So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years and engaged 1... I am a very jealous person and I know this... I try really hard not to be... It drives him crazy and causes him to yell at me... I will go in suspicious mode for no reason... and bring up his past with out notice.. today I had a reason... not to be suspicious but to be upset and bring up his past... him and I work together.. but on separate sides of a very large organization I only see him during lunch... Today one of his Ex Flings came and applied for a position at our place of work.. and I wouldn't have been quite as flustered except for the fact she applied for a job that she will be working with him... she will be around him well heck more than I am... this makes me uncomfortable... she's really pretty and tall and skinny and is into a lot of the things he is.. and I did not sabatoge her by making so she did not get the job because I could do that... the person who does the hiring respects my opinion A lot and I know about her past with drugs and what not... but I dident do it.. I just stayed quiet as if she was any other applicant... but she's not... and I know I'm crazy and I drive him nuts.. but anytime I try to just talk with him about it he gets mad and yells at me because he doesn't want to hear anymore about his past or how I don't trust him.. and I do trust him I know he would never cheat on me.. I don't trust her not to try... Ive been trying really hard not to be jealous and bring stuff up and make him mad and I've been doing really good lately... but now... I don't know how I'm going to handle this... I need to learn how to calm myself.. I don't yell or scream I just get really sad and feel I dono well gross inside and make up crazy stories in my head... I love him to death and I know he loves me more than anything and I don't want to loose him because I'm a crazy Bi*ch...
How do I stop being this way? Does anyone have any techniques they use to calm themselves or stop making up stories in their heads... im sorry this is so long feels good to vent... I've never written on one of these message board thingys before...
Also don't spit venom in comments I'm asking for help I already know I'm jealous you don't have to clarify that, I just don't know what to do..

Ty

JEALOUSY is a CURSE!

If you are convinced that you are cursed ,
You must do your utmost to get rid of this curse.
It will eat your heart and you will never be happy.
Try your best to change.
I wish you luck.

Jealousy and insecurity will eat you alive.

You are wise to realize that this is putting a wedge between you and your fiancé. He is innocent, it is your insecurities and imagination that is putting him in an unfair light.

Why not try getting yourself a notebook. When you feel the 'symptoms' coming on as you described, get it out, find a quiet place, and write out how you're feeling, and what is bothering you. You may find that something that happened that day has triggered this familiar response. Look for patterns.

It doesn't have to make sense to anybody but you. I guarantee you will feel better writing it out, rather than taking it out, on him.

Venting your jealous feelings to him, won't do you any good, except to show you as a needy, insecure person. If he is continuously defending himself against an invisible foe, I'd be getting pretty fed up too.

Learn to direct those feelings in other ways. If you lack confidence in yourself for example, go and do something to build it up, like join a club, do some volunteer work, tutor at the local school. Try not to focus so much on the state of your relationship, when you have opportunities to go in healthier directions.

Love is what you show, and if you can learn to show unconditional love with confidence, your relationship will be so much stronger. But to keep hammering on him without any justifiable cause, is a one way street to splitsville.

The first thing you need to do is get a break from this relationship. If you continue with your jealous ways, you're just going to push away your boyfriend and you might even loose him.

Take a time out so that you can gain some perspective. A few weeks apart just to focus on working on yourself. Try reading some self-help books: The Guide to Self-Help Books – Recommended Self-Help Books - Self-Help Book Reviews

You might hesistate because you're scared that he will run off with another girl or that you're extremely insecure about yourself without him. So this break will be a good test for your relationship before you actually get married. Marriage is a huge commitment and if he can't go a few weeks without each other (which is a very small challenge), then you're definitely not ready for a marriage.

Remember, if you can't even take care of yourself, how can you worry about someone else?

First of all give yourself credit, and a lot of it, that you have acknowledged and worked hard not to let jealousy, and insecurity, and FEAR, make you make rash and impulsive decisions, and act badly.

To make yourself feel better I think you take the extra step, of learning how to calm yourself, when those feelings start to make themselves known. Know off the bat that these feelings are triggered by what you think is the truth, in your situation seeing an ex of your partner invading your territory. The thing to do is to deal with the truth, and find you have nothing to be jealous of.

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And bring up his past with out notice..

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I do not know what this means but you must have been cheated on before, but I don't know the specifics.

It would seem though that your dealing with a lot of past issues that your trying to get beyond, and he may not be helping to reassure you as a partner, which is crucial, so instead of venting those feelings out, you are internalizing them.

If you can't talk to your partner, you have to talk to someone, and honestly look at are you to dependent, on your partner, or the relationship to be happy. Dependence only magnifies your FEAR, and the fear is what you must deal with.

What are your fears, and where did they come from?? Are they justified?

Ty all so much for all of your help I like the writing stuff down idea.. And as for breaking it off for a few weeks, well thts not an option. I live with him and have no other place to go.. Well cept my moms but I wouldent even have a bed there.

And when I said I bring up his past w/ out notice I mean like sometimes nothing will trigger it and I'll just think of something from his past and talk about it...

As for having insecurities thts true... Ive gained like 15 lbs since I've been with him and as for past expierences my dad had a girlfriend young enough to be an older sister... I knew about it when I was little and said nothing and my mom did eventually find out... I had a boyfriend whom I loved and he just disappeared on me never actually broke up just moved away... N that was hard because I was the one who worked and gave him a place to live and I felt used... But my fiancé has never shown me ne reason for doubt and know what ihavent mentioned anything since I posted this last night and I feel better.. this feels nice... :) ty

Read some of the other posts here about jealousy, and get some insights how others handle it. That will help, and just know once you recognize your triggers you can have a plan to deal with them. There is a search engine at the top of the page for this site.

Just a bit curious as to your b/f's past, as I have found sometimes our partners, without meaning to, trigger our feelings also. Sometimes its something small, that we would never recognize.

Another thing to build the self esteem needed to overcome insecurities, and fears, being as independent as possible will definitely help, as you won't feel trapped, or resigned to your lot in life. You will look forward, NOT back.

Diet, exercise, and sleep, are what keeps a mind, body, and soul in a state of confidence, that good health brings.

You just need a good plan of actions, and the will to follow through, and the patience to stick with it, no matter what, and you will feel better, and see things clearer.