I met a guy at a party and we hit it off immediately. There was an immediate spark between us so we went back to his place. I stayed the night and we had a really passionate, romantic night. It was completely magical. We didn't have sex however. The next morning we both had things to do so he asked for my number and I left. He texted me later that day saying what a great time he had. We then met up the next weekend to go on a date. We went to a restaurant to have dinner. This was my first date however though and I was extremely nervous and really stupid so when he was in the toilet, I called my ex to talk about how it was going. He came back when I was still on the phone and things went a bit downhill from there. I was sooo nervous that I didn't laugh at his jokes or anything. We decided to go to a bar. When we got there my friend was there (I didn't know she would be there) and she was really drunk. A group of us were having a conversation when suddenly my drunk friend lifts my dates's top up and strokes his chest. She giggles and he enjoys it and lets her carry on doing it. Later on, she asks him, if he's interested in me then why isn't he paying any attention to me?'. He turned around, eyed her and then said 'I think YOU'RE interesting' to my friend with a flirtatious smile. I then asked him about what he just said and he completely denied saying that even though I just heard him.
So we ended up going on a few more dates and things were going really well. However when he came to visit me for the first time, he asked me where my friend was and kept asking 'how old is she'? And stuff like that. He was making me feel really hurt and uncomfortable. I turned around and said look why are you even here with me if it's her that you want? I said do you like her? He said yes and that he would have sex with her. I said well why the hell don't you go and see her then. She's just down the road. He said he prefers me though. I then just stopped talking to him because I was uncontrollably angry. He didn't say he was sorry but just said I'll wait until you're not angry anymore. After a while he then apologised and said he didn't want it to ruin our day together but I'm not sure if he was genuine. I get the impression he only apologised because there was such tension between us and he felt obliged.
I feel sooo hurt and betrayed right now. Words can't describe. Is this normal behaviour for a man you're dating, to tell you that he wants to have sex with your friend? It seems so cruel. Or am I just overreacting? Things are going really well between us and the sex is great. He says I'm beautiful. I just can't understand why he would go and ruin it
By saying something like that. I have begun to notice already that he's incredibly jealous and doesn't like me hanging around with my male friends. Is this his way of getting back at me or something? Why would he do this? Does he care about me whatsoever?

You're looking at this the wrong way, and not entirely fairly. I understand your anger/frustration, but a mature respect for the situation means you have to look at things from his side, too.

The night of your first date, your friend came on to him. She DID. You know that. Young men are sexually freakable. What you described her doing to him guaranteed she would get stuck in his mind. GUARANTEED. It's perfectly reasonable.

And based on how things weren't going perfectly for you two that night, his response is even more natural.

But he continued to date you. (With images of sexy friend floating in the background the whole time.) He tried. Truly.

Confronting people will often get you the lies you seek. This guy didn't lie to you when you confronted him about his interest in your sexually forward friend. He answered truthfully and let you handle your own reaction to it.

You asked the question, then you want to get mad because you don't like the answer? OK. But I warn you, that sort of stuff doesn't fly long-term.
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DATING TIP #431: Don't ask questions you already know the answer to... especially if you don't want to hear the answer out loud. People often lie when pressed directly on uncomfortable topics, so you may force someone into a lie they wouldn't normally have to give. Be careful here.
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Anyway, the betrayal and hurt you're feeling I guess seems reasonable to you, but I caution you that you are JUST dating. There is no commitment here, so the betrayal is minimal at best.

This guy may be more honest than you're used to, and even when he eventually apologized which I bet he meant, I'm sure he WAS sorry you got hurt) you didn't really want to hear it. So how can a guy win with you?

If all you want is to hear pleasant responses that make you out to be the winner in all situations, then be prepared to be lied to. There are plenty of men who would just praise you to heaven until you sleep with them.

This guy seems more down to earth. Maybe you should step back and give him a break. You are just dating, right?

And since you're just dating, it's perfectly OK to decide you two aren't meant to continue without all the added melodrama of pain and betrayal. It is possible to just acknowledge incompatibility, wish each other well, give him your friend's phone number, and part on good terms.

Become enemies is not the only way out. Whether the sex is great or not, the relationship deserves to be judged honestly and calmly.

What do you mean by:

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But he continued to date you. (With images of sexy friend floating in the background the whole time.) He tried. Truly.

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Do you mean he is only dating me to get to my friend? Do you think he actually likes me or is he using me to get to her? He must have liked me to approach me first at the party right?
Also you say that this guy didn't lie to me when he answered however he lied to me when he said that he never made the comment about finding my friend interesting even though I clearly heard him. He also comments on women walking down the street sometimes and says he would like to have sex with them too or they're cute etc etc :(

Guys can be clueless like that... I am always dealing with the same problem as you - I also have an attractive friend, people say we are both attractive, and many times guys got confused between the two of us (approached one of us but ended up also flirting with the other). My friend, like yours, also likes to flirt with my guys, which I hate and which recently led to a big argument. Guys are ambiguous like that, so our best bet is to hope that we can trust our friends not to go after guys that we like!
Your guy should never admit to wanting to have sex with your friends, or with other women in the street. We all know they would do it... but at least they shouldn't tell us in our faces. That is disrespectful, even if it's true. Some truths are better left unsaid.
I honestly would not trust your guy after all that. Chances are that if you break up with him, he'll seek out your friend. It's a tough situation to be in... It's up to you if you can handle hearing him talk about other women... I don't think I could. But maybe you can have a conversation with him, and tell him that you'd rather not hear all that stuff, that it makes you very uncomfortable... and hopefully he'll stop being that open. I'm sure he likes and finds you attractive... but he sounds like someone who wouldn't hesitate to jump on someone else, given the chance.

