My husband and I have been married over two years. We both came into the relationship with two children from previous marriages. My two children live with us and his two children live with his ex wife.
Over our first year of dating, I found out that my husband (bf at that time) never took his kids for the month in the summer, every other Thanksgiving or Christmas (all which were court ordered in their divorce decree). I had a hard time understand this, as my ex-husband and I always followed the court custody order for summers and holidays. As these events came up, and I would ask him why he didn’t take his kids. He told me tell me that his ex-wife made him promise (when they got divorced) that he would never make her follow the custody order. (Although she gladly takes that child support check every month) Instead, she had a very open door policy with my husband….he could come by anytime he wanted and spend time with his boys. Before my husband and I got serious, he was even eating dinner at their house a couple nights a week so that she could spend time with his boys (ex-wife’s new husband was there too). The ex-wife has accused me of being insecure and jealous because my husband doesn’t go over to their house anymore for dinner (note that I’m not invited….just him).
His ex-wife is a teacher so she is off all summer. He explained to me that he never took his kids in the summer because he had to work and saw no reason to put the kids in daycare or leave them with her all day just to see them for a couple of hours in the evening before bed and then make them get up early every morning and drop them off for the day. (Understandable)
Now for the holidays……My mother & law and my husband’s ex-wife are best friends so the family arrangements have been that the ex-wife and her new husband always have this huge Thanksgiving and Christmas at her house and the entire family (including my husband and his family & the ex-wife’s new husband’s family) have Thanksgiving together and they all sleep over on Christmas Eve at her house and then everyone wakes up in the morning, opens presents and cooks a huge breakfast together. I think it’s great that everyone gets along so well and they definitely made the best out of a bad situation (divorce).
The problem is this….. since my mother & law and the ex-wife are best friends, my mother & law confided in me and told me, from the very beginning, that the ex-wife didn’t like me. She constantly told me that my husband treated me better than he ever treated his ex-wife and that the ex-wife was jealous and can’t figure out what she did wrong….why wasn’t she worth his time when they were married? My mother in law kept telling me that the ex-wife is spoiled and that she just needs some time and she will get to know me and like me. My mother in law arranged a ‘girl-day for the 3 of us to go shopping and eat lunch. Honestly I didn’t want to do this….I could not think of anything more uncomfortable than spending the entire day trying to get my husband’s ex-wife to like me (or so that she could find reasons to hate me even further) but I agreed to go. The problem is that the ex-wife wouldn’t go and my mother & law had to tell me that she wouldn’t go. I wish my mother & law would have checked with her first, before even inviting me.
So my husband’s (bf at the time) and my first Thanksgiving together was awkward. He usually spent Thanksgiving at his ex-wife’s house, with everyone else. After almost a year of being hated by the ex-wife, I didn’t want to spend Thanksgiving at her house, so my mother & law held Thanksgiving at her house that year. My husband and I showed up with my two kids (preteen and teenager). My husband’s ex-wife and her new husband were sat directly across from me….I was very uncomfortable at Thanksgiving dinner (and so was she) but I put on a smiley face and got through it. That same year at Christmas I tried again. We didn’t spend the night at her house but we got up very early and watched my kids open their presents and then drove over to my husband’s ex-wife’s house and watched every single kid and adult open their presents. My mother in law gave me a present that I had to open in front of everyone….it was a matching potholder and kitchen towel set. I was kind of embarrassed to get such a cheap present in front of my husband’s ex-wife….. especially since I noticed that the ex-wife and mother in law didn’t exchange gifts that day. (I’m sure they exchanged more expensive gifts before I showed up.)
Then all the women went into the kitchen and made a huge breakfast while all the men put the toys together for the kids. His ex-wife didn’t speak to me. I just sat at the kitchen table watching everyone have a wonderful Christmas except for me and my kids. I offered to help with breakfast but was denied. We spent most of the day at her house and it was the most unhappy holiday that I’ve ever had. On the way home, my kids asked me if we were going to do this every year. I said, “No”. My teenage son said, “Good. I don’t want to start going over to their house every year because I like Christmas at our house.”
That evening I cried and cried and told my husband how horrible our first holiday season had been. He apologized over and over and told me how happy he was that I tried and that we will never spend another holiday with her again. The problem is that he won’t force his ex to follow the divorce decree. He wants to see his kids during the holidays but he wants to be with me and my kids. I told him that if he wants to be with his boys during the holidays that he can go and I will take my kids out of town to see my family during the holidays. I told him that I will never be responsible for him not spending time with his kids. He told me that will never spend a holiday without me. He suggested maybe just going over to see his boys on Christmas day, for a few hours, by himself. At this point, after not being welcomed into the family, I wasn’t going to let the ex-wife steal my husband from me on Christmas day. I started pressuring my husband to take his kids every other Christmas and Thanksgiving, per the court order. He told me that he is not going to follow the court order. Basically what he worked out with his ex-wife over the past two holidays is that, every other Thanksgiving, we get his kids at 10:00 Thanksgiving Day and drop them back off that evening. We don’t even have them for a full 24 hours. So every other year, he gets them one day during Thanksgiving break and she has them the rest of the time. Then on the opposite year, we don’t see them at all for Thanksgiving break.
For Christmas, every year, he picks them up at 10:00am Christmas morning and gets them for the 3 days following Christmas. Christmas is basically over at that point….she has them for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. We get them Christmas Day for Christmas Dinner.
There are so many things that have happened over the past few years that I am not even on speaking terms with the ex-wife or mother law. Since I have been pushing for separate holidays my mother & law is very upset with me. She feels that I am being immature and selfish. She told me that the holidays are all about the kids and I should put their needs first. What about my kids? They have their own traditions. They have been such a good sport about all of this. This isn’t a win-win for anyone involved.
The last time my husband’s ex-wife and I spoke was about 2 years ago and I haven’t spoke to my mother & law in over 5 months. Basically every time the ex-wife does something to control my husband or ruing our weekend with the kids, my mother & law defends her by telling me how spoiled she is and that it’s not her fault and I should be more understanding. I get tired of my mother & law defending her and talking about how wonderful she is, constantly. She has compared me to the ex-wife by eluding that the ex-wife is prettier than me and skinner than me. Mother & Law also claimed that she got food poisoning at my house on Father’s Day because I made my step son eat a cherry tomato in his salad. She has told me not to make the kids eat veggies because they don’t like them and life is too short to make them eat something that they don’t like.
Every time my husband asks any extra time with the kids, it’s a battle. She won’t let him have them unless he tells her what he is planning on doing with them. She has to approve everything first. All of these things cause me and my husband to fight.
My husband went over to the –ex-wife’s house last night to talk to her about getting his kids for 3 of the 5 Thanksgiving break days this year (since it’s our year) and he came home with nothing. Basically they can spend the night with us Thursday night but we have to bring them back in the morning. The only reason she is letting them spend the night is because we were scheduled to have professional pictures taken the morning after Thanksgiving. I was livid that he, yet again, had to justify why he wanted his kids on his court ordered Thanksgiving break and then she only gave us a few extra hours?
I was livid last night when he came home and another fight broke out. He told me last night that he and his ex-wife make decisions for their kids and it’s not my business. I am so hurt and upset that I don’t even want to spend the holidays with him this year. Please give me some good advice because right now I am at the end of my rope. Am I just completely unreasonable and selfish? Help me see the light please.

