Ask Me Help Desk - No intimacy in my marriage

I have been married for close to 17 years. I am 47 and my husband is 3 and half years yonger than myself. We have 2 wonderful girls who are 16 and 13. Before I start, let me just say my husband is not gay nor is he having an affair (trust me I have checked). There has been no extra marrital affairs outside our marriage. With that said...

My husband is not loving, nor affectionate to me in anyway. He is not the least bit interested in sex. Even when I try to intiate anything (sex, touching him, kiss him or anything intimate in anyway) he either ignores me, turns away or turns me down. This has been going on for years. But actually has gotten much worse. I think we have had sex maybe 3 times in the last 3-4 years and its always me that intiates it. I have told him for years that I am lonely. I am dying for any type of affection from him, but literally have exhausted all means. What makes it worse, is when I do talk to him about it, he acts like he could care less about my wants or needs. I take great care of myself and men tell me all the time how attractive I am. I work hard at looking nice and taking extra care to be esp. attentive and show that I am happy to be with him and even try flirting. Again, nothing seems to ever work.

I know that he is not totally void of affection, because he is very affectionate with my girls. He kisses them, hugs them... etc. But then when it comes to me, zilch. He has told me lately (in one of my many talks) that he has never been fond of touching people or people touching him. He tells me he just tolerates it with me, when I try to put my hand on his leg or something. I can try to snuggle next to him on the couch, and I can tell he will not reciporcate. If I ask him for a kiss or a hug, he gives me a fake one. Like its killing him with no sincereity behind it at all.

I am dying inside. I have told him and he knows I am on the verge of making some sort of change. But still... never a change in him. I am scared that when my girls are gone, that I will be even more lonely than I am now, if that is possible at all. My husband is a good provider and wonderful dad and he acknowledges the fact that he isn't a very good husband to me when it comes to this. But that is as far as it goes. I am so torn inside. I am a very loyal person, but honestly now I wonder if I should leave to have that second chance with someone else who can give me what I want or need. I fight the tears back everyday... help!

Has he seen a Physician? Does he have a problem with his general health, a specific health issues, depression?

I would start there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Has he seen a Physician? Does he have a problem with his general health, a specific health issues, depression?
I would start there.

Yes he is fine! No major issues and depression is not an issue

Wow - then I have no advice at all. I can't imagine living like you are, I really can't.

Is your husband at all concerned/worried about the lack of initimacy?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Wow - then I have no advice at all. I can't imagine living like you are, I really can't.

Is your husband at all concerned/worried about the lack of initimacy?

No, he doesn't seem to be, at all. It is beyond frustrating and yes Judy, I am literally dying inside. Everyday is difficult and I can't help but to start doubting myself worth. I have been married so long, that I am truly scared of striking out on my own and seem to keep putting it off.

Thanks for your reply though! Just wondering what others would do in my place!

Have you tried couples counselling? They might be able to refer you to a specialist.

Have your girls to your sidefirst ,tell them that you re leaving their dad,you don't want to end up losing the three of them.Have divorce on the spot,have your chance and have sex everyday,kisses hugs and everything, fair enough what you ve done.

It is an issue that you will both regret, if you don't tackle it now. To go on this way for so long, has become the status quo. This requires a big change in him to find a loving side, and a healthy sexual relationship with you, which you have every reason to expect.

Judy suggested a Doctor, and I agree. He needs to be physically checked out. He may be putting up a false front if he has erectile difficulties, or is self-conscious or feeling pressured to have sex, when he knows he cannot perform.

There may be underlying problems too. Is he a workaholic? Is he putting in long days and extra hours? Has he ever had a problem with alcohol or drugs?

When the desire goes, there is a reason for it. It is not a healthy man you are dealing with, when the intimacy isn't there naturally. That is a huge chunk of married life that he chooses not to address, and I don't buy for a second that he realizes that it is a problem. He's just hoping it will go away. And of course, it won't.

Address this with him in a calm way. Tell him that it is really important that the two of you get to the bottom of this. Be willing to accept what he tells you, because it may not be what you want to hear. See if opening up some conversation might not steer him in the direction of the Doctors office.

I think it would be a terrible life to live with a man you love, and he doesn't love you back.

What your husband is saying is that he is not prepared to make the effort - either to meet your needs, or even to understand why he is like this. Perhaps he thinks it will go away?

It's interesting that he is affectionate with your daughters, but not with you. Do you think that he actually loves you, or that he just stays because it's easier than leaving?

