I've been on this site for a while now, and my story isn't much different from so many on here. I met a girl, we had a lot of fun, moved in together and the next thing we know 4+ years have passed and we're in our early/mid 20's and broken up.
I had plenty of girlfriends prior to her, but she was the first girl I ever really loved. This does not mean we didn't have our share of issues over those 4 years, but overall we must have gotten something right, or the time wouldn't have passed by as fast as it did.

Our breakup was because something just wasn't right about our relationship, we had been together for a long time and it just didn't seem entirely right. The quote "right person, wrong time" was used a lot. She wanted to move out and be alone for a while so I agreed, thinking that some space could possibly be a good thing. We stayed in contact after the breakup/move out and hooked up a few times. This brought on the conversation about how we weren't acting like we really broke up, and needed to go NC. About 2 months of NC passed and I couldn't take it anymore, I cracked after a conversation with a friend who was talking about the odd of getting back together drop drastically the longer NC is held. Since then we've been talking a lot.

The truth is I did not handle the no contact very well (or the breakup for that matter), I hid from everyone how much I was really depressed and missed her. I joined a new gym, played as many sports as I could and just did anything to keep myself busy and my mind occupied. None of this changed the hollow feeling in my stomach every night before I fell asleep.
I met new girls, a lot of them. I tried my best not to hook up with any, as rebound relationships aren't fair to anyone involved however I failed a few times. I find myself comparing every girl I meet to my prior relationship, and quickly decide to move on.

In recent conversations with my ex, I've found out that she has a new love interest in her life. She wasn't exactly quick to mention this, it only came out after I specifically asked and pushed the topic (Yes, It seems I enjoy hurting myself). We talked about our relationship and how we both felt. She said she felt she could never make me happy and now thinks she's found someone better than me but neither of us know the future. I am terrible at showing emotion or my feelings, which makes me a very hard person to read, but she did make me happy. I guess that is 1 lesson I need to come away from all of this having learned.

Why does she want to be friends, if she's found someone better?
Why am I so unable to let go, even though I feel I have a good grip on the situation?
How long will I continue to compare every girl to my EX?

Should I be friends with her?
It's hard to talk to her but I guess I'd rather have the pain of talking to her, than the emptiness of not. I know the answer to this is probably a no, but she is the person who knows me best in the world, even after NC and 6+ months of being broken up.

As I type this, it seems so obvious that I should just cut all ties, and keep my head up while letting as much time pass as I can. I know logically, that should work, but it I did that for a while, and it just felt so wrong.

Wrong can sometimes be right (Cutting ties)- especially as you are still hurting - you have to cut her loose - for good. Otherwise you will be torturing yourself. Good luck!

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Originally Posted by Styll

...She said she felt she could never make me happy and now thinks she's found someone better than me but neither of us know the future.

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Two Months of NC is nothing, you'll have something to talk about when you get nine under your belt.

And why would ever consider being friends with someone who says that?

Cut the ties,don't keep waiting around and don't fall for the we never know what will happen in the future angel-two months of NC is relatively short a time and you ve not healed properly yet.

Come back in 5 years and maybe you can be friends, you are still hurting and no you can not just be friends and ever move on.

I didn't read anything in your post that would make me think she is of any benefit to keep as a friend. Do you have anything? Can you give me a reason, besides the fact that you miss her, that you think she is beneficial to have around as a "friend"?

KCT- you bring up a very valid point about what she brings to the table in terms of a friendship. I guess the answer is; I only have about 3 people I consider good friends, the rest are just acquaintances. She is one of them. When we spoke on the phone, we talked for like 3 hours, when the conversation could have been less than 10 minutes.


As for the comments about just cutting all ties. I've read all the posts, and the answer is always the same. Cut off all communication; but I ask you - what in life comes without some pain? Do you build muscle by giving up and running every time you feel some pain?

Why does she ask me things about her life, why does she want to talk to me about serious things if she's found someone? Wouldn't she just ask him? If NC is needed to get over someone, does that mean she's not over me?

Am I over thinking this entire situation? Haha.

As a side note, I really appreciate the posts. It really does make me feel better to talk about it.

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Originally Posted by Styll

As for the comments about just cutting all ties. I've read all the posts, and the answer is always the same. Cut off all communication; but I ask you - what in life comes without some pain? Do you build muscle by giving up and running everytime you feel some pain?

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There is a fundamental difference between going through pain to grow physically and just accepting and enduring pain for the sake of personal choice. You gain nothing by keeping in contact her, you don't get stronger, you don't heal and you for sure don't move on. While muscles rebuild and get stronger, this would be insanity.

It is human nature to seek pleasure while avoiding pain. What you would be doing here is completely the opposite.

