We have been dating about 3 years now, engaged almost a year. In August, talk of marriage, not detailed, but that it would happen. Last month or so, distancing himself, not interested in sex with me, just not the same. Tried talking a couple of times, got the jist that he loves me, but not in a marrying kind of way. Again, last night, talked and cried, he doesn't want to get married, can't make plans for the future because he doesn't see us together in the future. I'm at a loss for words! He cares for me and loves me, but not IN love with me. We have been through nothing but rough times since getting together, death of his mother, almost losing his father, his brother's death, financial failure, foreclosure, just to name a few things. Finally, the chance of at least a financial turnaround is here, and some pressures have been lifted.. . And now he wants out?? He can't give any reasons for why he doesn't love me enough, or in THAT way, to marry me. I've never thought we'd actually marry, didn't think he'd ever want to, and even though deep down I would love to, I gave up that it'd happen. I just wanted the relationship that a marriage is suppose to have, if that makes sense. What should I do? We are still "together", we live together, and I have nowhere to go and am unable to support myself. I'm not only speechless, but clueless.

He might be thinking that you would only be happy if he were to marry you. Sounds like you were able to get him as far as being engaged. Was this his idea? Why do you think you can't support yourself?

Even if you stick out the relationship now, it's bound to fail, because it sounds like his feelings for you have changed. He doesn't feel deeply enough about you to commit to a marriage. Marriage is a huge step and if feels that he cannot commit, then you're better off. At least you found out before getting married. Getting a divorce would be even messier.

I understand that you're in a tough situation, but the longer you keep him in your life, the longer it will take for you to recover. You need to go your separate ways to heal.

I think he was feeling like he owed it to me for all that we had been through at the time. I think he thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it was a GREAT effort on his part, and was content that he was at least feeling that marriage was a possibility or that our relationship was true. As far as supporting myself, I have no job, no form of income/support, and have been out of the workforce for so long, I can't even find a job online. My family lives a couple of hours away, but there's no room there and no jobs either. I feel stranded, hurt, and a mix of so many other things.

All the more reason why you need to get your life together first before worrying about a relationship. Focus on getting a job and maybe building a career for yourself. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost.

"I wish".. . I'm not in entire agreement with your response. I think he loves me and cares about me.. . Is marriage really that important? A relationship is more than a binding piece of paper. Marriage is not what would make me happy. I don't want to give up on this relationship just like that. I want a fair chance of it working out, now that some of the pressures have been lifted I think that we finally can give it a real chance, instead of holding on for dear life because of all the bad stuff we've come up against. I know you're response already.. .

Know anyone hiring?

If you think that he really loves you, then spend more time buliding a stronger relationship.

The concern I have is that if you had a choice, you would choose marriage. But you think that you're in love with each other, so you're willing to sacrifice and not have a marriage just to stay together. How much more are you willing to compromise? These are signs of a one-way relationship.

It's one thing to be in love with one another. But it's another thing to be a good match. You need both to have a successful relationship. Right now, it seems like you're the only one compromising, which means that you're not a good match. You're just sticking it out because you're in love. That doesn't sound healthy to me.

If you don't want the same things, regardless of your love for one another, then this relationship will fail sooner or later.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by speechless72

Know anyone hiring?

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Try this question in the job hunting section. This is the relationship section.

You might have to consider moving to another town or area. Some cities have temp services, you work at a job short term then off to a different one. (I am assuming you live in the 50 states correct me if I'm wrong) You could ask the county if there is a work program that you qualify for. Maybe there is a friend that could let you bunk until you got on your feet.
Nothing is impossible, just keep putting one food in front of the other.

No money, no move, no friends... sounds like no hope.

You had stated that he wants out. How long do you think you can stay where your not wanted? I don't think I could stand it. Sounds like you want to doom yourself to your situation. This, I think, is not attactive. I would leave soon with some grace and pride.

If I had somewhere to go or means of support, I wouldn't sound so doomed. But at the same time, I don't want to throw in the towel just when things are starting to turn around, getting the monkey(s) off our backs. I feel like we have not truly had a chance at happiness for all the negativity that has been thrusted upon us, one obstacle after another with no breathing room. Is that really wrong?

And this is what could have been keeping you together as well. Some people feel, in times of trouble, more secure with someone by their side.

One step at a time can get you in the right direction. Your still living there and it sounds like there still is some type of relationship even though he won't marry. Take this time to go out and find a job. Get established in the work force again. Find yourself. While doing this save some money for yourself. I see this helping in a couple areas. One being you won't be so dependent on him for everything. Another, what if the relationship does end? Now you have your own way of taking care of yourself and its not so scary.

Ask yourself this question. Are you trying to save this relationship because your scared, you have no way of taking care of yourself? If you didn't have to depend on him for a living would you be so willing to fight so hard for someone who isn't sure they love you?

How old are you both, and are there children involved.

I know that tough times can hold people together or push them apart, and even though we made it through, it wasn't easy and most times questionable. That's why I think that with things lightening up that maybe we'd have a real chance to be happy. Is that silly?
Sunflower.. . Thanks for your words. I have been trying to find a job with absolutely NO luck. If, say, I won the lottery (LOL) and didn't have to worry about support, I would still want to see this relationship through. Yes there would be less worry if I was to fly solo, but I know that there is something there, between us, that is worth fighting for or at least exploring. I'm unsure how to do either, or both.
Talaniman.. . We are both in late 30's, no kids of our own, he has a daughter

So what do you do all day?

Maybe going through all these hard times you were his shoulder and his rock. Could it be now that things are back on track and he is maybe thinking more clearly he is realizing your relationship isn't what he wants? Sure tough times can bring people closer. But maybe his tough times made him realize he wants more or something else. Sounds like he had tunnel vision for awhile with all the problems and he wasn't focused on your relationship at the time.

That kind of sounds like me and my ex ( broke up yesterday). We have been together for 5 years. And I love her.. but I just wasn't IN LOVE with her anymore. She had a lot of insecurities and trust issues which pushed me away. Talk to him and ask if something you do is bothering him. Good luck