Ask Me Help Desk - In concern with my daughter's father and my having complete custody.

My daughter is getting ready to turn 1 in a week. I have read in a pamphlet at the courthouse that after a year of having no contact from a parent, that parent surrendors their rights. Being that I have not heard from my daughter's father since I was 3 months pregnant, other than hear say, it has been well over a year since he has known, and still has yet to make an effort to see her.

Now, people may have their opinions about this, but I am at the point where I do not want him to change his mind because my daughter and I have a good life established alone, and I have made peace with being alone in this. He has made it clear that he does not want to be in our lives. How can I insure that she is only mine and I will not have to worry when I am ready for someone that I marry to adopt her. I have not asked for nor received any sort of help from him. Do I need to take this to court in order to insure my complete custody of my daughter?

Basically, I just need to know what steps I need to take to protect us.
Thank you.

I think you need to reread that pamphlet and also let us know where you are located (general area like state, province and country).

I suspect the pamphlet says something like the parent MAY be deemed to have surrendered his rights. Only a court can grant a TPR and courts are VERY reluctant to do so. Generally they will only do so to clear the way for an adoption.

Sorry to disappoint you, but I doubt if a court will terminate his rights just because you haven't heard from him for a year. But if you want to try, contact a lawyer to help you prepare a request for a TPR.

Where did you pick up the pamphlet and what exactly does it say?

If he is a danger to your child then end the possibility of visitation now by going to Court and proving he's a danger.

What are you doing concerning support for the child?

I am concerned that you want the child to be "only yours" (mine). This is a child. She is your child but she does not "belong" only to you. It's not about ownership.

I am sorry, I just did not know how to word it. The man is an alcoholic and I have noticed a lot of girls getting eaten alive on here for being with men who have issues with addictions.

It is not that I want to be selfish. I just want to give her stability and I don't want her to have to deal with him jumping in and out of her life. I could handle him breaking my heart, but not him breaking hers.

As for the pamphlet, if I remember correctly it was the Parenting Time on that I picked up in May at the courthouse here in Southern Indiana.Tomorrow I will go and pick another one up to make sure.

Well, here in Indiana that just simply isn't true. (at least not the way you interpreted it). First off if he has been gone since you were three months pregnant then he wasn't around to sign the birth certificate which means at this point he isn't even the legal father. Second, you need to go to court to have a DNA test ordered so that he can be added to the birth certificate and a support order can be issued... yes, he can request visitation but at this point if he really doesn't want to be involved then he won't take advantage of his visitation either. Third, you can't have your spouce (whenever you get one) until there is a father to relunquish rights or that the judge can terminate rights to award them to your spouce. So, you see, while you have come to terms with it you really need to get all of this straightened out because it will only be harder the longer you wait.

Quote:

Originally Posted by single_mother

I am sorry, I just did not know how to word it. The man is an alcoholic and I have noticed a lot of girls getting eaten alive on here for being with men who have issues with addictions.

That's not an accurate statement. It is true that we get a lot of females here that make the mistake of having sex with someone and becoming pregnant and then complaining about how much a monster that person is. In such cases, we have to wonder either how bad the father was for them to sleep with him. Part of the reasons for that, is that other females may browse this site and read these stories and then think twice about jumping into bed with some guy, until they know a lot more about them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by single_mother

I am sorry, I just did not know how to word it. The man is an alcoholic and I have noticed a lot of girls getting eaten alive on here for being with men who have issues with addictions.

It is not that I want to be selfish. I just want to give her stability and I don't want her to have to deal with him jumping in and out of her life. I could handle him breaking my heart, but not him breaking hers.

As for the pamphlet, if i remember correctly it was the Parenting Time on that I picked up in May at the courthouse here in Southern Indiana.Tomorrow I will go and pick another one up to make sure.

Maybe you can answer this for me, particularly because you brought up the subject. How did you end up having a child with this man who is an alcoholic and dangerous?

For that matter, how did you end up dating him and having unprotected sex with him?

I never understand this - the boyfriend is always an alcoholic and violent and the woman is always an unstable addict when it's over.

When I met him, he had it hidden. I became very much involved in his life. I was very happy with him because he seemed like a catch, being a single father going to school and working at the same place I did, and it was the liond of job not many men would take.

After having my life revolved around him, it became clear that he was a big drinker. When it became a problem I told him I was leaving, but he told me he needed me and to stay because I could help him. I don't know about you, but I am the kind of person who hears the words"i need you" and I will do anything to help. At least, I used to be.

After it became very personal and he started drinking again, I decided to go... but it was too late, I was already pregnant. I know I was stupid not protecting myself enough. But I do not regret having my daughter. She is perfect and the best thing to ever happen to me. My concern is her, making sure she feels nothing but love. I know that is a bit unrealistic, but if I can protect her from at least one person that would really be able to hurt her, I will.

Just to get this straight and for you to better understand the situation, I have not talked to him since he told me he was going to straighten up and be a part of her life when I was 3 months pregnant. After leaving our mutual job(3 months along) I only would catch a glimpse of him at walmart, where he never spoke to me. He even was told about her when she was born, and never came around. My thing is, we have accepted our life, or at least I have. I have built up a respectable life as a single mother and my daughter has everything she wants and needs. I never asked for money or anything from him. His name is not even on the birth certificate. I am worried that one day he will see her and realize what he did and want her. I just cannot have that. This is not a power trip or me trying to throw something in his face. It just is what it is and if he were to suddenly decide to be there for a small amount of time and leave again, I don't know how much that would hurt my daughter. My mother's father did that to her and she is forever jaded and bitter because of it, but I don't want my daughter to be effected by that.

There's no stupidity involved - we all make decisions we later live to regret.

I just never understand how people hide these problems but apparently they do.

I wish you well and very much appreciate your honesty.

Stick around, answer some other threads - you can very well be helpful to another women who is debating whether to go or stay.

You need to go back and reread my answer it addresses the same thing you posted about after I had already answered. Him not being on the birth certificate will only be a problem for you not him. If he wants to see his child all he has to do is go to court to request a DNA test and then you will look like the bad guy for not doing it sooner. He won't look like peaches and cream for waiting but his effort will look better than yours. So, please re-read what I had already said above and if you have additional questions then ask them. As for you protecting your daughter from at least one person... it won't be him if he want's his rights. The best move you can take is to get a lawyer and file in court for your DNA test, custody, and support (even if you don't want it you can put it in an account to save for her). Or, you can take your chances that he will never want to be involved (which he may not I'm not a psychic just know Indiana law).

Quote:

Originally Posted by stinawords

Or, you can take your chances that he will never want to be involved (which he may not I'm not a psychic just know Indiana law).

Out of greenies but LOVED this!