Time to return to court and file a Rule to Show Cause.

You aren't going to amicably come to an agreement. Return to court and have the rights enforced that are on paper.

And your husband needs to stand up to both his mother and his ex-wife for you. This isn't your battle, it's his.

But my ex says that he won't follow the court order. I think he is living out of guilt because he was the one that wanted out of the marriage and he left her, broken hearted. I just don't know how to deal with all of this. He says it's easier to give her what she wants than fight with her. I know that, as a step parent, I have no rights.
By the way, I cancelled our family pics for the day after Thanksgiving. I just told my husband that he can drop his kids off Thanksgiving evening if he wants to. I am about to give up on this darn marriage, all over the holidays. The holidays have been a nightmare since we met. I am thinking of flying my kids out of town with me for Thanksgiving but I know he will be mad if I make plans without him... but isn't he making plans without me?

As mean as this is going to sound, you married him knowing he didn't follow the divorce decree so you knew the game before you jumped in the active roster. It's harsh, I know but now you know and you can chose a few options.

1. Tell him he either man up's or you're gone
2. Tell him to tell his ex to follow the court order
3. Deal with it
4. Leave

I am in your situation sort of. My fiancé has 2 kids with her ex husband and him and his new girlfriend are trying to force me to break bread with him. It's not going to happen, too much happened. I told my fiancé this at the very start, I won't be friends with this guy or do joint anything, I can't stand to be around him. She understood this and also felt the same way. You need to tell him how it is or you need to let him go.

Actually before we were married I told him that I didn't like their arrangement at all. He told me that he would change it but it would take time and that he couldn't do it all in one year. He has made changes but not what I was expecting. When I push the issue, he says I have no confidence in him and that I don't him any credit for what he has done. This isn't normal!