I agree that it would be useful to see a doctor, have the hormone levels checked, etc.

But. And it's a big but. What I see is that this is a pattern that has persisted for 17 years. Clearly it doesn't distress him and he's not worried that you're distressed. This is the part that worries me. He's not concerned about you. He's not concerned about what you're feeling.

Time to up the ante I reckon. Tell him that it's a deal breaker for you. Appointments with doctors and counselors are a must. His response will tell you what you want to know, and if he agrees to see them you will be in a better position to make a decision for yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by callielaw

No, he doesnt seem to be, at all. It is beyond frustrating and yes Judy, I am literally dying inside. Everyday is difficult and I can't help but to start doubting my self worth. I have been married so long, that I am truely scared of striking out on my own and seem to keep putting it off.

Thanks for your reply tho! Just wondering what others would do in my place!

I would get my thoughts in order and tell him exactly how I feel. I wouldn't be confrontational but I would be sure he understood what I was saying.

It's entirely possible the marriage is dead for whatever reason; it's also possible that it is not.

Only you know how much time and effort you want to put forth in a continuing attempt to get some affection from your husband.

I know all about being married and being afraid to be out there on your own - it's a big, scary world full of couples. On the other hand, you are still young enough to pick up your life and go on if that is your decision. Believe me, you're a lot stronger than you think you are.

I think your both going through the change. When fears, and insecurities are heightened, and your thinking changes, and you realize that time has really gotten away from you. These are times your so wrapped up in your own thinking, you probably miss things you use to notice, and handle in much better ways.

I also think the age of your kids has affected you, as it is getting obvious the nest will soon be empty, of needy dependent kids, that always distracted you from everything else.

Not unusual at all that your going through a phase, that takes a lot of adjustments, and that start with vitamins and keep close watch on your health.

Trust me, look deeper into yourself, and your routine, and don't be so dependent on a husband who is probably thinking more about his own stresses, than yours.

It is strange for a normal healthy male, without any physical limitations such as erectile difficulties, or depression, to go for years without sex more than 3 or 4 times in 7 years.

You didn't answer the question I had posted earlier, which was, is he a workaholic? Does he spend long hours outside the home?

He could be gay, let's face it. It's possible. He could also have been having an affair for years, and that is possible too. Maybe he has a darker side you don't know about, and has a life outside the home with escort services. Maybe he has some sort of addiction.

You have checked to see if he's having an affair you said, but, if he has something on the side that has been going on for years, you may simply not be skilled enough to track it down.

It would be nice to know what he's up to, so that you have a 'cause' for him behaving in such an abnormal way. But, it is also possible that you may never become aware of what the real reasons are. And even if you did, it doesn't sound like he is interested in changing, or he would have at some point over all these years.

After all this time, all you can deal with is what you have. I agree that it is not easy to leave and start over, but I don't see that you have any other choice. Do you really want to put in another 17 years of no intimacy?

I find it odd that he isn't responding to you in any loving or sexual manner when you initiate sex or physical contact in any way. Most guys don't refuse sex and most guys respond with a hug or a kiss. Statistics say after childbirth "usually" and I am just saying "usually" it is the woman that isn't interested because of the body changes and lack of self esteem... having sex in the dark... etc. But for a man to reject sex is a concern and there being no medical/mental/physical or possibly psychological issues... not sure what to say. What happened 17 years ago?

You said that he isn't having an affair and that he isn't gay. You have ruled out those possibilities and are absolutely positive that those issues are not concerns... so I won't go there – but I honestly would take another “check into it”. For you to tell him how you feel and he responds as if it is not a problem raises some other serious concerns. You can look sexy, be a great wife and mother but something is missing and it isn't anything to do with you. He doesn't say "I love you" doesn't give you a few small kisses a day, show you ANY affection then it isn't just a sexless marriage... but a loveless one - sex is sex but your missing the most important thing... your best friend; someone you plan to live the rest of your life with, dream dreams together and build your dreams and future aspirations together into a reality. There is a major lack of communication. You can tell him anything you want to but it isn't getting through…sadly, the more pressure you apply – the more distant he will grow. You could seek marriage counseling but it sounds like he won't actively participate…he has not made any effort this far and in all probability won't in the future. It isn't a bad idea for you to go counseling…to deal with some of these issues and regain confidence…to make the right future decisions. I also have heard that some guys don't show their affection - but they do in other ways like fixing things around the house, helping you out with household duties, participating in family events, being a great dad and mostly providing for the family (which you say he does). Is this responsibility and obligation though? Usually if a man starts to become emotionally or verbally distant in the marriage or family it is a sign that he may just be staying in the marriage.

