My husband and I have been married for 3 years. One night we were coming home from a date and his phone rang, it was 130 am. For background information my husband works overnight and was supposed to be at work that night. I asked him who it was and he said it was a 1800#. Needless to say that made no sense to me so the next day I asked him again and he admitted it was another woman. We argued about this because we agreed when we started dating that old friends of the opposite sex werew fine but we would not create any new friends (where we would talk on the phone etc.) When I asked why she called so late he said they were just friends and he had no idea why she would call that late. He said he only talked to her a couple of times and he never called her. I was very hurt and upset but I decided I would not let a couple of phone calls ruin my marriage. I asked if he wanted to do something different about our agreement and he said no that she did not matter and he would tell her not 2 call. A couple weeks later our phone bill came and we owed an extra 60 dollars. So I went back and looked at the bill and he had been talking to her for the pass 9 months! 4 to 5x a week over night as soon as he left for work and on his way home in the am. He talked to her for 2 and 3 hrs and that includes holidays like his birthday and valentines day. She would also call him when I left for work (obv she knew my schedule). He would be texting while he was out with me and to top it off he talked to her for 2-3 weeks by text after he promised he would stop. I love him so much and don't understand what this is about. I have asked and he keep saying nothing is missing and she was just a friend. But seeing at whatt is and could be lost it makes no sense that he would risk that 4 someone who does not matter. I think I'm going to leave because I can't stop crying and thinking about it.

He is involved with another woman. Nine months is a long time to carry on a secret relationship, and as I've said before, if the relationship has to be a secret, he shouldn't be in it.

He has opportunity to connect with her during his shift at work, when you leave for work, and even boldly enough while the two of you are together. He has lied about the nature of the 'friendship', and is likely not willing to give her up, or he would have already.

So what has he shown you. Lying, cheating, deception, disrespect, dishonesty, broken marriage vows, and very little regard for your feelings.

Can he change? Is he willing to change? What are you prepared to accept, and what do you expect of him now that you know what he has done, and continues to do.

The very least I would suggest is that the two of you get into counselling asap. Before you make any major decisions, try to allow for some honesty, and get all the facts. The very least he should do immediately, is cease all contact with this woman.

This activity of his is an act of betrayal. You have a very valid reason to be upset. Take some time to decide if you want to save this marriage. Would he even be open to counseling if you do? Broken trust issues are huge.

You have every reason to be concerned, and you need to sit down with your husband and ask him to be honest with about the nature of the relationship. His behavior has serious potential to threaten your marriage and you must make him aware of this.

I would call what he is doing - cheating - the frequency of phone calls you are describing is unacceptable for just a 'friendship' and the fact that the calls are made when you are not around renders the whole thing extremely suspicious.

If the marriage is important to him then he must explain himself and stop making excuses that she was just a friend. Clearly that is not the case and he owes you an honest answer!

If he does not provide you with a satisfactory explanation, then you may have to re-evaluate the basis upon which your marriage is built and the sort of person you have married. People who lead secret lives do not make good marriage partners!

He obviously cheated on you, whether emotionally or physically.

If he can't earn back your trust, then show him the door. You don't deserve this kind of treatment nor do you have to put up with it.

Caligirl,

If you decide to try to save this marriage(bring a crash cart and defibrillator), you need to have a talk with your husband. Note the operative word there is "with." If you are crying or shouting or accusing then you will have a lovely dramatic exit scene but all you will accomplish is the exit.

If he's cheating on you, and I too believe that emotionally at least he is, then his guilt feelings will make him hypersensitive and ready to get defensive from the get-go. This supercharged atmosphere is why counselors have a job. It's also why you'll notice most of them speak very softly. Soft-spokeness is disarming.

I'd recommend couples counselling, and asking him to go so that you can stop freaking out might be the best approach to get him to agree.

Good Luck