Well now it's time to bring payment for the rainchecks he's left. It's time he decides on what he wants to do

I have an ex that was inactive in my child's life until his current wife forced him to start overinvolving himself, wanting for her new family to be whole.

As a custodial parent, the more you push this issue with a half active father, the more the kids are going to pay the price. If he, as the father doesn't want to enforce his rights and she as the custodial parent doesn't want to give up the additional rights that she has had, why not focus on the family you do have, you, your husband and your children.

You are trying for a battle that no one wants to be in, if you feel so strongly that he needs to be a more active parent then he is, you need to make the choice about your relationship and what you can handle.

Weigh out the good/bad here and figure out the importance of pushing this battle on all parties or just accepting the situation you have. There isn't anything that requires you and the ex to be friends. If the situation was working for your husband previously, he has to be the one to determine that it is not working now.

To be perfectly honest, I think that you need to butt out of all the arrangements. Let him deal with his Ex and his mother the way he wants to. Why do you want to be involved in all this palaver?

His arrangements with his ex wife are exactly that - HIS arrangements. You may not agree with them but you need to accept that this is how he wants to do it and to stop being so controlling. He is right and you are wrong.

You're focusing too much on you and your feelings in all of this. Why don't you just create a nice life for yourself and your husband and let him do what he wants with his kids. Stop competing with the Ex. Stop allowing her to control your responses. Stop taking the MIL's comments to heart. Accept that you can never compete with the Ex and his kids as far as MIL is concerned.

You can be in control of your attitude, and if you don't back down you'll drive a wedge between yourself and your husband.

In the end adherence to the court order is not important. It's how you respond that's important. The more you push and complain about not having his kids the more the Ex will resist. I would suggest that you all back off, believe me I know from experience, once you feign disinterest and the ex wants some time to herself the kids will be over at your place in the blink of an eyelid!

Chill. Is it worth breaking your marriage over?

I think your being unfair to get between your b/f and his ex, because weird as it is to you, its none of your business. It works for them and you should leave him and his family alone to be happy on their own.

I think the main reason he even is considering your side is to keep peace with you, as he does his wife, and family. You really are putting him in some very unfair positions.

Build your own happiness around your family you have there between you and leave his alone before it gets messy and all the kids will suffer.

talaniman - He is not my b/f... he is my husband. She is his ex-wife and not his wife.

After reading your posts I have decided to leave him and his kids alone. I will make my own plans with my kids and he is welcome to come along or go see his kids. Thanks for the advice.

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Originally Posted by sagisun1969

After reading your posts I have decided to leave him and his kids alone. I will make my own plans with my kids and he is welcome to come along or go see his kids. Thanks for the advice.

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Hope it helped! Sometimes it's best to let go and let your partner choose. Just don't be too cross with him if he doesn't choose what you want!

I don't think these arrangements are fair to you at all.

And I do believe that the only way to make things palatable are for him to follow the court orders, and when his ex doesn't agree, then take her to court. They were negotiated for a reason, and at the time they agreed upon this, it was fair to both parties, and the children. The arrangements you described are what typically happens, and are in place to avoid the problems that you are having now.

When your husband and his ex decided not to follow them, and instead allow his mother and his ex to control the holidays, at your expense, clearly all that has happened shows the 'modified' arrangements no longer work, since he is married to you, and you and your chidren do not fit in to the modified plans.

It DOES involve you, your children, and your marriage. You are not chopped liver here, and you have every reason to expect these cosy arrangements with his ex to stop. That the ex is so close with the mother is also weird to me. I don't think she should be sticking her nose in there at all.

And what is so wrong with enforcing the original court order. Everybody will be on the same page, ALL the children will know what to expect, and nobody loses. What's the big deal.

I think that your husband has too close a relationship with his mother, and her influence, and, he should not be buckling under the pressure of her, and his ex. Court orders are in place to allow for amicable arrangements during holidays.

You are married to him now. You have no problem with his children in your home, and have every right to expect him to make the changes he promised. Why he isn't stepping up is beyond me; if he doesn't enforce the rules, there will be no peace in either family.

I think it is important that you and your husband seek counselling. You are not being heard, he is not accepting the fact that he needs to make changes with his family and his ex, and these relationships all have to change if the marriage is going to last.

You indeed have a say. You have two children that consider him their step-father, and when he accepted that, he also has an obligation to them. None of you should be second fiddle to the ex wife, and your needs must be considered.

Jake2008... Wow... Thank you so much for your thoughts and opinions! You verabalized everything that I've been feeling. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now since I already told him last night that I wasn't going to bring this subject up anymore... I hate to go back on my word. Anyway, thanks again... your support means allot!

