Ask Me Help Desk - My husband has a female friend

Hello I am very new to all of this and will soon be celebrating my first anniversary. I have recently learned that my husband has a female coworker that he converses with a lot more than I knew. He told me that it all started when I went into a depression after tearing my acl at work and that he tried to get me out of my slump... They talk to each other everyday for hours at a time on the phone and the hundreds and hundreds of text messages. I spoke to him about this endless times and he said that I was being controlling and I should not be. He also said that I am jealous and need not be as if he were to make her go away he would not be the same... well he did eventually make her go away but that was short lived. They talk all the time and it hurts me beyond words. If I even ask him about it he gets defensive... She is also married with children and is a Christian woman. He says that they help each other and both have morals and values and neither would ever stray from their committed partners... Am I over reacting? I have been cheated on many times in past relationships. I love my husband and trust him not to stray but he just doesn't understand that the hours of mindless conversation with this woman hurt me... any suggestions would be greatly appreciated as I am hitting rock bottom... marriage counseling won't work as he does not believe in that... I am not an angry person just very hurt.

He should respect the fact that you do not like it and he should drop it right away. It is a sacrifice he has to make if he is wanting to be with you and keep you happy. That should be his top priority. You have the right to feel insecure about it. It is after all just a feeling and it shouldn't be anymore than that. You were hurt in the past and sometimes it is hard to get past that. That is understandable and he of all people should understand it. You will just have to put your foot down on this one and ask for what you want and be persistent until he thinks about your needs. I can understand being friends with her but the phone conversations and the text messages are a little overboard if you ask me. I work all day in the same building as this one girl. Just me and her all day long. We talk a lot and are friendly towards each other and we have each others phone numbers but don't use it unless we need to get ahold of each other. That is as far as it goes and that is as far as it should go.

Quote:

Originally Posted by adam_89

He should respect the fact that you do not like it and he should drop it right away. It is a sacrifice he has to make if he is wanting to be with you and keep you happy. That should be his top priority. You have the right to feel insecure about it. It is after all just a feeling and it shouldn't be anymore than that. You were hurt in the past and sometimes it is hard to get past that. That is understandable and he of all people should understand it. You will jsut have to put your foot down on this one and ask for what you want and be persistant until he thinks about your needs. I can understand being friends with her but the phone conversations and the text messages are a little overboard if you ask me. I work all day in the same building as this one girl. Just me and her all day long. We talk alot and are friendly towards each other and we have each others phone numbers but don't use it unless we need to get ahold of each other. That is as far as it goes and that is as far as it should go.

Thank you adam... I will see what I can do for the sanctity of my marriage and my own self worth!

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Originally Posted by russellswife

thank you adam...I will see what i can do for the sanctity of my marriage and my own self worth!

There you go. You have to do what is right. Whether it be for the marriage or for yourself and you sanity.

Let me caution you about how to have this conversation. You have already said that he's defensive about this subject. Any sort of accusation will trigger an anger response. Fight or Flight, if you will.

Make the conversation about your being left out and your feelings of neglect. Don't give him the excuse to get angry and end the conversation before anything is actually communicated.

If he's talking for endless hours to someone else I would be asking - what does he get from her that he doesn't get from you? What does he have in common with her that he doesn't have with you? You may think that his conversations with her are 'mindless' but what need do they satisfy within him that you're not able to?

What is also important is finding out why he was unable to cope when you were depressed - it sounds to me like he wants someone to 'listen' to him. How well are you listening to what he is saying?

Your husband's behavior is telling you something about your own marriage and the dynamic that you have created with each other. You've only been married a year, so I can understand that these are very hard questions to ask yourself.

I believe that asking him to stop speaking with her, or putting your foot down, is unrealistic. Despite the fact that this is exactly what he needs to do! I suspect it will just drive their friendship underground, and give him more reason to want to speak with her.

I do believe however that speaking to a counselor would work for you both. For him to say that he doesn't believe in it is utterly ridiculous. You've only been married a year and already there are problems - how does he propose to deal with the issues that are likely to occur in the next 5, 15, 25, 35 years?

I agree with Catsmine, a quiet conversation is required. One where you express concerns about your marriage and ask him to work with you to improve the dynamic. Your focus needs to be on each other, without any distractions, if this is to succeed. This means he has to back off with the phone calls and texts and commit to you - this is what you both agreed to when you said your marriage vows, and this is what you must ask him to commit to again.

I once had a neighbor that I liked to talk to and talked to a lot. At that point in my life my husband was always sleepy or just watching TV. I really liked the conversation with my neighbor, I almost craved it.:( I was getting attention that I must have needed, but I was getting it from the wrong person.

My husband mentioned it to me, that it bothered him. I stopped, I was still friends with this person, but I didn't go so far to let it make my husband uncomfortable. Who is more important?

You need to communicate.:)

Ooh! I know this one.

"Emotional Affair"

Husband is not happy with something or doesn't feel like he can communicate with you. I've been there, my wife's been there. It usually progresses to sex. When I was involved in such a thing, all I could do was quit 'cold turkey'.

I agree with therapy or trying to find out where you're not involved in his life somehow.

I distanced myself from my wife during my emotional affair and found reasons to dislike her. Then had a 'make or break it' moment with my wife, and dumped the other person out of my life.

Google around on emotional affairs, there's a ton of information. Although I'm from the school of thought that guys can't have female friends at all.