I'm stuck in a huge dilemma. I'm in this perfect marriage with a good looking, kind, caring, loyal guy and we have a 1-yr old baby. BUT I feel I'm married to my best friend and I'm not sexually attracted to him. While I find others that I'm EXTREMELY attracted to sexually.

I can never cheat on him, cause he deserves better than that, but there've been occasions where I've been very close to cheating and had to stop myself.

Surely this isn't right and a clear sign I should be getting out?

But on the other hand, when we have sex, I do have orgasms and enjoy it. The problem is I never feel the excitement of wanting him, while I feel this for others.

I'm doubting whether this is a problem with me rather than the relationship,and if I broke this up and started another relationship with someone I found sexually exciting, whether in time the sexual attraction may go away and I'll be back in square one?

I'm in such a comfortable place now, living with my 'best friend' and baby it seems a shame to throw it all away. But then you do live once, and should I really be going through life thinking I didn't live it fully?

Please help!

You really have to get over yourself, and your sexual attraction to others. 'Nearly' cheating is going to far.

What do you think marriage is. It sounds like your husband gets it. Sex is never going to go back to the bunny rabbit stage, as it was when you were first falling in love. You won't have that giddy expectation while spending three hours putting on your makeup, or a couple of hours shaving your legs. Falling in love and being sexually attracted to a man is a very brief, very small part of a life long commitment.

That you are feeling so strongly about being with another man, or men, because of sexual attraction, to the point of destroying your marriage is a big red flag. You can go down that road if you choose, but you will be sorely disappointed once the initial goal is accomplished. Then it's back to the normal pace of life. The cold hard facts of life will kick your derrierre and have you regretting chasing those passionate few moments at the expense of your family.

You have an obligation and responsibility to your husband and the child you brought into this world. You can't have it both ways. You can't compromise with an affair, and you cannot satisfy your sexual attraction to other men at their expense.

You will lose it all if you choose to go down that path of no return.

The next time you feel sexually attracted to another man, go home. Jump your husbands bones and be grateful that you have him, and satisfying sex with him, in a familiar bed, with your life intact.

Jake, she already asked this question int the Adult Sexuality forum and has started getting answers there.

I think she is shopping for the answer she wants.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Jake, she already asked this question int the Adult Sexuality forum and has started getting answers there.

I think she is shopping for the answer she wants.

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Apologies, I'm new to the site and posted in the two forums the problem seemed relevant to, to get a wider range of perspectives. I'll remove this post if its against the site's standard of practice.

Please don't jump to conclusions that I'm shopping for answers I want. Not sure why you think this? I really do appreciate straight, honest advice as I've thought this over for too long and really need a fresh point of view.

Thanks Jake, really appreciate your honest opinion.

I guess the question is, if I'm in the right relationship should I be feeling attracted to others in the first place? Is this normal?

One thing I know is that I'll never go down the affair route. I need to either straighten my mind and stay or make a clean break.

Your sexuality doesn't go out the window simply because you are married. Of course you will find and feel sexual energy from men, all of your life. Flirting is normal too, as is dreaming about someone else, wondering what life would be like under different circumstances. All of that doesn't stop when you get married.

I have been married 33 years. I would be a bold faced liar if I didn't say that I had absolute over the top attraction to different men over the years. I have attraced men too, still do, and while I enjoy the flirting, it has never, and never would, go further than that. It is a decision you make not to cheat. A conscious, intelligent decision based on fact, and balanced with many things. Such as, what you have to lose, what you have to gain. Who's needs will be met, and who's will not. What level of devastation are you prepared to inflict on your loved ones.

These feelings you have, I believe, will eventually pass. You may always wonder 'what if', but it is a gamble that you will most likely regret for the rest of your life. To keep your marriage and family intact, and all the good that you are so lucky to have, should be your first, and only priority.

Don't fall into that trap that half of all married couples fall into. The grass is NOT greener on the other side, it is NOT okay to cheat, and you can control yourself! Put an elastic band on your wrist, and every time you start to slip away and think about drastically changing your life, give yourself a good thwack as punishment.

