My wife and I are having a rough time with the economy. I work in construction, which has been horrible in the past year, and she has a good job with the gov. Because of this, she has had to go back to work, full time,( to a job she doesn't like) after the birth of our second child. ( She is the one with a steady income and health insurance). Now she has feelings of hostility,jealousy and who knows what else towards me because she feels that she should be home with our kids. Now that she has been back to work a while it seems to get worse by the day. I feel like she has no respect for me,doesn't trust my judgement with the kids,and doesn't find me attractive or masculine. This might be me reading too much into it or putting myself esteem issues into the mix. The stress of our schedule has also been a problem, when she gets home from work,I leave immediately if there is a job I have to go to. We are both working double-time because of the children, (both of us agree that daycare is not an option). As a result, I work on her days off, and sometimes on Sundays, so we have no time to spend together and if we did it would probably end up bad because we don't seem to get along anymore and we argue about almost everything. I can't think of a specific question to ask, Im just looking for any advice about my problems before it comes to a divorce, (which she has suggested). I keep telling her we need to re-connect. I know I haven't given up on us , Im just hoping she hasn't either. Obviously, a weekend away or whatever,(without the kids) isn't going to fix our problems but it would be a good start... right? She won't go without them though,she doesn't want to be away from them. I could go on for ever... so much more... sorry about the length.

I don't agree that daycare is not an option, although expensive, children learn so much from being with their peers. Learning how to socialize is so important to their development. It actually strengthens the bond between parents and children. Getting together again for a weekend, all of you is so much more satisfying and the children have so much more to contribute to the conversation that is so gratifying.

A weekend away, yes, of course. She will have to cut the strings sooner or later, although you don't say how old the children are. Are they all your natural children ? I mean is it a blended family from divorces ?

One step at a time. Daycare first, then a weekend away, break it in gradually. I don't know what she will do when they are in school and she is separated. Same thing, is it not ?

At the same time, there are getaways that include the kids, only separate events for them whereby the parents are able to spend time together. If that is affordable for you, that would be a wonderful idea and solve one problem.

Tick

When you are struggling to make ends meet, when your wife is unhappy that she needs to work and spend time away from your children, I don't know how wise it is to suggest you spend the money on a weekend away, just the two of you, no kids. If I were your wife this would convince me that you don't hear a word I say about the money situation OR the kids.

A weekend away is also not going to change her opinion that you are neither masculine nor attractive.

If she has mentioned/suggested divorce it is time to look into counselling before it's too late. It sounds like this has gone beyond the "we aren't getting along" stage.

Were there other issues or did all of this start when your income dropped and she had to go back to work?

I think this is difficult on both sides of things - she apparently expected to stay home or perhaps work part time until are raised; you expected to always have an income which would enable her to do just that. Suddenly the rug is pulled out from both of you.

If you can't talk to each other, come up with a united front, then you MUST find a third party. Perhaps there are issues, perhaps not.

I'm sure the entire situation is difficult for your ego. I don't think that's unusual.

Times are rough - a lot of people are going through exactly this.

I don't know about your self-esteem, but I have kept jobs I detested for the sake of having an income for the family. For medical reasons I have always been the only income and we survive.

Her hatred for her job is bleeding into the relationship, it sounds like. Have you considered getting into a support job, like window manufacturing or sales? The money may/may not be as good, but regular schedules help lessen the stress.

If you get a steady schedule, maybe she won't hate the job/situation/you as much.

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Originally Posted by tickle

I dont agree that daycare is not an option, although expensive, children learn so much from being with their peers. Learning how to socialize is so important to their development. It actually strengthens the bond between parents and children. Getting together again for a weekend, all of you is so much more satisfying and the children have so much more to contribute to the conversation that is so gratifying.

A weekend away, yes, of course. She will have to cut the strings sooner or later, although you dont say how old the children are. Are they all your natural children ? I mean is it a blended family from divorces ?

One step at a time. Daycare first, then a weekend away, break it in gradually. I dont know what she will do when they are in school and she is separated. Same thing, is it not ?

At the same time, there are getaways that include the kids, only separate events for them whereby the parents are able to spend time together. If that is affordable for you, that would be a wonderful idea and solve one problem.

tick

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They are having financial difficulties and she has turned resentful because she is away from the children and HAS to work. I don't see that cutting the strings/day care enter into the equation. She's at work - it doesn't matter if the children are at her/their house OR in daycare. Right now he's not working - let him watch the children and they can save some money.