You are most welcome lol

I do not like the 'put up and shut up' discrimination toward step parents. It causes untold grief to the step parent, and any children brought into the marriage as well. These kids in particular should be accepted as part of the family, the whole family, and not excuded as second class citizens.

In a way, in your situation, your husband never severed ties with his ex wife, and never set down any ground rules with his mother. He's got two women pressuring him, and now a new wife with kids, which should be equally considered in all aspects.

I personally would never take second base to an ex wife, but, I would put his children as a top priority when they were in my care.

Hopefully, you will open up this topic with him again, and maybe even have some plans in place to cover Christmas. I understand why you wouldn't wish to attend their family gatherings. The only family gatherings should be in your own home, with your husband and your kids, and every other Christmas the kids are with his ex. Not to say visiting shouldn't occur during the holidays, but you know what I mean.

I think you really stood up and were gracious to attend the last gathering at the ex's house. The tag team of his mother and ex made sure to make you as uncomfortable as possible. Most likely they are so used to each other and their influence over your husband, that if you go again, it will be more of the same.

If you do get into counselling, I think that a good counsellor can mediate these problems, and some compromise will be agreed upon. But, as long as you stay silent, there will be no changes.

Good luck to you.

Well Talaniman, I agree with you. I've seen the advice of others and from the outside looking in, I would agree, however, being in a similar situation, I have budded out of my husbands business and let him handle arrangements as he sees fit, but the sticky thing is when he wants his (sister in my case) ((who he has custody of) to come over, he expects me to do all of this stuff for her and be a mother to her, but in any other situtation, he is like get out of his business, let him handle it. So, it's easy to say be confident and leave well enough alone, but eventually, you are expected to do and be something and you are supposed to jump and be the good wife and the bigger person. Well I really don't have any advice for you but pray. I would be insane if I didn't have the Lord to ease my mind with my in-law issues, because the next step is divorce court.

WOW!! Very Interesting situation of integrating a Step Family.

FACT:
The Big Family wants to be close to each other.
The Big Family is not including you and your kids.
The Family is You and Your Husband.
Everybody needs to get mature about the situation.


It is very do-able.
The Big Family needs to treat you as one of the family.
Somehow the EX needs to understand if she can't except you into the Big Family like a sister or a cousin... (even if it means faking it.. fake it till you make it and eventually the smiles will be real) it will cause a RIP in the Big Family scenario for everyone. You taking your husband and her kids once every other year away.

So the EX better be more mature and try her damn-est to include you and your kids. Not just a showy try... but the real deal of excepting you into the family for ONLY one or Two days of the year. Also, not your Mom-in-law fault, she just had more time to build a rapport and relationship with the EX and the grandkids is also key.




It is not that strange, I have seen it happen with my Father in law and Mother in law with their prospective spouses at my house Thanksgiving Day dinner. At first it was awkward, but at the end... it was a celebration of being Thankful to God. Even, between Brothers and Sisters have there awkward days with each other... but Family always come back together. We have a few Uncles and Aunts that are not talking to each other right now. It happens.

Your husband and EX had an ideal plan worked out and you knew it before your marriage. Don't cause a rift between you and your husband with some minor one day incident. Your Husband needs to be the one to talk to the EX and state the situation. If they want things to continue the way they are She Better start Welcoming you wholeheartedly as a Family member (somehow only woman feels the real thing or fake... haha.. men don't care) or pulling the Court Ordered card... in which it is much healthier for everybody to be included in a Big Family. I know it is not Normal for Step families coming together like this, but it is good.

BTW, I don't real think it is a Step family issue... it is just Big Family getting together issue. My kids went to a the Big Family function... everybody got big gifts and my kids were crying on the drive home feeling they weren't welcomed. This was relatives from my wife side, living in the same town... It got better as we go to more gatherings. Your kids were not harmed in anyway, but taught a valuable lesson of Family togetherness (when in the future they ever get into an adult argument with each other.) Family is Family even if there are differences.

God Bless and Good Luck...

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Originally Posted by sagisun1969

talaniman - He is not my b/f...he is my husband. She is his ex-wife and not his wife.

