Ask Me Help Desk - My adult son

My son is 42. I have always had a wonderful relationship with him, About 3 years ago he moved back to my state to start a business. I helped him I even worked for him and put my house up for his business.. He got rich and now he hates me. I never saw it coming. His phone is blocked and he will not call me mom or even speak to me. He has turned my 2 grand girls against me, They are 23 and 17. We also were very close.
People tell me that he will come back to me but he hasn't.. it has been 3 years, I am thinking of seeing a doc over this, I can't take any more and I do not understand his hate towards me.

Just like that?
Sounds very weird if u tell me!

Did he get married in the interim? Did he repay the money he lent you? Is your home still being used as security for the business?

Seeing a therapist should help you deal with the betrayal. But it will do nothing to repair the rift. Does your son go to church regularly? Is there some friend, clergyman, business partner, etc. who can act as an intermediary to at least find out WHY he turned against you?

Something like that doesn't just come out of the blue. Bottomline, you need to get help to deal with the lockout. But you also need help to find out what caused the rift so you can try to work on repairing it.

Need more information.

What was it that yous fought about?

Quote:

Originally Posted by SINGLE4

Need more information.

What was it that yous fought about?

If you read the OP, there was no mention of a fight and a definite lack of understanding about why the rift. So why would you ask what they fought about?

Scott your answers helped me very much... this is the second year of this and when I woke up today I knew I couldn't take any more... I am seeing a doc this coming Wednesday. I know I can never have my son back but I need to learn to more on and be happy.
Some one asked what we fought about and someone said it sounded weird to them.. I do not care how it sounded... as we all know there is not enough room to write every side of every thing... I just know that I was a very good mother and money changed him.. I just don't want to hurt any more and to be happy.
Thank you again scott

You may be offended by what some of these people are saying, but surely you can understand why. You say that you had a wonderful relationship with your son for many years. You helped him and then you said he got rich and changed on you.
There has to be a reason, some kind of "tiff" between the both of you, maybe? Something had to happen for him to make these Drastic (and these are extremely drastic) changes between the both of you. You don't have a wonderful loving relationship for 42 years and then just up and change it completely one day for no reason at all.

No it does not add up and no there was no "tiff". Maybe I am dumb but I never saw it coming. I knew something was wrong but he never wanted to talk about it and he was always to busy to see me. When I pushed him I was told to.. well... to go away.
He bought a car ( tony sopano car) and he told me to make an appt.to see him. He was always referring to himself as Tony. There was no big fight.. when he got enough money to hire a clerk I stayed home. He paid me back , but our deal was I owned 2 precent of the business.. it was not in writing. I don't care about the money. I don't have any but that is OK. My son is rich now so rich that I have no idea how much he has, but he has big house.. servants.. etc.
There was no fight.. there was no tiff.. I was blindsided.. I lost my mother right before the final thing... I was crying and he asked me if I wanted him to take care of it.. I told him yes.. thinking that he would just talk to funeral home... she died July 4th at 12:05 am.. July 4th at 4 pm she was put into the ground with nothing ever done and no one told.. I was left with all the phone calls. He also paid for it.. I never meant for him to do that. I wanted a church service as my mom had lots of friends and a lovely church that she loved, but I said nothing. I have never said anything mean to him and I have asked him why and the only answer is that I am crazy and that I am a piece of Sh** he slammed out of my house after taking the door knob off the front door.. he didn't have a key and I didn't have an extra one so he wanted the door rekeyed. I have been very sick and I took a lot of drugs ( as precribed) he wanted me to give him some.. not the first time... but I didn't have any extra.
That could not have mad him mad because he buys pain pills all the time.. it isn't like he had to have mine. When I told him no he just went kinnda crazy and left.. that was the last of it.
And no drugs are not making him act this way... he has taken pain pills for years and years.

He hates me and I have no idea why. I took care of him and his wife and kids when they were starting. I had a good job and they needed help. I have always been there for him.
I do not know what else to say. I never did anything to him and there is no good reason for him to act this way.
I am not offended but I am so hurt that I can't take it any more.. I am seeing a doc this coming Wednesday. I belong to a good church but it isn't enough. My family consists of 2 sons. My youngest son is disabled and my oldest son hates me my oldest son is an atheist an we have no friends in common any more . He has all new friends
I have never written on a board before, but before I called the doc I was really really lost.
I am raising my youngest sons little girl.. she is 8 and I love her but I know I need help.. this hurting is too much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

You may be offended by what some of these people are saying, but surely you can understand why. You say that you had a wonderful relationship with your son for many years. You helped him and then you said he got rich and changed on you.
There has to be a reason, some kind of "tiff" between the both of you, maybe? Something had to happen for him to make these Drastic (and these are extremely drastic) changes between the both of you. You don't have a wonderful loving relationship for 42 years and then just up and change it completely one day for no reason at all.

