Ok so here it goes, I am a 28 year old full time mom and college student. I have been dating a 36 year old guy for about 9 months now, on the intamacy level there is a large lack of. We have only participated in for-play twice and both times we were really drunk. Now it is hunting season and he stays at my house 6 out of the 7 nights because I live closer to the woods there is no sex at all now. Ok I was able to manage without the for-play but nothing at all just seems crazy. I know I am different from anything one he has ever been with, we both hunt, fish, camp, and enjoy sports all the women he has been with our straight up girlie girls. I am a little thicker than what he is used to being with physically but I have an atheletic build and have never had complaints about my body. I also have kids and he has none and has not been in a relationship with a woman that has. He is cranky and stuck in his ways but he is a good soild man I am just so confused is this an age thing is he just comfortable with us being together? Oh and the one time I finally get him to he can't even get off, that has never happened to me. Thanks any insight would be great.:o

Just making sure I am correct in my comprehension of what you wrote. You had been having sex, but there had been no measurable foreplay involved. Now, he is almost living at your house for Hunting season and there is no sex at all.

Do you have any other shows of intimacy outside of the bedroom like hand-holding, caresses, kissing, etc.

While some men do have extremely low libidos, that doesn't explain his other behaviors such as no foreplay at all. That could mean he is either very selfish and only thinking of his own pleasure or he is afraid of not being able to perform if he is too stimulated.

I would suggest getting him to go to the doctor for a complete check up. Low libido and performance anxiety could be symptoms of health issues.

If it is the selfishness, then I am concerned that it goes deeper than sexual matters. I am concerned that he doesn't see you as a girlfriend but as a friend and is using you and your house to satisfy his hunting desires. If this is the case, I would send him home and tell him that you aren't running a Bed and Breakfast for hunters.

It all comes down to one word (as it usually does) Communication. If he isn't willing to talk about the issues, take that as a red flag and let him go. If he wants to stay stuck in his ways, he can do so on his own. You have yourself and children to take care of and in your house your ways are the ones that count.

Yes you are correct that we were having sex, I have asked him if I had done something wrong and he said no, but it is slowly getting worse. I do see it as a selfish thing because when he drinks which he normally does daily except during hunting season, he is all willing now that he is going to be sober for the next to months am I just supposed to understand?

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Originally Posted by lonelymomma2

Yes you are correct that we were having sex, I have asked him if I had done something wrong and he said no, but it is slowly getting worse. I do see it as a selfish thing because when he drinks which he normally does daily except during hunting season, he is all willing now that he is going to be sober for the next to months am I just supposed to understand?

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I think I would be understanding enough to send him home. Whether he is drinking or not he is using you to get what he wants. Sex when and how he wants it and a closer home base for hunting seem to be his two big desires. I don't think I would let myself or my house be used like that.

Talk to with him IF you think he will be open to working on the relationship, but don't be surprised if he gets upset at you for wanting more than to be an inn.

How does he treat your children? Does he interact with them?

The only good thing I can see that you have written about him is that he doesn't drink during hunting season.

Yes he does interact with them but the more you call it an Inn the more I am seeing. That's what I am doing I cook every night he comes in I fix his plate he eats goes to bed and leaves for the woods the next morning does not help me cleanup at all in fact he stacked his trash up by the trash can instead of taking it out. You know your so opening my eyes I needed this a while back. :) And I know he is not open to talk about it I have tried. Thanks

I think you probably were working to that conclusion on your own. I have found that most people are looking for confirmation of what they already know in their own minds.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do with him.

Had to spread the Rep but I agree with Cat1864 100%.

This guy is using you in my opinion. Up to you whether you let it continue.

I'm not going to have a definitive answer... its just speculation and maybes... I talk a lot and end up saying nothing definitive here...

His being older doesn't mean anything. Yes... it can sometimes make a difference. Men in general start to see drops in testosterone (and therefore sex drive) around 40 years old... but it can vary from man to man and it can be something that slowly builds over time, not really being noticed.

Being in a home with children, when you have not been, can shock the system... even if he is "ok" with it on the surface. When I started dating a single mom with a 13 year old daughter I had some issues. The bedroom was right above the kids bed and quite honestly there was little to no privacy or room for real spontaneity.

That doesn't give him a free pass... it just means the household "situation" could be a part of the road block. Id be curious to see how he respond if the situation was reversed... you at his place w/out kids or time restraints. One of the best things we did in that relationship was to take overnights out of the home... the first time we rented a hotel room ten minutes away. Sure... some might say it was a waste of money... but leaving the home meant leaving those issues behind... so like I said... id be curious to see how he responded when the pressures of being "caught" were not present.

As for not being able to get him off.. again... that can be a mental distraction.

Issues with libido and/or ED in men can be complicated... it can be as simple as a mental block or the summed result of many "small" things.

For ex... my drive is always strongest when I'm exercising. Being fit probably helps self image and confidence, and I just honestly feel more balanced with regular workouts. Take that away and there's a notch down. Men with ED/libido issues often respond well to exercise... it can help with blood pressure, hormone imbalance, mental self image, etc.

Also, mental blocks can slow me down. Went through a period of depression once after I had quit a job to do other work, just to have it fall through... a couple of months of scrounging for work drove me into a funk. Mentally I was distracted and libido bottomed out for a couple of months.

Good sleep can affect libido. Not just hours of sleep, but quality.

And on and on... my point is for me to maximize my drive, I need to do a lot of things "right"... some of them aren't much work, and some take some thought and planning. Its easy to be sloppy in life in many areas... and I tend to find when I take care of a few simple things the collateral benefit is real.

There's nothing magically good or bad about his age. Sure... the older I get the less "mystery" there is... in HS just a peek at a bra stap might invoke a steel piercing erection. Not that it doesn't interest me now... but some of that "mystery" is gone... a little. Is my interest in a lover less because I know how she kisses or tastes or I know her smell? no... but there is some element of the unknown that is diminished... happens to most of us in one way or another... different people just might deal with it differently. Physical touch (this doesn't mean sex alone) is a primary means by which I just naturally communicate with a lover. Id rather sit pressed next to a woman on the sofa than to be in that comfy recliner... most of the time. My ex... she was often the opposite. Just how we were wired differently.

Don't want to ramble on here more than this. Like I said... I wouldn't diminish the impact of mental distraction (hunting season? Kids? What else?) and other issues.

What I don't want you to do is to put "blame" on yourself for being "less girlie" or maybe a little "bigger" than some others. Personally, the sexiest thing a woman can have, for me, is confidence... the best lover I've had was a dust kicking hell raiser who wasn't as thin as many, but man... shed put you to the wall in a breath and demand you pay attention.

That worked for me. Maybe not all guys.

Sorry you are in this place. Like I said, id like to see how he responds when you two could have some real time alone... no hunting, no kids, no distractions. Easier said than done much of the time...