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I am so sick of this crap that the new wife has to sell her soul for the ex and kids. DIVORCE MEANS you are not married anymore, therefore you have no allegiance to them. If someone wants to remarry they better damn well be sure that their loyalty now lies with their WIFE. I am sure the children were hurt by the train reck that your husband and his loony ex cause way before you came in and you wanting to make a separate life with him is valid. I have some experience in this and I am tired of you have to give up every friggin ounce of your happiness and freedom for children that are not yours and for AN EX hello EX!! Yes you can love thos children to pieces but if they see you in and your husband in bondage to this what does it teach them about love and happiness? And your mother in law needs to enter belview with your ex and they can have a nice little life together. Your husband has to stop be led around by the balls, excuse my language, and start his life with you. Maybe he neeeds to see that he is going to lose you and then he can have a real nice track record to show. Yes to a degree you knew what u were getting involved with but a lot is hidden until u are married and see it everyday. Stand your ground and maybe he neeeds to pack his bas and go see what its like to live with his ex for a while, maybe then the amnesia will subside and he will see DIVORCED HER!!

I totally agree with sapphire1906 - My second (I am 64 he is 62) husband of 15 years has always jumped when he ex called. And have constantly struggled with the situation. OK for awhile and them pow... right back to where it was. (his children currently 36 and 28 each with little iones under 5 years of age grandchildren). Not so many problems with the 36 year old son, his wife has set her boundries on things a long time ago; but with the 28 yr old daughter and 1 yr old granddaughter who is currently living with her mother after breaking up with her loser boyfriend has placed more drama not only with us but the rest of the family. (By the way, I do get along well with his kids). After his ex remarried, the calls etc stopped, now that she is divorced again they have restarted because she has no one to fall to (she does have her family however), Nicole needs this, Nicole and the baby needs... he was even asked to go to the ex's house to babysit several afternoons a week while his daughter works (he is on disability and not working). I told him to bring his granddaughter here, but they want her to be in her own crib, etc. Now his sister is pressuring him to babysit there because she wants to tag along (she does not drive) and it is causing problems in our household yet again. I know there is nothing between them, he does not even like his ex, but I feel it inappropriate for him to go to his ex's to babysit, even if it is his granddaughter. We have a home too... where this can be done. However, he daughter does not want to make the extra trip or time to come to our place -- let Daddy do the running. He has told them that he is not doing it, but I can see him feeling bad about the decision and might be deciding to change his mind and do it. We have spend holidays with the ex at his son's house and all were adults and coped well, but now see they are expecting more. The story could go on and on, with so many more things that have happened, but I have decided to let him do what he wants and move on with my life. It may sound selfish and inmature but I have decided not to attend the birthday party at this ex's house for the 1 yr old. By the way, I was never asked - my husband mentioned to me they were having the party. Also, although asked, he never traveled out of state with me to attend my granddaughter's high school graduation, because he said he felt funny being there with my ex. Just seem like I have done all the giving in with regard to his family.

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Originally Posted by karolmk

I totally agree with sapphire1906 - My second (I am 64 he is 62) husband of 15 years has always jumped when he ex called. And have constantly struggled with the situation. OK for awhile and them pow... right back to where it was. (his children currently 36 and 28 each with little iones under 5 years of age grandchildren). Not so many problems with the 36 year old son, his wife has set her boundries on things a long time ago; but with the 28 yr old daughter and 1 yr old granddaughter who is currently living with her mother after breaking up with her loser boyfriend has placed more drama not only with us but the rest of the family. (By the way, I do get along well with his kids). After his ex remarried, the calls etc stopped, now that she is divorced again they have restarted because she has no one to fall to (she does have her family however), Nicole needs this, Nicole and the baby needs ........... he was even asked to go to the ex's house to babysit several afternoons a week while his daughter works (he is on disability and not working). I told him to bring his granddaughter here, but they want her to be in her own crib, etc. Now his sister is pressuring him to babysit there because she wants to tag along (she does not drive) and it is causing problems in our household yet again. I know there is nothing between them, he does not even like his ex, but I feel it inappropriate for him to go to his ex's to babysit, even if it is his granddaughter. We have a home too.....where this can be done. However, he daughter does not want to make the extra trip or time to come to our place -- let Daddy do the running. He has told them that he is not doing it, but I can see him feeling bad about the decision and might be deciding to change his mind and do it. We have spend holidays with the ex at his son's house and all were adults and coped well, but now see they are expecting more. The story could go on and on, with so many more things that have happened, but I have decided to let him do what he wants and move on with my life. It may sound selfish and inmature but I have decided not to attend the birthday party at this ex's house for the 1 yr old. By the way, I was never asked - my husband mentioned to me they were having the party. Also, although asked, he never traveled out of state with me to attend my granddaughter's high school graduation, because he said he felt funny being there with my ex. Just seem like I have done all the giving in with regard to his family.

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This is an old thread. If you would like to post your question please start a thread in the marriage forum.