I don't know who will pay for daycare (which is not cheap!) or the weekend away. Financially, same with a vacation including the kids - who is going to pay for it?

Again - she resents him because she HAS to work to support the family. She doesn't find him attractive or appealing - a weekend away is not going to change that, at least in my eyes.

You see this another way?

Thank you all for your responses. And to give a little more info... No, I don't think this has all started with the financial issues, that might be the proverbial straw,but I remember her saying that I have not changed since we have had the girls. She said that she hoped I would change. Our two girls are: turn three in January, about to have first birthday in November, both of which are our natural children. I think that she expected some great change and it didn't happen so she was let down, by the way she has always said she has high expectations and doesn't like to be disappointed,which I do a lot. I have noticed a change in her though, and I don't like it... She has always been a bit extreme when it comes to certain things, but now its a lot worse... She doesn't like me out driving around with the girls, even if its to come visit her at work, she says if you don't HAVE to be out on the streets than why would you? As far as cutting the strings... our older daughter still sleeps in our bed and has done so since she was about six months old. Also, as far as school, she has mentioned home schooling them. As far as getting another job to help out, I am not opposed to that at all. The only problem I see is that if I do that, how would I ever be able to find the time for the few customers I do have and any new people who have called about my contracting business that I'm trying to keep afloat on the already limited time schedule. By the way people, Im not trying to place all the blame on her... I know I have a temper,I'm stubborn as a mule, I raise my voice,(which is her biggest complaint) and I don't listen to her. She also says that when I answer her or talk to her it sounds like I hate her so much,( or are so irritated with her)in the tone of my voice. Again, thank you all for your input,I really do appreciate all of your answers. A quick sidenote... I have just started to learn all this computer stuff (other than playing a video game on someone else's) about the web and everything. I mean we have always had one but my wife always went online,looked up stuff for me etc... because I am not very patient to sit here like this. So there's a little example of how stubborn I really am.

Have you tried letting her stay at home, and raise your kids, and making a plan to live within the budget of one working partner?? Finances are rough all the time. But a plan can give you some structure.

It seems you are in a catch 22 situation. Damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

First of all I have to say that having your daughter in bed with the two of you at any age, is not a good idea, not good for your intimacy together and not good for your daughter. She has to be out of there, but given your relationship, the way you explain it, I don't think you wife is going to take lightly to you suggesting otherwise.

I go along with tal's suggestion regarding her home with the kids, you out working your butt off and trying to keep up with new clients. I can't see any way of a happy medium otherwise. Can you not work toward that option and sit down with her and discuss a new plan.

It seems like throughout your post, your wife does not want to let these girls out of her site and even home schooling ? Surely a good idea in many ways but it doesn't get them out to deal with social situations with peers, does it. Very important to learning how to deal with ongoing years. They need the social aspect of school and friends.

I get the feeling and please don't be offended, that there is an underlying reason for her not wanting the girls in the car with you. Is she just paranoid naturally, does she have some personality issues going on, or is there something else?

Tick

Marriage takes work.

Your children are a priority but so is your marriage.

Your wife sounds overprotective of the kids and you can not make your children your life and expect that your marriage will somehow just work out on its own.

Worst case scenario is that the overprotected and coddled children end up kids of divorce.

Also,coddled children tend to be spoiled and that is a great disservice to any child.

Your world should not revolve around your children.That would entail putting your life on hold for the next twenty years or so.

There has to be a balance.A happy child is one who has happy parents.

One day the nest will be empty and you will look at one another and realize you have become two strangers whose only connection was raising children together.

In regards to your finances,simply cutting out a few luxuries a month can change your from struggling to hopefully getting by.

No pizza deliveries for one month.Check for a cheaper cell phone plan.Turn down the thermostat and or air conditioning.
Skip the salon appointments or find a cheaper place.
Sell items in your home that you don't use.
Don't rent movies,get them from the library.

You may need to change a lifestyle you have become accustomed to but you may find that by simplifying you are enhancing your life.
The list is endless and you could save hundreds of dollars a month.

I would take that saved income and insist that she attend counseling with you.

Many pastors are well versed in marriage counseling and will do so for free or a nominal donation to the church.Check it out.You may not even have to be a parishioner.