I was seeing cathy for 2 years, until I noticed she never seemed romantic anymore, but she has always been there for me, though her constant questions about when we should marry made me distance myself from her, I think I was looking for someone exciting to marry when I was able to in a few years or a year, so I met this girl elina on Facebook, we had been online friends on another site but nothing serious, so when we met on Facebook,we chatted and got to know what was going on in each others' lives at the time, she was completing her BA studies and I was studying as I work. One thing lead to another she decided to come to my country & see me,we all knew we had feelings for each other but we wanted to be sure the person we are having feelings for was real. The first day we went out for drinks with a friend of mine & we drove her home afterwards, I gave her a peck & told her the following day would be for only the two of us, at the time I had told cathy that I needed some space, so that I could decide what was right.

Okay to cut the long story shot, everybody on Facebook knew we are seeing each other & we loved each other a lot, she came to see me after a month and each time we had great sex, then I went to see her at her country when she had holidays and we enjoyed each others' company a lot and I was sure she was the lady of my dreams.

The third time she came to see me, she says she found a used condom in my bathroom, I am not sure if I believed her because I remember bringing 2 girls with a friend & we had sex,anyway, we talk about it & I tell elina that it must have been my friend, I deny it, but I loved elina more than anything in this world, before that another guy had written an sms to her asking her why she had stopped contacting him and calling her baby, she said it was Tony just a friend who needed more,anyway, she goes back to her country to pursue her masters after great sex and I thought everything between us was okay, when she arrived she keeps telling me she is remined of the condom & how it got there.

I was puzzled but I understood her concern, I begged her a lot & yet she kept asking me to give her time, I kept begging her not to think about it because it had nothing to do with us, I loved her more than anything in this world, she decided to break off the relationship & didn't want to pick up my calls, a week later I talked to the sister & explained everything while denying the condom, the sister talked to elina and elina still didn't want to restore the relationship, she needs space that is what elina kept saying.

Okay now she decided to get another phone number so that I could stop contacting her and she says she needs time, she doesn't want any man, she needs to concentrate on her books, driving lessons, her new found work place and stop crying.

I am not sure if this girl also cheated on me with Tony, but I cheated on her because I kept thinking of having great sex with her and I missed her a lot, now she is gone and I am not sure if I will feel the same way about her if we ever contact each other again, since she says she will give me her new number when she feels the need to.

Am I a sick person? Do I understand Love? What should I do, go back to cathy and cement our relationship because cathy provided security, love and care but the sex is not good & she is looking for marriage yet I am not ready to marry her but I can try to marry elina!

I need your professional advice on these...

I think you lack any sort of realization of what love is, of what a relationship is and of what each consists of. The entire culmination of your liking each girl is the sex. I don't see anything else you mention being more attractive than the great sex you had. You cheated on her and you also now want to go back to another former girlfriend because you can't handle the fact that you got rejected.

I tell you what to do: Figure out what it means to be a true gentlemen and leave the ladies alone. They don't deserve to be treated like you treat them. Once the sum of your ambitions with a woman are more than sex, then good luck, but until then, work on yourself.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by leetaljeff

I am not sure if this girl also cheated on me with Tony, but i cheated on her because i kept thinking of having great sex with her and i missed her a lot, now she is gone and i am not sure if i will feel the same way about her if we ever contact each other again, since she says she will give me her new number when she feels the need to.

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Probably one of the single most ignorant comments I have ever read. Read your own post and tell me, logically, what you would say to someone asking the same question.

You don't need a girlfriend, you need a role-model, someone who can show you how to be a man and not a want to be player.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I think you lack any sort of realization of what love is, of what a relationship is and of what each consists of. The entire culmination of your liking each girl is the sex. I don't see anything else you mention being more attractive than the great sex you had. You cheated on her and you also now want to go back to another former girlfriend because you can't handle the fact that you got rejected.

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My idea is actually not to go back to cathy, I had a great loving relationship with her once but the fantasy that I had of elina over Facebook was too much for me,I even forgot what it felt like being with cathy, I feel sick that I have to look at women (as sex objects or a stable loving relationship) for my own good or that I just can't handle my feelings with a woman I like. I know what a true relationship is & all I want is a stable,loving long lasting relationship.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I tell ya what to do: Figure out what it means to be a true gentlemen and leave the ladies alone. They don't deserve to be treated like you treat them. Once the sum of your ambitions with a woman are more than sex, then good luck, but until then, work on yourself.

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I am working on leaving the ladies alone for about a year and finding better ways of getting to know them than look for a relationship until I am sure of the lady I want to be with, I am not a social person as such especially with the ladies but I am going to try my best on getting to know how to be with and treat ladies, thanks for advice.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kctiger

Probably one of the single most ignorant comments I have ever read. Read your own post and tell me, logically, what you would say to someone asking the same question.

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I accept that I am ignorant and that is why I am here,I am seeking good professional help, you are spot on I need a role model but can also psychological help do? Just wondering if it should also be one of my options.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kctiger

You don't need a girlfriend, you need a role-model, someone who can show you how to be a man and not a wanna be player.