No I don't understand... if I knew what happened I would try to fix it. As far as I am concerned I never saw it coming.. not even in hindsight.
It seems one day things were a little strained and then he was gone, home phone blocked no answer on his cell . I refuse to call work. My one granddaughter called me a year ago and told me to leave her dad alone I upset him.. I helped raise this child. The youngest is ADH and she does not talk to anyone . I will never ask her. Kids shouldn't be used this way. AND she knows I love her and my phone is not blocked. Both kids have been told over and over that I love then.. before the phone was blocked but I never said a word about there father and myself. I am not like that.
The wife I always got along well with but she is very unstable with mental illness. Perhaps she had something to do with this, but I do not know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krs

Just like that??
Sounds very weird if u tell me!

Comments on this post
isabelle disagrees: very judgemental

You're telling me I'm judgemental... while if you read closely I'm saying "very weird if u tell me" are you sons actions! :confused:

But hey that's enough from me!

It is difficult to believe that a son can change just like that. I suggest that you take the high road and let them be for a while. If they have any love left for you, they will make a move. If not, after waiting for a while (months, a year or two if you have to), try to have an honest talk. When I say "talk," I really mean that you "listen." Try not to respond back. Just listen, then execuse yourself and digest what was said. This may give you an insight as to why he changed.

I think there is more to this story than being let on.

The OP is very vauge and the other post by isabelle is very hard to follow.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BIM

I think there is more to this story than being let on.

The OP is very vauge and the other post by isabelle is very hard to follow.

I think you are being unfair to isabelle. She has been very clear that she doesn't understand why the turnaround. She claims that nothing happened that could have caused it.

There may, indded, be more to this. But I think isabelle will need the help of a third party to determine what that is. Either a therapists who may be able to bring out something she has suppressed or didn't understand or a mediator to get the story from the son's perspective.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

There may, indded, be more to this. But I think isabelle will need the help of a third party to determine what that is. Either a therapists who may be able to bring out something she has supressed or didn't understand or a mediator to get the story from the son's perspective.

I agree... she probably needs to go to a therapist to work through this situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by isabelle

I have been very sick and i took a lot of drugs ( as precribed) he wanted me to give him some.. not the first time... but i didnt have any extra.
That could not have mad him mad because he buys pain pills all the time .. it isnt like he had to have mine. when i told him no he just went kinnda crazy and left .. that was the last of it.
And no drugs are not making him act this way... he has taken pain pills for years and years.

Isabelle, I feel for your situation. I understand how hard it is to lose a child. It can be even harder losing one like you did then it is losing one to death. I am not saying it is, mind you, I am just saying that sometimes it can be.

If you read the excerpt from one of your posts above, I see a red flag. You say that he has taken pain pills for years and years. I am wondering, I do not know just wondering, if he was unable to get the pills because the doctor refused to prescribe anymore, or for some other reason. Then he came to you and you would not support his habit and he got angry.

Understand that drug abuse comes in many forms, not just illegal drugs like cocaine or marijuana. He may very well be addicted to these drugs. When you refused to support his habit he "turned" on you, which is common with drug addicts.

I am not saying that this is the problem. I just learned these behaviors during my phsychiatry rotation, of which I will be doing more in the spring.

I am happy to hear you are getting some help and that you have a strong support system with your church. That is very important.

Good luck, Isabelle, I wish you well.

Isabelle,

I think Janine has really found a probable answer here. It certainly sounds like your son is abusing pain meds. Which could cause mood swings, personality changes and other things. You definitely should mention this to your therapists right up front. This may not be due to anything you have done, but to a medial problem with your son.

And that brings us to another point. Why is he taking pain meds? Do you know who is doctor is? If you do, I would have a confidential discussion with him. Don't expect the doctor to pass any info to you, but he does need to know about the personality change. It could be a medically treated condition that will restore relations.

Thank you Scott. I really was surprised that you missed that! But it was kind of hidden in the middle.

Isabelle, as well as having a discussion with his doc, you may want to contact the local pharmacy he visits, or several in your area. Sometimes people with drug seeking behavior like this stagger their visits to pharmacies so that their addiction does not scream out loud to the pharmacist.

Again, only my opinion from what I read, but it seems as though he was out of meds and you would not enable him, so he took it out on you. This is obvious drug seeking behavior and it is unlikely that he will receive the help he needs unless his doctor or pharmacist are notified.

Scott is right, the doctor will not pass any info to you, this is doctor/patient privilege, however, the doctor will be made aware of your concerns of possible pain med addiction and personality change and will hopefully take appropriate steps in prescribing pain meds in the future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krs

Just like that??
Sounds very weird if u tell me!

I disagreed with what you said. The post asked me and I was honest.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

I think you are being unfair to isabelle. She has been very clear that she doesn't understand why the turnaround. She claims that nothing happened that could have caused it.

There may, indded, be more to this. But I think isabelle will need the help of a third party to determine what that is. Either a therapists who may be able to bring out something she has supressed or didn't understand or a mediator to get the story from the son's perspective.

Thak you scott.. there are always 2 sides but I can only tell mine. I am going to a doc today to try to get some help with this.

I disagreed with what you said. The post asked me and I was honest.

Comments on this post
Krs agrees: I disagree.. where in that sentence was I questioning your honesty?

I never said you questioned my honesty. I said I answered the rating question honestly.
Please don't read what I do not say.

Good for you Isabelle... glad to hear you are getting some help for yourself. Now, don't forget to mention this to the doc. He may have some advice we are not thinking of.

Good luck to you girl.