Ask Me Help Desk - He needs time

I have been in a wonderful relationship with a man for 4 months. I am 43 and he is 41. He begged my brother for a month to introduce us after he saw me entering my brother house. His wife of 15 years left him a year before. The divorce is not final. I was the first person he dated since she moved out. He initially started calling me at least 5 times a day, we talked for over 5 hours a day and spent time together every other day. In the 1st 2 months I would not have overnight visits when his son was at his house. The 3rd month I met his mother. She was very receptive to me. We were very happy until his soon to be ex-family started trying to get them back together. His friends complained because we were spending so much time together and they didn't have a drinking buddy. He changed for the better (his choice) and joined the health club with me and stop drinking as much (just wine).He had pined for his wifesince she left. Two weeks ago he told me he needed time to resolve some issues. He stated he was proceeding with the divorce but he honestly had thought they would get back together but she's not receptive to the idea. My problem comes in when every time it's time to be intimate he prays and say forgive me God because he's still married he feels he's committing adultery. He invites me over every time we talk even though he was in "his need time period." Although I love him I ended the relationship. He will not speak to me now because he said I stood by him through everything and I should have given him sometime. He said he know I wanted closure but he's not willing to give it to me. Should I have given him time and hoped he came back or just ended it so he can take the time to get over her.

Getting in this relationship seemed like a bad idea to begin with- clearly this man is on the rebound. You don't seem to be worried about his religious concerns enough to abstain from having sex- and yes, he is committing adultery. You need to forget about this guy- leave him and his wife alone, so they can try to resolve their relationship, don't hinder that.

I would leave him alone until he has his stuff sorted out. He clearly still wants to get back with his wife although she doesn't seem to be coming to the party , so he's clearly using you as a Rebound.

If she had said yes at any time he would have dumped you like a hot potato so feel lucky you got out before he did.

I should not have said the problem was when we were intimate. The whole situation became a little too much. (Jaime09) I would never interfere within a husband and wife situation. They are in court (in the process of a divorce). I am not trying to sway his decision one way or another. I am stepping back for him to make the right decision for him. (Friend4u) You advice is right on target for the way I feel. You are right, yes he would have left me before we started dating I did tell him if he felt there was a chance for a reconciliation I would back up. I did speak with my brother (who has known the couple for 10 years) after everything transpired and his wife did reiterate she would never consider a reconciliation. My brother's advice was I was right to walk away. He needs more alone time to accept the divorce.

Update 10/25: I had no contact with him in over a week during this time his brother died. He didn't call to tell me. I did reach out to let him know if he needed anything he could call. Friday evening he stopped by my brother house and we talked for 10 minutes. He explained he was upset with me for some petty things said that was not major issues. When I tried to address them and explain we would not be getting back together, he walked out saying he couldn't "handle it". The funeral was (Sat)yesterday. I received a phone call from his mother while she was in town asking me if I would attend or come by the house to see her. I did not go. I did stop by his house at 10pm after the funeral to check on him. I sat on the couch and allowed him to rest his head and sleep for 2 hours and I told him I had to leave. (We were not intimate). I called him Sunday to check on him and he will not return any calls. Even though it hurts I will not call anymore. Any suggestions?

It's a good idea not to call anymore. If he won't answer your calls, quit calling, and don't bother answering his.

(Ricky) Yes, I am giving up. This was the 1st man in 10 years that I truly felt compatible with, but I'm sorry I will not attempt to compete with his feelings of his soon to be ex. He needs time to accept the changes that are taking place in his life. It has been more than 17 years since he dated.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ExquisiteC

(Ricky) Yes, I am giving up. This was the 1st man in 10 years that I truly felt compatible with, but I'm sorry I will not attempt to compete with his feelings of his soon to be ex. He needs time to accept the changes that are taking place in his life. It has been more than 17 years since he dated.

Count your lucky stars you only invested four months.You won't get them back but the reward is that you have learned a valuable lesson about "separated" men.
They are not free.Emotionally or otherwise.
Forty is the new twenty so get back on the horse and go out to have fun.

Talaniman Rule- Never get involved with someone who still is dealing with their ex.

Its only been a year and he isn't divorced yet nor has he unpacked his baggage from the marriage and soon to be divorce. That makes him a poor relationship choice.