One thing that rings a huge alarm for me is you said he said that he TOLERATES you touching him... this is a horrid statement and no one should ever say that especially your partner. If he hates people touching him is it possible he was molested or sexually assaulted in any way... maybe as a child? Was he like this through the duration of your relationship? Something does not smell right. Is he waiting for the kids to leave... or is he just staying married so that he isn't alone? You said he acknowledges he isn't the best husband but does nothing. This is horrible and I have no idea why you have allowed so much time to pass... he may be thinking that you won't do anything about it since it has been 17 years and still you are standing right next to him... enduring it. It sounds like you're a great person…there is nothing wrong with you and you give love and thus deserve to be loved…you married Mr. Wrong. Are you going to continue to endure it and make the best of it…meaning try every option to save the marriage? Doctor, counselor, going on dates again (rediscovering your husband and yourself) (Note: try to keep your kids out of the conversation – keep the focus on you two again), maybe a trip, you can't fix your marriage by yourself…it takes two to make things work…it isn't 50/50 or 100/50 (as in your situation) but 100/100 from each partner. If your husband is not willing to make things better and mostly – desire to make you happy then you need to get out before you get too old to care…you shouldn't live miserable or in pain. This situation is affecting/disrupting your life in every aspect now; you know something has to be done.

Take the step to talk to him again and see if he wants to be in the marriage or what he feels about the marriage and what he envisions “his” ideal future to be like. I know I said that you shouldn't apply pressure but if you make various appointments to try to salvage your marriage then it is pressure regardless…so, talk, set up appointments “together” and attend. If he drops out; you have your answer…divorce him (as a last resort... since it sounds like you really want to make things work - just don't be hauling all the weight on your shoulders or do all the work yourself) and move on…since you're so beautiful (in every way) I am sure you won't have a problem finding Mr. Right. It is your choice if you continue to stay in the relationship even if there is no progress and no one can judge you for that; but if you make that decision then you will have to live with it and accept your circumstances and marriage as it is.

Callielaw - it looks like yours and mine situation is exactly - 100% alike. The only difference is that I am a husband - even ages are almost the same...

I have given-up from my side and wish someday situation will get better... not sure if I can live only on a "WISH" for the rest of my life...

Can someone help both of us...

Planet 52, and Callielaw,

What happens when you talk about this to your respective partners. They shut you out, or shut you down. Either way, you are missing the most obvious benefit of being married, and that is intimacy, an emotional connection, and a partnership.

Without the basics, it seems to me like your spouses are robots. Going through the motions in all other departments, but a switch goes off when it comes to really connecting with you, and the hardwiring is just not working properly.

All I can say is life is too short to go without being loved, and loving someone in return. So many years have passed, and time will continue to march on, whether you take a slice of life, or you don't.

What you ultimately decide to do, stay or go, is up to you. But, speaking for myself, I'd rather be single and happy, than married and miserable. Especially knowing that married life is not likely to change.

The solutions for you both, is within you, not around you. You have chosen to see the worst in your situations, and not the best, but that's typical of people of our age, that have fallen into a dependent rut. What was tolerable before is so damn irritating now, the things you never thought would bother you have become larger than they were, the things you settled for before, are becoming unacceptable now.

Relax. Its normal as your seeing yourself, and your world differently, and your recognizing the need for you to change, and your unsure as to the how.

Whats worse what if your spouse is feeling the same thing? Of course you wouldn't know, because you are only feeling what you feel, and trust me, your thinking only of yourself now. That's fine, but in any relationship, you can never overlook your partners feelings, because that's what's at the bottom of the disconnect in the first place.

The old ways of coping are gone, and you have to regroup, and come up with new ways of handling your situation. My suggestion, is to look around and figure how your going to redefine yourself and have a real plan to reconnect, with your partners who more than likely feel the same way. They are reevaluating themselves as well. Do for yourself, and give them the same time, and space, that you need.

If you see this as an insurmountable mountain, you will not have a goal, or a reasonable plan how to move forward, but if you see this as a new start, you can talk to your spouse in an honest way, and plan together the next leg of your journey, and maybe you'll be surprised at how they feel and want to proceed.

