I live with my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years, the issue I am and have been having with my spouse is his secretive behaviour online. He has many many female friends online and says that is all they are, friends. That he talks to them and that they have gotten him through some dark times over the last four years. The problem I have is that he (until very recently, and only after many arguments) indicates that he is in a relationship. When we have argued in the past he has made a point to block me from his friends list and deletes all pictures of us together on his profile.

I have also seen emails he has exchanged with some of his female friends (although he now tends to delete his replies) that indicate that he is portraying himself as being in a relationship that he is not happy in (or not in one at all) or that he is unsure if his relationship will work out. When I talk to him about our relationship he tells me that he loves me very much and I am everything he wants. But I feel that his behaviour (which is denied at all times) indicates that he is still waiting and looking for something better to come along. All the correspondence (or parts thereof that I have seen) imply that he is not in a serious or committed relationship or that the relationship is falling apart. When I have actually confronted him with seeing this type of correspondence, he blows up and is very angry that I check up on him and denies any wrong doing. He flirts and makes comments on photos of women, telling them they are very beautiful etc. Is this possibly someone who needs the reassurance of his attractiveness to women and that's as far as it will go? I find it difficult to find a solution when he admits to nothing. He is secretive and constantly changes passwords and access to ensure I don't see his emails or profiles.

I am very close with his family (especially his mother) who insists that he adores me, and he mostly always says and does the right things and what is expected of a very committed partner, but I always feel as though I only actually have half of him emotionally and that he is waiting and looking for something more.

Any thoughts on this are appreciated.

Not sure what I should do.

I dated a similar guy. It didn't work out, because I would get jealous over his internet flirtation.

This guy sounds very emotionally immature-plus wanting his cake and eating it! Quite frankly if this was my 'relationship' l would move on. Lf my man wants to deny me and our relationship then so be it-there would be no relationship to deny! Think of yourself before his behaviour eats at yourself esteem

Honestly there are a lot of red flags here.

If it was all as innocent as he makes out,why did he get angry when you confronted him... he did the old switcher- roo,and put up the defence that you were snooping.

Do you think his behaviour is acceptable?

For me, id walk away.

He's lying and hiding things.

With all these problems he had,why did he feel he could not talk to you?

Yes, I feel that he does play the "the best defence is a good offence" card with me always, trying to switch the focus onto me. I do not like his behaviour or accept it as being appropriate.

I was not in the picture back when he talked to all his female friends that "got him through his really darkest times"

I don't believe he would take any of this to a physical level, but I do feel that anything on an emotional level, received outside of your relationship is a form of betrayal, whatever the reasons, be it only reassurance for his ego or otherwise.

Am I off base here?

If his heart is not in the relationship, then it doesn't matter how many girls he talks to.

Why don't you talk to him to see how committed he is to you. If you're not satisfied with the answer, then it's time for you to leave.

Don't stay in a relationship where the other person isn't as committed as you would like.

That is a big part of my indecision... he tells me that I am all that he is looking for and wants me by his side, but his actions speak differently I think. His behaviour is not appropriate in my eyes, but maybe I am wrong on this?

For me,there is a line that should not be crossed in a relationship... and that line is,if your looking else where for your kicks,that's fine,but I won't be hanging around.

How would he feel if you walked away?

Is this how you envisage your future with him?

As you say yourself-his actions speak differently-judging by his actions,should you be with him?

It would hurt me tremendously if he were to walk away, but I also know that I do not want somebody who doesn't want me. The reason he walked away may also have some bearing on how I would feel or what I would do.

At the moment (and until I see changes) I am seeing my future with him as being this way, and is why I am having doubts about our relationship working. (For me at least).

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Originally Posted by amicon

As you say yourself-his actions speak differently-judging by his actions,should you be with him?

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This is exactly what I am trying to figure out. Are these actions truly a betrayal of my trust and of our relationship? Or are they the actions of a man who has had his own hurts and carries his own baggage looking to reassure himself that he is attractive and worthy?

Either way, I do not feel that I will ever be willing to accept this type of thing and am having problems breaking through his denials to attempt to repair this breach between us. "You can't fix something that you're not willing to admit is broken."

The man has had some HUGE hurts in his life, the main one relating to his biological father leaving his mother when he was 3, with her best friend, then totally ignoring him until he was 16. He has somewhat of a protective wall around him, I believe, that is due to this abandonment, and is really very sensitive and does not have the greatest sense of self worth.

He is a very wonderful man, in most ways and a wonderful father to his children and family. So I will not try to portray him in a totally negative way. As I always tell myself, he really does say and do the right things most of the time, but this behaviour still bothers me and can't seem to discuss it with him. We can't fix something that he won't admit to doing and I really do think that for me to continue in this relationship that it needs to be "fixed" if that's possible.

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But this behavior still bothers me and can't seem to discuss it with him. We can't fix something that he won't admit to doing and I really do think that for me to continue in this relationship that it needs to be "fixed" if that's possible.

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If it doesn't get fixed then you will walk away, and maybe you should just on the fact that you cannot honestly communicate.

He has no wish to reassure you when he acts suspicious, that in itself will make you doubt his honesty. Just the mistrust that will come from suspicious behavior will ruin ANY relationship if your nor working together.

Maybe life without you can rattle his cage, since words seem to have failed.

I, like you, would certainly not accept this behavior very long.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

He has no wish to reassure you when he acts suspicious, that in itself will make you doubt his honesty. Just the mistrust that will come from suspicious behavior will ruin ANY relationship if your nor working together.

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This is exactly how I feel, but he gets angry and defensive rather than exhibiting the patience and tolerance that I believe we should have for someone that we love, and wanting to NOT see our loved ones hurting because of our actions. Though I do not feel that I am a needy individual, he tends to see any need for reassurance on specific issues, as being insecure, and my problem alone that he can not help with. I just end up feeling humiliated and unsupported.

Take a break!! Guys go dishing when they get overwhelmed, what do girls do to recharge, and regroup.?