Trust me, and beat the odds.

As Jake2008 the grass is not greener on the other side. Your story could have been written by my ex, she too felt the need for others attention, she says she never slept with the 3 guys, but you know trust is a fragile thing. After number 4 I had enough so after 23 years of marriage and 3 kids I had enough. She went on to live with number 4 who of course was the best thing ever, for about 3 months, then she was begging me to come back. You are the one in control here, it is up to you to keep emotions in check, flirting is OK to a point, but remember why you married him. Good luck

Guys

My problem is that the grass on my side was never green to begin with. I was a virgin when I married so made a very 'sensible' choice by marrying a guy who is very nice and caring, full stop.

I never felt sexually drawn to him, and through the 6 years of marriage the sex was purely a physical act (would have been the same if it was someone else).

Although we get along well, we're quite different in a lot of ways e.g.:
- I'm very outgoing and sociable, he's silent and shy and may not speak a word at a party or get-together...
- I love trying out new things, he hates it

These are probably the reasons I feel so attracted to guys who I think are more similar, and I'm sexually drawn to. Have been carrying this on for the past 6 years simply because I'm scared to break up the comfortable arrangement. I know he'll be absolutely devastated, I'll feel very alone (especially as we moved to the UK a few years ago and don't have any family or many friends). And on top of that we have a 1 yr old baby :((

Please help. I really think I need some counselling but heard they're £60/hr!

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Originally Posted by Cherie32

Please help. I really think I need some counselling but heard they're £60/hr!

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That'd be a waste of money, any counselor you go to will tell you what you already know. You don't have chemistry with your husband and you never will.

Being a virgin going into this marriage, it's now obvious you didn't know what you wanted just because you never the experience. I assume when you say you were a virgin that also implies your husband was your first relationship. If not, doesn't really matter because sex adds a whole different perspective on a relationship.

I already answered this in another thread somewhere, pick one.

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Originally Posted by Cherie32

Guys

My problem is that the grass on my side was never green to begin with. I was a virgin when I married so made a very 'sensible' choice by marrying a guy who is very nice and caring, full stop.

I never felt sexually drawn to him, and through the 6 years of marriage the sex was purely a physical act (would have been the same if it was someone else).

Although we get along well, we're quite different in a lot of ways e.g.:
- I'm very outgoing and sociable, he's silent and shy and may not speak a word at a party or get-together...
- I love trying out new things, he hates it

These are probably the reasons why I feel so attracted to guys who I think are more similar, and I'm sexually drawn to. Have been carrying this on for the past 6 years simply because I'm scared to break up the comfortable arrangement. I know he'll be absolutely devastated, I'll feel very alone (especially as we moved to the UK a few years ago and don't have any family or many friends). And on top of that we have a 1 yr old baby :((

Please help. I really think I need some counselling but heard they're £60/hr!

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THat is EXACTLY what is meant by the grass appearing greener on the other side of the fence. You THINK where you are at now is bad, so it must be better "over the fence" a another place. Fact is usually once you get there the "grass" isn't as perfect and green as it looked before... and many times you find the "Perfect green grass" is astroturf when you see it up close, and not grass at all. And you hate astroturf.

But the gate was locked behind you and you can't go back.

Get some marriage counseling. ASAP.
Marriage is a deep, bonding thing between two people. It really isn't something that should be thrown away without a good fight.
You've said that overall the marriage is good, it's just sex and sexual attraction that is lacking (along with other small differences you have as people).
I think you owe it to your husband and your child to at least get marriage counseling and try to ignite a spark in your marriage. You also owe it to yourself.
I hope you seek out professionals who can help you and your husband give your marriage a fighting chance.

The National Health Service in the UK offers a range of options that make counselling available - dependent on your income.

There is also a service called MIND in the UK that offers local services and referrals. If you are really serious about getting assistance, then get on the internet and look them up.

A range of free phone services are also available that will provide you with a referral and advice about where you can get help.