go to her son's school party because "nobody talks to her" Her kids do extracuricular activities because I am the one who goes and pays the way. She does not even take her kids to school. She sleeps, works, plays on MY computer for hours and that is it. She says the F word to me, she tells me she can't stand me. She says I fuss all the time. Of course I do! I get no help and I am 50 years old. She is hateful to everyone. HOW CAN I GAIN HER RESPECT??

Stop doing things for her. Do not invite her to dinner. Do not clean up her stuff.

Lay down the rules and if they are not complied with take away other things you provide for her.

CHeck out the book Have A New Kid By Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. Its mostly about teens, but his ideas can be applied to adult children too... especially dependent ones like yours.

I know this isn't what you want to hear... I first want to say that you are a good person, a WONDERFUL grandma and everything that was in the past is in the past and is NOT part of who you are today. You are making remarkable efforts in trying so hard to earn back trust and respect.

She more then likely holds resentments from the past and is now directing them at you - since you mentioned the alcoholism/addiction. She may have not had much support from you being an alcoholic/addict growing up and so is exhibiting the same or similar or other developed behavior she learned or assumed growing up. Growing up with an alcoholic is horrible... it takes a tremendous amount of self-worth. Very dysfunctional and usually when these children become adults they exhibit some sort of behavior or emotional instability like your daughter not getting along with others, being anti-social or showing disrespect to you in this parent to adult-child relationship. Some of these kids actually turn out to be control freaks too... I am only saying this because I seen it from an Italian family I knew growing up. I was my girlfriends best friend and ONLY friend... her dad got drunk at the table and we are talking about a very large family and the grandparents. He freaked if there was no wine or bread at the table... he drank a liter a night. I couldn't really relate but I definitely understood. The father was a hardworking man, he supported and provided for his family. He was not violent... vocal... but not violent... it was more annoying and irritating to everyone at the table... we all had to listen to it, no one said anything to him or his face would go red and he would yell in Italian. He isn't a bad person... just the alcohol didn't help his stress, his health and especially his relationships to his children.

Now you want to help her and show her you care and that you are really making an effort. Congratulations by the way, it takes great strides to come to the point in life your in! You can sit down and talk to her but if she shows you no respect then she will continue to be as she is. I feel really bad for the kids because they are innocent and need love, attention and care... she is neglecting them in a big way! You can talk to her and maybe suggest counseling... she will more then likely lash out at you and run from the house but really... what mother does not prepare breakfast, lunch and make dinner for her kids... bathe them, play with them or spend time with them? She should not expect you raise her kids no matter what the past or how undeserving she may think you are. You don't deserve to be treated this way... you need to set boundaries and I love the book steve suggested!

You cannot change the past, but, you can change the present, and the future.

We are all entitled to our mistakes, and many of us screwed up during our lives, but that is not who you are now. Stop going back in time as an excuse to justify your daughters behaviour.

It is what it is- now.

She is an adult, with a good job, two healthy children, and is nearly a 30 year old woman who is abusing and using you, because it is easier than growing up, and taking responsibility for herself.

You are her mother yes, but you are not her mop. You can't allow her to expect that you will clean up her messes and hide your feelings in the broom closet.

She needs a little dose of reality. Rotten childhood- yes. So what, get over it already, nobody owes her an easy life because she had a hard go as a teenager. If she has issues with her past, she should decide to put herself in counselling to deal with it.

You have to stop her from taking you for a free ride. Lay down the expectations you have of her, write it out, give it to her. That may include bathing the children, doing some household chores, taking them to their activities, and planning for her own independence, out of your home.

While that might be startling to her, as she's become royalty in your home, she needs to take care of her own business, and not take her frustrations, insecurities, and selfish needs out on you!

She is neglecting her children, practically being spoon fed, and living a life without expectations or consequences. You are not doing her any favours by allowing this behaviour to continue.

At this stage of the game help out if you can, of course, but she needs to stop expecting you to do everything for her, and you need to stand up and draw a line that she cannot cross. At age 50, your parenting days should be over.

To continue, or choose to continue to put up with this behaviour is a choice you have to make. I hope that you yourself will consider counselling to address the issues at hand, and find a way to assert yourself, and take charge of your life, without being so responsible for your daughter and her children.

I don't know if you can gain her respect, but you need to do something for your own self respect. Once you start treating yourself with respect and let go of some of the guilt you clearly hold, then perhaps her opinion of you won't matter so much.

Please stop doing things for her - stop cooking, stop paying and stop doing things for the kids. They are her responsibility not yours. Do a course or something so you don't have to be home to cook or take the children to school. Tell your daughter you've decided to improve yourself and then leave her to her own devices.

Also tell her that the world financial crisis has meant that cost have gone up and charge her $500 per month plus bills. Set up a direct debit from her bank a/c to yours.

Stop fussing and start taking action. It will be hard and she'll buck and scream, but you'll feel a lot better about yourself.

She has too good of a deal to leave... so if you don't ask you won't get, put your foot down, she'll get used to it. Have expectations and thank her for her efforts. Don't be codependant or feel guilty for your past, you were brave enough to change, congratulations!