Ask Me Help Desk - Jealous/envious 9 year old girl

I would appreciate some advice about something which has been concerning me. My boyfriends' 9 year old daughter is a very jealous/envious girl. She doesn't live with us but we see a lot of her and some of the things she says I worry its not normal for a child to feel. I can give a couple of examples: on holiday we took her and our neighbours 11 year son away. One day, the boy forgot his spending money so my boyfriend said that he will pay for what he wanted and he could pay him back when we got back to the cottage we were staying at. My boyfriends daughter (then 8 yrs) kept track all day of how much the boy owed her dad because she was worried that the boy might get away with an amount and it wouldn't be fair. Also, yesterday I picked up her cousin (14) in the afternoon so he could help me walk my dogs. We got a drink on the way home. Later on, we picked up my BF daughter and took her and her cousin bowling. On the way, I asked him if his drink was left in my car and she immediately demanded "what drink?". She was clearly jealous that her cousin had been bought a drink although she was at home with her Mum at the time. This child is a bit spoilt, she never goes short of treats. Any opinions/suggestions? Should we just ignore it or what do you think?

It sounds like rather typical childhood behavior so I would perhaps make a comment about it but not make a big deal out of it.

If you see that she is behaving selfishly ,I would make her understand that sharing and giving to others is a good thing that she should be learning.

Encourage her to share and understand that this behavior may be a learned behavior.She could be modeling an adult in her life.

Also know that spoiling children does them a great disservice.
It gives them an unrealistic sense of entitlement and it is a hard habit to break.

These kids turn into the adults that have few friends and poor interpersonal relationships later in life.

Jealousy and envy are usually masked by insecurity and fear.

She may fear that her 'place' in the family is be replaced by a cousin or friend who seems to be getting more than her. That could include attention, material things, even the drink you mentioned.

That she's making a point of it, is just to remind people that she is there, protecting her turf, and keeping track to make sure it is fair.

I don't think that it has anything to do with anything more serious than that. With time and maturity she will realize that she need not feel insecure or fearful of losing what she has.

Time and patience. Maybe to make a big deal out of this will only make matters worse. Her feelings are what they are, and if she's told she's wrong, or being petty, or she has no reason to feel the way she does, it will only cause more resentment and insecurity.

Keep an eye on it, but my advice is to just reassure her, validate her feelings when she gets anxious about something, and let it go with a simple explanation.

My cousins daughter was the same way. She has two half siblings, heaven forbid they would get more then her.

Now she's 12 and it's gotten out of control. If she doesn't get what she wants she threatens her dad, things like "I'll tell mom that you're abusing me, or I won't come see you anymore" so he gives in.

This can easily go from childish 9 year old behavior to hellish teen behavior. Sadly it's often something children of divorce go through.

It's time for you and your boyfriend to tell her that she will never be shortchanged, that you care for her and that she doesn't have to worry that she'll get less then anyone. But, and this is where it can get tricky, also tell her that she is being selfish and it's not acceptable behavior. If you want to buy a drink for someone she doesn't automatically need to get the same thing.

It's a juggling act.

Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

My cousins daughter was the same way. She has two half siblings, heaven forbid they would get more then her.

Now she's 12 and it's gotten out of control. If she doesn't get what she wants she threatens her dad, things like "I'll tell mom that you're abusing me, or I won't come see you anymore" so he gives in.

This can easily go from childish 9 year old behavior to hellish teen behavior. Sadly it's often something children of divorce go through.

It's time for you and your boyfriend to tell her that she will never be shortchanged, that you care for her and that she doesn't have to worry that she'll get less then anyone. But, and this is where it can get tricky, also tell her that she is being selfish and it's not acceptable behavior. If you want to buy a drink for someone she doesn't automatically need to get the same thing.

It's a juggling act.

Good luck.

I think you it said it beautifully.She will never be shortchanged! Excellent!
Sit her down and tell her,this is how it is and we love you.That is a beginning! :D

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

My cousins daughter was the same way. She has two half siblings, heaven forbid they would get more then her.

Now she's 12 and it's gotten out of control. If she doesn't get what she wants she threatens her dad, things like "I'll tell mom that you're abusing me, or I won't come see you anymore" so he gives in.

This can easily go from childish 9 year old behavior to hellish teen behavior. Sadly it's often something children of divorce go through.

It's time for you and your boyfriend to tell her that she will never be shortchanged, that you care for her and that she doesn't have to worry that she'll get less then anyone. But, and this is where it can get tricky, also tell her that she is being selfish and it's not acceptable behavior. If you want to buy a drink for someone she doesn't automatically need to get the same thing.

It's a juggling act.

Good luck.

Thank you Altenweg, this is really helpful advice. The trouble is, her Dad doesn't really see it as a problem. I don't like to call him shallow but he doesn't seem to realise that parents have a responsibility towards their children's emotional health, not just physical. He'd be straight down the chemist if she had a cold but if she shows a symptom of not being right in herself it doesn't bother him. She is a shy quiet little thing with little confidence but he just accepts her as she is rather than worrying about it like I do. I wish she was mine as its difficult with other peoples children. Unfortunately I don't get on with her Mum so can't talk to her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sajjw

Thank you Altenweg, this is really helpful advice. The trouble is, her Dad doesn't really see it as a problem. I don't like to call him shallow but he doesn't seem to realise that parents have a responsibility towards their childrens emotional health, not just physical. He'd be straight down the chemist if she had a cold but if she shows a symptom of not being right in herself it doesn't bother him. She is a shy quiet little thing with little confidence but he just accepts her as she is rather than worrying about it like I do. I wish she was mine as its difficult with other peoples children. Unfortunately I don't get on with her Mum so can't talk to her.

That's my cousin! We've all told him that she's turned into a spoiled brat, that he's feeding it, that he needs to put his foot down. He can't see it. He thinks that buying her things is showing her love.

It doesn't help that his first marriage ended in divorce and his ex took their daughter away to Toronto. He only saw her twice a year until she was a teen. It's almost like he's trying to make up for lost time with his second daughter, but instead he's actually turning her into a monster.

Often times those of us on the outside looking in, not the parent, see things a lot clearer then the parents do. You don't want to believe that your child has a problem, so ignore it and hope it goes away, which doesn't work.

It is hard being the step mom, or girlfriend. You have all the responsibilities of a mother without the power. You can't help but love the child in your care, but you don't have a say in how she's raised. It's hard.

The only thing you can do is set a good example while she's with you. Teach her that being selfish isn't a desirable trait. How? That's not easy. Play dates with kids that do share, that don't harp on every dime spent on someone else. Pay a lot of attention to those actions when they happen. Make sure you voice how proud you are of the kids that do share. Maybe she'll start to realize that she'll get more attention that way then by being greedy.

Sorry, I wish I had a fix for this, but it's a tough one.

Good luck. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by sajjw

Thank you Altenweg, this is really helpful advice. The trouble is, her Dad doesn't really see it as a problem. I don't like to call him shallow but he doesn't seem to realise that parents have a responsibility towards their childrens emotional health, not just physical. He'd be straight down the chemist if she had a cold but if she shows a symptom of not being right in herself it doesn't bother him. She is a shy quiet little thing with little confidence but he just accepts her as she is rather than worrying about it like I do. I wish she was mine as its difficult with other peoples children. Unfortunately I don't get on with her Mum so can't talk to her.

Sad to know he does not see it as a problem,he needs to get on board and apparently you need to educate him.
It just makes sense to teach your children well.