In January of this year I lost my Dad to cancer. In December he was diagnosed with cancer. In January he died. Obviously this year has knocked me for six.

On top of this I have been with my partner for 4 and half years. After losing my Dad it made me realise how important life is and how much I care about the people close to me. My girlfriend was by my side for every moment and was there with me when my Dad took his last breath. She was a rock for me and I decided to propose to her in July this year, she said yes.

A few weeks after our engagement she told me that she felt confused and needed some space and that she doesn't know how she really feels about our relationship. She said that she felt that the spark had gone between us. I am 26 and she is 30. I guess I ignored the problems we had that were going on way before my Dad got sick. Now I'm going through the stage of sadness and depression. Losing my Dad and now facing the reality of losing my partner is hard to swallow. I am still in the denial phase at the moment but after finding this website I am starting to realise that it is very unlikely that this broken relationship of ours can be mended.

Since August we have been going round in circles. Meeting up and talking then talking more and more going over old ground. There have been plenty of tears and lots of shouting. We tried going away for a couple of days but it didn't change anything (not that I thought it would if my honest). I guess I just hoped in my heart that it might make things better. I don't how or why it has happened but we seem to have grown apart and things just don't feel the same anymore. I guess I thought that people only break up for a "real" reason such as someone cheating or something but with us it just isn't like that. Things seem to have just gone wrong over the last year or so.

I have been texting her and I even wrote her a letter. It is hard to let go of someone who you love and the fact that I have lost my Dad makes it even harder. My life has been turned upside down but now I need to find the strength to stand strong and re-build me life. The reality is that saying something and doing something are two completely different things. I feel down, de-motivated and so depressed. I just wonder how things have gone so wrong between us. I am lucky that I have a good family and friends but it doesn’t stop me from feeling lonely and down. I hate the thought of being single again and giving up on someone I love so much.

I was going to ask what to do next but I have a feeling the whole no contacting her is the starting point?

** can't be mended... not a good part to misspell

My first thought reading this was for you not to hang on to her because of the loss of your father. Losing a someone to death is a different healing process then losing a loved one still in the living. Were all the signs there in the very end and you were blinded by it because of your fathers passing?

When you are talking with her what are you talking about? Your problems or are you pushing her to continue on with you. A persons feelings can change towards another. Its possible she stood by you out of guilt for wanting to leave knowing you lost your father. I have a feeling she may have felt these confused feelings and also felt the burden of needing to be your support system when you needed it most.

Does she have interest in moving forward with you?

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Originally Posted by Faithlessfornow

** can't be mended... not a good part to misspell

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Anything can be mended with hard work and communication and the same goal. I don't think it was a mistake in spelling.

My gut feeling is that this is beyond repair. She doesn't know what she wants or how she feels. I need someone who is going to be there for me right now, not someone who isn't sure how they feel about me. Every time we talk about the situation and how she feels the same answer is given by her "I dont know how I feel".

I am going to suggest grief counseling as well as the No Contact.

I think the grief counseling might help you with the loss of your father. It might help you determine if you were maybe starting to hold on too tight to your girlfriend for her to be comfortable in the relationship. It can also help you deal with breaking up with her.

I am also going to suggest that you read the bereavement board to help out with your grief. It always helps to know you aren't going through something alone.

Bereavement - Ask Me Help Desk

Sorry faithforlessfornow, for the loss of your father. My heart goes out to you. I went through the same thing last year, within a month my Dad was gone. I wouldn't beat myself up and wonder what you did wrong, or how you are going to fix the relationship. Sometimes it just happens, I had it happen to myself, breaking up over nothing. We drift apart sometimes, or the idea of commitment scared her off. She is the only one that knows that. She must care to some point if she is still meeting up with you, sounds to me your both not on the right page. I would honestly backoff for now, and give her some space, you can express your feelings, but you need to build your life back to normal, as hard as it sounds. You will both find out if its meant to be by giving each other some space. You never know... good luck

It's bad enough losing your Dad, but when a relationship falls apart also, it feels like two deaths. Stay strong as hard as it is.

I am sorry for your loss and the difficult year that you have been having.

The bottom line is you can't fix what isn't broken and it does not sound like the relationship is broken,simply over.

Sadly,people do fall out of love.I don't think anyone sees that coming and knows why it happens.

Clinging to someone or something that has outlived its life is an exercise in futility.

You can't make someone love you.

It sounds as if you both have make an effort to save the relationship but it appears that it is over.

