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-   -   I'd like some constructive criticism on my poem. (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=408875)

  • Oct 23, 2009, 05:34 AM
    symphony
    I'd like some constructive criticism on my poem.
    I was given an assignment to write a poem for class, and seeing as I'm well aware of the fact that I am a terrible poet, constructive criticism for my poem would be much appreciated. Thanks a billion!

    "The Girl in White"

    She looks to be about 24
    A kind, round face
    Subtle laugh lines around her eyes.

    Her face is pale though her cheeks are brightened by blush
    Her eyelids are smokey from makeup
    Her lips stained bright red.

    An old string of pearls around her neck
    Once belonging to her grandmother
    To her namesake.

    She is dressed in white
    In a draping gown of lace and silk
    A new dress special for the occasion.

    Her dark brown hair falls in soft curls around her face
    Her bangs held up off her forehead by a clip
    Borrowed from a friend who'd insisted it be used on this day.

    A bracelet of blue sapphire hangs delicately from her wrist
    Shimmering against her pale skin
    She is a magnificent sight indeed.

    Something old something new
    Something borrowed something blue.

    The church doors open
    The first few people come in and immediately go to see her
    Everyone else who enters follows suit.

    They crowd around her, whispering
    Misty-eyed they tell her how much they love her and how lovely she looks
    They tell her how they didn't expect this day to come so soon and they wish her well.

    Her face stays the same throughout
    Calm and serene
    Completely at peace.

    Suddenly the pastor calls for attention
    The noise dies down and the people take one last look at her
    The funeral begins.
  • Oct 23, 2009, 05:42 AM
    stevetcg

    Kind of morbid, kind of hard hitting, all in all a good poem.

    If I were to give anything, I would suggest not starting too many lines in a row with the same word ('her'). Be creative there...

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