I live in California.

My child's biological father and I were dating but we separated when he was 1. Since then I have gotten engaged and my child is now 4. The man that I am with is his "daddy"

That's the background. Now my question.

I have been to court 5 times, each time because the biological father is not following the visitation. I have 95% custody. It requires he picks my son up for three hours each Sunday. Each time we have gone to court the judge gives him another chance and we change the days and times and he doesn't show. We have been through this numerous times. No phone calls. Nothing. The last time we went to court was July 28, but at the beginning of October I went back and filed because he has not shown up. This is going to be the 6th time going to court because he is not following the order. Its been an endless cycle for me. He has the nerve to show up at the court however and agrees to do whatever the judge says and then nothing. It seems like there is absolutely nothing I can do. I am trying to get full legal and full physical custody. Any advice for me?

You can't force someone to visit. It is his right and if he chooses not to use his right then you can't force it. However, if you are trying to get his visitation taken away because he isn't using it anyway then you will need proof of all of the unkept visitations. You should also look into getting a lawyer because the side with the lawyers generally comes out better.

I am surprised a court even entertained a hearing over NOT exercising visitation. As stin said, you can't force him to.

So what are you really after?

I have to ask. Have you informed the courts that you have already replaced this daddy ?

It sounds like there is way too much tension going on right now.

I want his visitations taken away. It is not only a waste of my time but my families as well. We cannot plan any weekends because I have to set aside sundays, so if he does show up, I have to be there. I have attempted to get his privileges revoked but each time he he shows up to court and says he will show and the judge grants him a new order.

There is no tension because he is not around. I want to move onward with my life and have nothing to with him, but I do not want to have any open ends either. Either he has visitation and he uses it or I take everything away. I just don't want him showing up randomly once a year to use his visitation.

Make sense?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cgonz183

I want his visitations taken away. it is not only a waste of my time but my families as well. We cannot plan any weekends because I have to set aside sundays, so if he does show up, i have to be there. I have attempted to get his privileges revoked but each time he he shows up to court and says he will show and the judge grants him a new order.

There is no tension because he is not around. I want to move onward with my life and have nothing to with him, but I do not want to have any open ends either. Either he has visitation and he uses it or i take everything away. I just dont want him showing up randomly once a year to use his visitation.

Make sense?

---

As far as making sense to me its not my call to make its your life. But what I see is a person that is focused on self and not on the child. In most of your statements it sounds like your looking at the father as a problem rather then a solution so your daughter can grow up with a dad in her life. Before the dust even settled you " moved on " and didn't complete the situation you were already involved in. Now its coming back to haunt you. It sounds extremely excessive to use the courts to punish him. Until such a time as you marry and your partner adopts then that man is tied to the child for life. You are limited in what you can do. So again its not up to me to make sense of it. And if you really think there is no tension to your situation.. how do you think you would feel with your child calling someone else mommy ?

Sorry, just because he does not visit, they will not "take" his visits away, and even if reduced, he can almost always go back to ask for more visits latter.

You are wasting your time and money doing this.

I would say it is time to stop fighting with the ex in what it appears to be using the child as a weapon.

So he does not show up, so what, go on with life, the child will know his father did not show up.

And it may not sound fair or right but this is court and this is just how itnormally works

I agree with the others. You are wasting your time and energy, not to mention money. You can't force him to visit and you don't let enough time go by before going back to court again. Until you are married you can't petition for an adoption either so for right now you should get your life straightened out as far as you can with out the added tension of going to court every few months. If he dosen't visit that is up to him as said your child will know that his dad didn't come see him and will eventually be an adult and can then decide for himself if he wants contact with his dad if his dad comes around.

I actually view this a different way. A lot depends here on what you are telling the judge. Have you gone to the judge and said something to the effect of:

Your honor, I understand ex has the right to visit his child and I'm willing to give him those rights if he will exercise them. But as it stands now, my child waits for daddy to show up and he never does. So what I'm asking is for you to revise the schedule to reduce the number of visits. Instead of every Sunday, make it one or two Sundays a month. If he starts adhering to the schedule, we can then look to increase it. But the way things are now, my child is being disappointed week after week. It also means that we can't engage in weekend activities to be prepared if my ex shows up.

During the last x months he has missed x number of visits. To continue to require us to be prepared if he shows is unfair to my son, its unfair to me and its unfair to my family.

If you take that tact, you may get somewhere.

ScottGem-

That is exactly what has been said. I WANT my child to know his biological father, but I am constantly tired of getting my son ready for "father" and he does not show up. It is heartbreaking. It is not about using anything as a weapon. My Fiancé and myself have been together for 3 years now, we have a very stable life with my son. I either want his biological father to become a stable person in his life or disappear altogether. Its frustrating when he shows up to the court hearings to say "Um i will pick him up FOR REAL now" and he does not show. Because if he is not going to show up, I want full physical and legal custody. I do not like leaving my ends undone. It went from two whole days a week, then to one day a week, then I switched it to whatever day he wanted, then whatever time he wanted, and every single time I'm left hanging.

It feel it is a pride thing for him. He gave up his paternal rights of 3 of the other kids he had but with my kid, it feels like its a constant battle for nothing becas

You can't be a father sometimes.

That's my problem with this whole situation. I don't want it to become "some random guy picking him up once a year".

Its either you are or you are not.

Saddly, this is the way it is with many, many, children now. You can't have it just one way or another sometimes. Life isn't black and white like that. This will come off as harsh but you chose to lay down with this man knowing that no matter what procotions you take a baby is always a possibility. You also knew (or maybe you slept with him before you knew him I don't know) that he had three other children so he already had a history of not being with the children that he helps make. I'm sorry but he is the father and until you are married for whatever amount of time your state requires to petition for adoption he is still the father and will have rights especially if he shows up in court for them.

Thank you all for your input.

It is greatly appreciated and I hope God blesses all of you.