Ask Me Help Desk - Dumper No Contact

No contact

Hi guys. I was in a relationship for half a year, it was long distance. The girl broke it off without a detailed explanation and on the basis of a mere "feeling" that we weren't compatible for the long term. She was heartbroken and crying over the phone. We had seen each other at least monthly, for weeks at a time, over the past few months, so I don't think distance was the problem. I was a gentleman to her and she said that nothing I did caused the breakup, she said she placed me and the relationship in a special league etc. She wanted to be friends and thought of my as a "best friend" (which after having an intimate relationship, really hurt hearing that).

Since the beginning of the break up phone call, I told her I could not be friends with her right then, but could foresee it some time in the future. She texted me a few days later telling me she was thinking about me and then called me wanting to talk. This second phone call I told her that I wouldn't contact her and she should only call me if she wants to restart the relationship. Otherwise I can't be there for her to "let her off easy" so to speak. It has been almost three weeks of no contact. But now I am beginning to have second thoughts. Her birthday is coming up and I feel like I should contact her, at least a text to let her know I care. But my rational mind says no. Suggestions, thoughts?

Don't do it. You did the right thing by telling her not to contact you unless she wants to restart the relationship. You've made your position very clear; if she gets upset about you not telling her happy birthday, that's her problem.

You've already started the healing process , if you contact her you go back to square one.

Go with your rational mind. Acknowledging her birthday will mean your ready to be friends, and is that the message you want to send? Stay NC, and let the healing process work.

Yeah, don't mess with her mind. You made it clear that you don't want her to contact you unless she wants to restart the relationship. You don't want to look like a hypocrite now.

Stay on course until you have healed from this break up.

She called back after this posting to see how I was doing, but I didn't return vm. Really hurts to hear her voice and I was tempted to call, but instead sent her an email restating my NC rule (but left the door open in case she wanted to try the relationship again, having been there I believe in giving people one more chance) thanks for all your help guys.

Stick with NC and avoid those e-mails, you are only going to prolong the hurt, pain and confusion

Quote:

Originally Posted by EienMalcolm

She called back after this posting to see how I was doing, but I didnt return vm. Really hurts to hear her voice and I was tempted to call, but instead sent her an email restating my NC rule (but left the door open in case she wanted to try the relationship again, having been there I believe in giving people one more chance) thanks for all your help guys.

I know you want to keep the door open, but you already told her that. You don't really need to remind her so many times. Stick with the no contact and continue the healing process. You need to recover from this experience, not continue to wait for her. Otherwise, like Rome said (had to spread rep)... you're going to prolong the pain.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EienMalcolm

...... explanation and on the basis of a mere "feeling" that we weren't compatible for the long term.

She said you're not compatible and that means she's not happy on what you have. It's a waste of time to keep on looking back. Save your text message.

If you are ready to be friends with this girl, then call her on her birthday.

If not, then you are only inviting more pain to yourself.

Look at my posts, I am in the same situation. I broke NC yesterday after 2 days I gave into her stupid attempts to boost her ego. I feel HORRIBLE it was a worst night than the night I found out she left me for "space" aka "another guy".

Today was day 1 again, so if you break it, come back to this post and tell me how much you relate and how horrible you feel. Buddy you don't know me but I'm really struggling with you and have been there. Silence speaks louder than anything you can possibly say to her.

Also wanted to add, I was in a relationship a couple years ago where I learned about no contact. My girlfriend was goooooood at that. Months later she became friends and I thanked her for being able to resist my pitiful calls and emails. It made me so much stronger and healed sooo much quicker.

This time it's a lot harder lol but my point is no contact is the only way. She doesn't need to be reminded she can come back. She dumped you and knows your still there. As for friendship? Give it months to a year man. Otherwise you're going to get hurt and end up back on here and I want to see you be happy man!

I think you should just wish her because you have already made yourself clear...

Dumper No Contact

Threads merged

Briefly:

Girlfriend was hot/cold, "confused" etc. She ended LD relationship first time after half a year, I did pure No Contact, we both dated other people, she asked for me back. I gave her second chance, after a few months she started same behaviors again and being hyper-vigilant the second time around, I ended it pre-emptively so as to not go through "being dumped" process again. When I ended it this second time around, girlfriend acknowledged same problems (i.e. hot/cold, confused), but asked to be friends. Since I was not emotionally attached as much, I said sure. She contacted me 95% of the time after that point. I replied politely. She flirted in her communication with me, hinting at getting back together but saying she needed space to figure things out. I know she forwards my email responses to her friends.

Then, I saw pics of her being intimate with old ex on social networking site (saw it on mutual friends site, she doesn't know I saw it) and deleted her email addy/phone number. Decided to ignore her completely since "being friends" was keeping me emotionally connected. However she continues to contact me to see how I am doing and gets info from mutual friends about me. Her emails are still semi-flirtatious. Also, I have very good relationships with her friends and family which I do not want to sabotage. They all know she has issues and like me.

QUESTION: At least for now, I am not seeking a relationship with her and want to move on but in a healthy, decent way. As dumper, what's the healthiest option: should I 1) continue to ignore her attempts at communication (rude... and potential of sabotaging relationship with mutual friends since ex may badmouth me) 2) email her with quick, unemotional, polite, and terse response (in which case she may be badmouth me again about being rude) or 3) email her and say don't contact me, being friends isn't working out (in which case, I don't want her to think I'm emotional about it, nor do I want to give the whole thing that much importance).

No contact at all is most efficient.
Ask your friends to not tell you anything about her and not to tell her about you and your life.
Ignore the possible badmouthing-your true friends won't listen to this.

Let her know you thought being friends was doable but you realize it's not working. Wish her well and tell her you're moving on with your life.

Isn't she's the dumper if she ended the relationship?but you have a good attitude and want to move on which is better than hoping for any signs from her.
Stop engaging with her,a lot of people want their cake and eat it too,that's what she's doing with no intentions for anything real.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vivia12

Isnt she's the dumper if she ended the relationship?but you have a good attitude and want to move on which is better than hoping for any signs from her.
Stop engaging with her,alot of people want their cake and eat it too,thats what she's doing with no intentions for anything real.

Thank you. Yes, at first. And then second time, I ended it pre-emptively - but my reasons for ending was due to her starting up her old hot/cold behavior.

I tend to be a decent human being and whens someone wishes me well, irrespective of who they are, I try to acknowledge their well wishes.

It may not be the wisest course of action here. Just trying to figure out how to get that across to ex.

She may be using you as a back up but you need to be honest with her if communication isn't healthy. I read somewhere that dumpers really don't make great friends not if they lied,cheated or deceived you. Also no one said you have to respond to all of her contact. In your case its not being rude,you said interacting with her keeps you connected. She sounds a bit self absorbed to me,why listen to her talk about new guys she's interested in when she didn't want to make it work with you. Maybe you're understanding but not I. Can't do it.

Busy, and unavailable works for me, and personally, I really don't care what she says, as any friend of mine knows me better. I think most people can see through such juvenile behavior.