Sometimes people come into our life for a short stay and that is all.We need to be grateful for that time and learn how to move on.

Just as you have grieved for your father,so too you need to grieve the end of the relationship.

It takes time and strength and commitment to the healing process.

You did answer your own question,yes,it begins with NO CONTACT.

There is a ton of info on this site to help you learn the rules of NC.I hope you find the help you need.

Cat thanks for the advice - I think your right.

I think your all right. Me and her are clearly on different pages.

The truth is maybe she has just had the courage to say what I was thinking too. We are different in so many ways and over the last year this has shown.

I can relate to your question. I lost both of my parents in May 2008 to a car accident. At the time, I had been dating a very nice guy for about a year. I had to come home to take care of my dad, who only survived for a few weeks. I stayed home to handle the estate, and eventually ended up moving for good and staying in the house because of the housing economy and not really wanting to part with the house.

Something like this definitely changes a relationship. I know in my case I was struggling with a lot of grief and responsibility. He stood by me, but I wasn't able to give him the attention he deserved. He had no complaints, but it weighed on me and I pulled back. It's possible that you changed your behavior towards her without realizing it. It's possible that it became too heavy of a burden for her, after helping you through the illness and death phases.

I would second Cat's suggestion to go to grief counseling. It will help you sort through the grief of losing your father, and help you examine your relationships with others. I went to counseling, and it did all those things and more for me.

I ended up choosing to cut ties with the guy I had been seeing, but I understood why I did it and was able to explain it more clearly to him. In his usual manner, he took it quite well. A lot of it had to do with realizing we were too different. I would also caution you that if you do break up, be careful not to jump into anything new too soon. Make sure you deal with the losses of both your father and your relationship first. Take care.

You're welcome.

What ever decisions you make as you heal, don't forget that you have the support of the people on this site, too. :)

Editted to add a virtual greenine for Just Looking. I had to spread the rep.

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Originally Posted by 88sunflower

My first thought reading this was for you not to hang on to her because of the loss of your father. Losing a someone to death is a different healing process then losing a loved one still in the living. Were all the signs there in the very end and you were blinded by it because of your fathers passing?

I think I was blined by the signs because of my fathers passing. I dont think the reaction to my dads dying contributed to the breakdown in our relationship because we had problems some time before he got sick.

When you are talking with her what are you talking about? Your problems or are you pushing her to continue on with you. A persons feelings can change towards another. Its possible she stood by you out of guilt for wanting to leave knowing you lost your father. I have a feeling she may have felt these confused feelings and also felt the burden of needing to be your support system when you needed it most.

She keeps saying that she loves me but she doesn't know what the best thing to do is

Does she have interest in moving forward with you?

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She says that she wants things to work between us and so do I but we seem to have tried most things and I think sometimes the more you both try the less natural things become and so therefore things deteriorate even more. My gut feeling is that it shouldn't be this hard if we are right together but it is hard to accept that as it hurts so much.

I think I am in the stage of knowing that the relationship is finished but not wanting to give up yet. I am not a quitter by nature and I have always believed in fighting for what you want but I guess that doesn't apply in this case.

If she loves you but doesn't know what the best thing to do is, I read that as "I love you but I think I can be happier with someone else"

Maybe you shouldn't try to hang on to a dream. Reality is the relationship has run its course. Your trying to hang on to comfort. But in her words she is saying she does care about you but she may be happier to just move on. She is trying to be nice about it with out tearing your heart out.

Sometimes reality hurts :-(

Faithlessfornow, I feel for you and I am sorry of your father's death. Please hang in there. It hurts but you must face it.

I'm so sory to hear about what's been going on in your life.

I know that losing anyone you love is hard and I hate to say it, but I think you need to step back and take an honest look at your relationship.

You already figured it out - you need to back off totally.

Backing off is definitely the best thing. I have been NC now for 5 days and as most of you know it sucks and it is so hard especially at certain times when your already feeling low. It can be so tempting to send a text or try to contact her but believe me I know that this is just not worth doing.

The one thing that I am happy about at the moment is that I haven’t done anything stupid as in ring her loads of times or send her lots of emails or anything like that... and I don’t intend too. So I am pleased that I have my dignity and I feel strong for not doing that.

All I got to do is keep it up now I guess.. that’s the hard bit!

It s hard at first but it gets easier by the day when you stay strong and stick to it. You re doing fine.

Well done for keeping up the NC - ;)