'' but I ask you - what in life comes without some pain?'' -

Pain, if possible should be avoided - that's the difference - like someone hitting you and you go back for more... we are all understanding that it isn't easy, but the ''no pain no gain'' thing can be perceived in a different way;
For you to move on and have a happy life (gain), you have to experience some emotional upheavals (pain) - the way you a re feeling now with NC etc

You didn't stay with NC long enough, start all over again.

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Why does she want to be friends, if she's found someone better?

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Better for romance, dating and fun, and your just a friend. She doen't feel the same way you do.

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Why am I so unable to let go, even though I feel I have a good grip on the situation?

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Good grip? I don't think so. Your miserable and STUCK.

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How long will I continue to compare every girl to my EX?

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Until you heal, and get a life that you enjoy without her.

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Should I be friends with her?

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Not while yor miserable and in pain, and have false hope that's driving you to stay that way.

You need more NC!!

Styll,

It is hard to cut ties with someone you care about. I have cut ties with my exes, though remain friendly if I run into them, with one exception. I can see now that he should not have been an exception either. I'll tell you how that went, so you can see why everyone says to cut ties.

We had been together for 18 months. Almost everything was great, but there were a couple of issues that just couldn’t seem to be resolved because they were ingrained in each of us. I was also fairly young (24) and working on my advanced degree, not ready to settle down and he was ready to get married and have kids. I decided it was time to break up because I could see that we were meant to be together for life, but there were many things I dearly loved about him. This was 3 years ago, and up until a few weeks ago we remained friends – talking or e-mailing at least once a week, sometimes daily, but there were also many times we had to stop talking for up to a month due to the confusion it caused.

He finally told me a few weeks ago that he couldn’t talk to me anymore. He was still hurting and still wanted to marry me, but he knew it would never happen. I feel terrible now, realizing the pain he’s been in for 3 years. I feel selfish for wanting to keep him in my life. He was an amazing friend, and we often helped each other with issues we were having. He dated other girls during the 3 years, even fell in love once, but he told me he always compared them to me and would decide to move on.

I see similarities in what you are saying – we could talk on the phone for 6 or 7 hours, and not want to stop. I always considered him one of my best friends. I spilled my heart to him, even when I was with someone else, because we were so close and he always helped me understand myself better. We kidded ourselves that we were helping each other and could keep it at a “friends” level. It doesn’t work. You are better off cutting ties now, and just taking what you have learned on to your new relationships. Deal with the pain now, or you will be dealing with it later.

I guess I'm holding on to the hope that being her exception will somehow lead to something more.

I'm not blinded to the truth that I should walk away, but I wanted to know if my story was somehow special. I don't crawl back to her begging. Our story is much like Just Looking's, except 4 years instead of 18months.

I didn't think that a girl who was with someone for so long could turn them into an Intellectual Whore, for lack of a better term. She seems to care for me still, she asks if I'm OK and how I'm doing... I guess I saw hope in that, considering every girl I've ever met who truly moved on from her EX, didn't really care how he was.

False hope unfortunately only keep us stuck in limbo when we should move on and get our lives together-so keep the NC going and good luck.

You know I haven't spoken to my last EX in about 9 months. I do, still, really miss her very much. But I'll be damned if I give her the satisfaction of thinking that I'm pining over her or in limbo.

What happens in a girls mind when she breaks up with her boyfriend, but still cares about him enough to be "best of friends"?
It's not like the new guy is even remotely attractive, so it doesn't seem to be a looks thing.

She was probably lonely and he makes her feel better. He's probably nice and easy to be around. Girls don't choose based on looks. There has to be an attraction, but it's often more about how a guy treats her.

Ignorance is bliss my man! NC is your ignorance, and healing while doing it is bliss (not having to hear about her life).

So today I was talking to her and I brought up how we should not speak because I just can't handle the situation and I'm not as strong as I think I am. I said a few other things like wishing her good luck with life, etc.

She seemed to get mad, and said that maybe at some point in the future we could be friends... I responded by saying I don't think I'd ever be able to be her friend.

You need to stop comparing yourself to the other guy. It's not about competing with someone else. It's about her not wanting to continue a relationship with YOU. You need come to terms with the fact that her feelings have changed.

We're not saying that you can't be friends. But right now, the reason you want to be friends is because you still have false hope that you can work it out. So you want to stick around her life hoping that she will change her mind.

We're telling you that you need to go NC so that you can HEAL from the breakup. You're obviously hurting a lot right now, so your decision-making is biased. Get some distance from her so that you can gain some perspective. That way, you will be calmer and more objective about the situation.

It definitely takes the death of hope to let someone go. It's one of the hardest things to do, but it seems to be true that everything gets easier afterwards.