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I actaully never been a player till this occurrence, my only wish is be a better man with the ladies and improve my communication and social life.

Thanks very much for the advice, It was spot on, thanks a lot.

Me & my ex split this very month, she said there would not be a relationship between us again, last night we had a bad fight again & we decided not to contact each other again & by helping we would not keep each others' phone numbers, this morning she calls me & tells me she has not seen her period ever since we last saw each other (I am not sure if she had any intentions of telling me before last night),I asked her when she expected her period she says this week on Monday, I asked to send her some money to get herself tested & she resisted, she asked what would happen if she was pregnant, I told her not to jump into any conclusions for now until she gets tested.

I have a steady income and job which pays me enough and I get to rent a flat in the city and live their by myself & I would love to become a father, what should I do?

This is a tricky one! First things first - you must insist that she takes a test - then remember that you were already broken up BEFORE finding this out, so there were enough severe issues in the relationship - then also remember that if she is pregnant, the parent/child relationship is completely separate from a couple's. You have to find out if she is first though. Also, was it really a joint decision to split? If it was wholly yours, then I would question her motives... sorry for being a little cynical, but it does happen... good luck :)

First, find out if she's really pregnant as she's not that late. Stress and other factors could play a part in this. Next, if she is pregnant, decide what role you are going to play in this. As soon as the baby is born, get the courts involved and get visitation and child support agreements set.

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Originally Posted by kappachino

This is a tricky one! First things first - you must insist that she takes a test - then remember that you were already broken up BEFORE finding this out, so there were enough severe issues in the relationship - then also remember that if she is pregnant, the parent/child relationship is completely separate from a couple's. You have to find out if she is first though. Also, was it really a joint decision to split? If it was wholly yours, then I would question her motives....sorry for being a little cynical, but it does happen....good luck :)

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Okay I spoke to her just afew minutes back and she confirms she took the tests for STIs and STDs just to also be sure and the tests came out fine, she is not pregnant. Now I guess there is nothing that will make me look back, she's the one who actually called the relationship off & I honestly will miss her but I never want to beg for her attention as I am sure she expects me to, I had a rough time when she used to ask me to give her time but honestly I am not the patient kind of person and I am quick to discard anything that makes me sad, thanks for the help.

This is an extract of the instant messenger session we discussed about;

Jerryeguru: howdy? Hp you are okay
Hellywilly: Yeah,I got my lab test reslt
Jerryeguru: okay what did th physician do and what were th results of the test
Hellywilly: He askd me some few qns before the test.th reslts r OK.
Jerryeguru: I also went 4 an sti and std test and thngs are fine with me, hp you tested yourself too to be sure
Jerryeguru: OK thts good news if you are not pregnant
Hellywilly: Yeah,I also did that today and I'm safe.
Jerryeguru: cool thts good to know.
Hellywilly: Ok.bye and thanks 4 your concern.
Hellywilly: Take care.
Jerryeguru: all right you too take care
Hellywilly: Take care.

Have your fun, and wear protection, as your not ready, or patient enough for a real adult relationship. OR fatherhood.

Sooner or later, you'll figure out the difference between lust that fades, and love that grows, through shared sacrifice, and a lot of hard work.

All you wants is the little head to be happy. The big head is only a hat rack right now.

Ohhh tala,. ever the wise one ;-) x

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Have your fun, and wear protection, as your not ready, or patient enough for a real adult relationship. OR fatherhood.

Sooner or later, you'll figure out the difference between lust that fades, and love that grows, thru shared sacrifice, and a lot of hard work.


All you wants is the little head to be happy. The big head is only a hat rack right now.

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You are right, I am so confused at this time. But I actually wanted to stay with my ex for a long time as I have managed to do so with my previous relationship & maybe something very tangible would happen between us, anyway I will accept that I am illiterate about these matter and allow myself to grow maturely.

I don't think you should be too hard on yourself.

I presume you are in your early 20's, and part of life is experience, all the way around. I don't think you can be 'faulted' for not being a perfect gentleman at your age. What you are learning now, will make you a better man, father, and husband down the road.

Relationships come and go, and with each one, you bring more expectations, understanding and maturity to the table. Eventually you will learn what you need in a relationship, that goes beyond the physical. It isn't something you can force, it will come naturally.

Don't put pressure on yourself to conform to anybody's idea of how you should be, or what you should become. That is solely the territory belonging to you. The more learning mistakes you make now, the better off you will be down the road.

And this isn't just the domain of men. Women too have to make their fair share of mistakes, and learn what they need to know when they too go through relationships. I've known many women who had sex like rabbits, then met a compatible mate, and have remained faithful for many years of marriage.

That you were also willing to stand up and give a damn about the girlfriend you thought might be pregnant says a lot about you. It was also a valuable life lesson, and scare, that I hope for your sake, doesn't happen again.

Have fun while you can, enjoy your life and all it has to offer at your age. I'm going to presume you are a responsible person in that you will protect yourself, and treat everyone with respect. You are, at the moment, free as a bird.

Maybe keep it that way for a while.