Soraya, your post is completely sexist and biased. Not all guys go around thinking that, so do NOT lump us all into that category. That would be like one of the guys saying "All girls just imagine themselves banging other guys"

Now, this guy is obviously a player. He has all the classic signs of being one. You have to decide how much longer you are willing to be played

If you were a guy kirai , I would tell you to grow a pair and tell him to hit the road.

You're only dating and he already messed that up, how many warning signs do you want?

He obviously didn't feel the two of you were exclusive, and he was free to have sex with whom ever he wants. That may not be good behavior, but is typical of young guys.

You probably thought you had more going on with him than he did. He was honest, and showed his true colors early, but you ignored the signals, and now your hurt and angry. Now what?

Get over this, and take a lot more care next time. He only took what you willingly gave him. And will do it again.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Soraya, your post is completely sexist and biased. Not all guys go around thinking that, so do NOT lump us all into that category. That would be like one of the guys saying "All girls just imagine themselves banging other guys"

Now, this guy is obviously a player. He has all the classic signs of being one. You have to decide how much longer you are willing to be played

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LOL, I didn't mean to be sexist or biased! I just spoke from my own experience. I have yet to meet that guy who approaches me, and stays focused on me while my girlfriend flirts with him! I don't like it any more than you do, but that's the sad reality. I suppose I have been meeting the wrong kind of guys all along then.

Thank you so much for your responses guys!

You said Romefalls:

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Now, this guy is obviously a player. He has all the classic signs of being one

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Just out of curiosity, what are the classic signs of a player? I think I know some like for example he is a self-professed lady lover and he won't show me his phone etc. But on the otherhand, he has also had a serious of long-term relationships in the past i.e. longer than a year or 2. So how can you spot a player? Or alternatively an insecure guy who's trying to big himself up?

Not showing the phone
Texts or calls that he will hide or say "I don't know" to who it is(more than a few times)
Says he will call but doesn't(more than a few times)
Basically anything that they do that makes your gut sit uneasy... Usually follow it

Soraya, I can completely relate to you haha. I hate it when guys seem interested in you and then switch their attention to your friend. It drives me mad and makes me angry with my friend. They should know better though really than to flirt with a guy that I've already made my mark on :)

She is not your friend, and he is not your man, mark or not.

Threads merged

Hey. I feel like I'm in a really grey area with this guy at the moment. We've broken up a few times but always end up back in the same place, sleeping with each other and not knowing where we stand. This is like the third time now this has happened. We slept with each other again recently and spent a whole weekend together. He paid for everything. It was great but yet again I don't know where I stand with him. He wants me to go and visit him on Valentine's Day but I'm finding this situation to be a big mess and too confusing. I can't help feeling like I'm a booty call.
So, how do I approach this guy and tell him about my feelings without scaring him off/sounding accusatory etc. I just want him to open up to me and be completely honest about what he sees me as. What's a good way of doing this?

Advice from guys themselves would be great! Also, the exact words I should say/text him if possible :)

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Originally Posted by Kirai

I can't help feeling like I'm a booty call.

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This sums up your entire post right here. I truly think this is all this is. You shouldn't have to explain to someone your feellings, and be scared doing it. Frankly, having sex without any other emotional attacment is nothing but sex... booty call. Perhaps you two should work on that emotional attachment before you jump straight into bed with him. You are playing right into this as well...

As a guy, this is a perfect situation actually. If a guy can get laid with no other strings attached, I am sure he is happy. In my case, I find it more appealing to take it slow, enjoy one another's company, and let things develop from there. If you aren't interested in just being some random sex object, then you need to tell him where you stand, otherwise this ain't going to change. If he can't handle it, then so be it, at least you stand by your morals.

Best to just tell him what your wanting from this relationship and what your expecting, or woul dlike to have. Whatever you do- don't get in bed with him, till the situation is cleared and sincere

Remember, guys are not the open talkative types like girls are. A guys emotions are suppose to be hidden according to society. The only thing a guy will open up to is free sex. So as you said you are simply a booty call for him when he can't get laid anywhere else. Tell him that door is closed and locked until you both understand where this relationship is going. I suspect he will no call anymore after that. But at least you will have your answer.

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Originally Posted by 450donn

Remember, guys are not the open talkative types like girls are. A guys emotions are suppose to be hidden according to society. The only thing a guy will open up to is free sex.

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What society do you live in? We aren't in the 40's or 50's here. As far as I understand it, guys are expected to be more compassionate and caring nowadays. Yes, there are certain things some guys don't want to talk about, just like there are certain things some girls don't want to talk about. I am a guy who carries my emotions on my sleeve for the most part, which isn't really a good thing all of the time.

This particular guy seems to be open to the idea of an easy booty call... that isn't every guy in general. Also, maybe it is an issue of poor communication that is holding this back from being anything more than sex. The problem is, guys cannot read the minds of women, so if you don't speak up, how in the HEK are we supposed to know something is wrong...

Carry on... :cool:

Why do you keep completing the same pattern with guy? It doesn't matter if he paid for it or didn't. You are setting your ownself up emotionally.

If your having sex with him you shouldn't be afraid to talk to him because after all your're having sex.

I not even should if this guys wants anything more and might just be comfortable in his current position with you.

When your in a relationship with someone your share things. You share secrets, talk about your childhood, and future together. This guy might not have open up to you because he might not feel anything towards you but sex. People knows if anything is going develop into something and he might not feel what you want him to feel.

So in a nutshell you can talk to him about your feelings but don't get upset if the outcome isn't want you want to hear. Before you've sex with someone know your position before hand.

Stop having sex, and see whats left. Then you won't have to talk to know where you stand.

Stop sleeping with him - seems all he wants from you !