It always come down to the level of communications, and willingness to work together, and that's where you start. If your life has been unhappy this long, find out why, and how to change it. That starts with you though, not your partner.

So be realistic about yourself, and your needs, and be honest with yourself as to why you stayed in the first place.

Its very seldom one thing we want that makes us happy, but a life full of things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by callielaw

I have been married for close to 17 years. I am 47 and my husband is 3 and half years yonger than myself. We have 2 wonderful girls who are 16 and 13. Before I start, let me just say my husband is not gay nor is he having an affair (trust me I have checked). There has been no extra marrital affairs outside our marriage. With that said..........

My husband is not loving, nor affectionate to me in anyway. He is not the least bit interested in sex. Even when I try to intiate anything (sex, touching him, kiss him or anything intimate in anyway) he either ignores me, turns away or turns me down. This has been going on for years. But actually has gotten much worse. I think we have had sex maybe 3 times in the last 3-4 years and its always me that intiates it. I have told him for years that I am lonely. I am dying for any type of affection from him, but literally have exhausted all means. What makes it worse, is when I do talk to him about it, he acts like he could care less about my wants or needs. I take great care of myself and men tell me all the time how attractive I am. I work hard at looking nice and taking extra care to be esp. attentive and show that I am happy to be with him and even try flirting. Again, nothing seems to ever work.

I know that he is not totally void of affection, because he is very affectionate with my girls. He kisses them, hugs them...etc. But then when it comes to me, zilch. He has told me lately (in one of my many talks) that he has never been fond of touching people or people touching him. He tells me he just tolerates it with me, when I try to put my hand on his leg or something. I can try to snuggle next to him on the couch, and I can tell he will not reciporcate. If I ask him for a kiss or a hug, he gives me a fake one. Like its killing him with no sincereity behind it at all.

I am dying inside. I have told him and he knows I am on the verge of making some sort of change. But still...never a change in him. I am scared that when my girls are gone, that I will be even more lonely than I am now, if that is possible at all. My husband is a good provider and wonderful dad and he acknowledges the fact that he isnt a very good husband to me when it comes to this. But that is as far as it goes. I am so torn inside. I am a very loyal person, but honestly now I wonder if I should leave to have that second chance with someone else who can give me what I want or need. I fight the tears back everyday..............help!

First, I would like to say that I truly feel for you. I wish I could give you a hug.

A loveless marriage is merely a business union, and the act of "co-parenting".

I have a few questions for you if I can.

How was he when you first met? What about him made you fall for him?

Was he loving and affectionate back then? How was the sex?

I can't imagine having sex only once a year, not going to happen. That you know of, does he masturbate? If so, a lot? Does he look at pornography? If so, a lot?

Does he have a cold attitude around the house? I know you said that he was totally different with the girls, but does he REALLY get involved with their lives?

Does he have friends, or is he a recluse?

This is truly a tough one. If he is not going to give the EFFORT involved in making this marriage work, going to therapy, couples, and individual, I can't see any other reason to stick around. I know that sounds harsh. But I want you to think about this.

Life is short. I'm in my forties ( late forties), and I know this. I have regrets as most do. But I can't go back in time and make THOSE changes. But we can do something about the present. We only have so long on GOD's Earth, and that's a fact. You've mentioned at least twice that you are dying inside. The fact is you are. A little bit everyday. Hell, any one of us here would. He TOLERATES touching you?

I know leaving him will be one of the most difficult decisions in your life. Especially having children. But they will survive. So will you.

Do you want to be 70 years old, and be full of regrets? With an even colder, hollower, old man?

Go find the love and affection that you crave, that you deserve.

You have touched my heart. GOD bless you.

callielaw-I totally understand and feel your frustration (and more). I have only been married a year now and my husband is already doing similar things. I apologize I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know I totally know what you are going through...

Quote:

Originally Posted by winnie1995

callielaw-I totally understand and feel your frustration (and more). I have only been married a year now and my husband is already doing similar things. I apologize I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know I totally know what you are going through...

Does the lack of intimacy in your marriage have anything to do with your unresolved feelings for your ex-boyfriend? I don't think you and the OP are in the same situation.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ml#post2112931

Judykaytee-no my lack of intimacy has nothing to do with my unresolved feelings of my ex-boyfriend. The lack of intimacy had started last year soon after we had gotten married. When I said I understood how callie feels I simply meant I can relate to her by her always having to initiate sex and being turned down, or rejected. I have many other issues that I have not yet written here on askmehelp.