Thanks for the advice, I am 27 & lived alone for 11years with no immediate family. There is now another situation I wouldn't know how to deal with & I'd need your advice, I have been reading on the forum issues with no contact & tried to do so for a few weeks since I last wrote on here, anyway, she now does the calling, asking how I am doing, & generally her finding out how I am fairing with life by myself, I know that I need my own time to heal but its not easy not to pick up her calls and I have not been calling her since, I want to avoid talking to her or contacting her so that I can move on, heal & refocus on what I must do with no intention of winning her back, I wouldn't mind being a friend as long as I just don't get to be invited to a wedding.. that sort of feeling. I am wondering if I should let her know, I need my time alone but stay friends or should I get another phone number, delete her as a friend on Facebook, remove all contact details on phone,mail or something else familiar.

If you re going to do real No Contact you delete them everywhere and don't talk to them at all.

I will admit that I am personally not a fan of 'no contact'. I know that is contrary to what is a popular method of dealing with a breakup, but I personally don't like the concept.

When you have decided that a relationship is over, there are certain realizations that you have to face. You may run into that person in a store, on campus, or their friends or family members. You may be on mutual friends networks with Facebook, or share classes with them, shop at the same grocery store, live nearby, etc.

You can do the 'no contact', but you cannot avoid indirect contact, without being aware of them somewhere in the picture, nor can you avoid questions, explanations, and conversations. In other words, there will be a continuous stream of reminders no matter what you do.

While it is a good idea that you don't pick up her calls because that is something that you can control. You can also control who's on your Facebook, that sort of thing. If you can avoid her in the beginning, do so. If you cannot, then be cordial and polite, but don't get drawn into anything more than that.

I think that it isn't necessary to turn your life upside down in order to avoid the unpleasantness of occasionally talking to her, or seeing her face to face. I wouldn't change my phone number, or my friends, or any normal routine I have just because I have to stick to rules that say, 'no contact'. I don't think its realistic.

If she isn't getting it, and continues to call you, then send her an email and tell her that you would rather she didn't call you, the relationship is over, and she needs to move on, and respect your wishes not to call you. Repeat if necessary.

Time heals any breakup, but as long as you have decided that it is in your best interest to not have a relationship with her, then you are setting your own rules, according to your own comfort level.

This is what I wrote to her on face book and her response. She probably think she was doing me a favor, what should I next move be, should I just let her do it herself or I remove all details of her & her sister who is a mutual friend on face book

############ me
I know its not easy for you to handle the aftermath what happened btn us,
I wnt you to know you are nt alone, as much as its hard to deal with th situation
I'm nt sure we are doing enough to allow ourselves to heal frm all th pain.
I'd rather we minimize contacting each othr for a couple of months b'se I
Believe time heals all breakups & its in our own best interests
( u said it yourself you wl never give me another chance and that your
Parents wld never let me thru) to set our own comfort levels.
I'm nt saying thr shld be total no contact b'se we can never
Avoid indirect contact any place nor questions, explanations,
And conversations, thr will be a continuous stream of reminders
No matter what we do & I need time to take ths pain frm my heart
Because I'm having difficulty concentrating at work, or study.
I hope you undstnd what I'm trying to say and know you are not a lone


############## her
Its OK.I undrstand.I wl delete your fon numbers frm my fonbuk delete
Your email address and remove you frm my fb friends.bye.

Do what you are comfortable doing.

If it were me, I would probably delete her.

Well I didn't delete her myself, she did it just now after warning me, I still have a mutual friend in her sister who I do not mind keeping, any advice

I do not know if this girl is infatuated or not, or she doesn't know what she wants but, I she keeps trying to contact me by Yahoo messenger, this is an extract and want to know what is going on in her head right now... probably she wants me back but how I can go about this because I also need her back but not to repeat the same heart ache... remember she is in another country, 6hrs drive in nairobi and I am in kamapala;


Hellywilly: I really miss you but thrz nothng I cn do about it.I wl alwys remember u.
Jerryeguru: these are normal feelings that happen when thr is a breakup
Hellywilly: OK
Jerryeguru: don't be so hard on yourself I'm sure you wl find Mr. right at th right time
Hellywilly: alryt
Hellywilly: its not easy for me 2 handle the brkup thou I'm tryng, it really kills me and consume a lot of my energy sometyms its hard to concentrate at wrk and school but I'm really tryng
Jerryeguru: u dumped me and you shldnt be torturing yourself b'se you decided to find your freedom, th more you keep contacting me, its becoming worse for both of us, we need to learn frm our mistakes, pickup ourselves and find a better life to enjoy than looking back at what happened & asking questions like.. what if?
Jerryeguru: I tried to explain to you yesterday bt you didn't undstnd me
Hellywilly: OK.I hv understood.I think ths is the last tym I'm wrtng to you.I wl try and move on.thanx 4 evrythng.ths is the last gudbye. Bye.
Jerryeguru: okay bye Hellen, I wish you all th joy in the world anyone can find.
Hellywilly: thsnx.bye

Stay away from the Yahoo etc-whatever goes on in her head shouldn't worry you now-you need to get over this for your own good.
You've said goodbye-and you're in Uganda,she's in Kenya-so you're not likely to run into each other in person-stick to no contact and heal.