My little boy is nearly 5, and when he got back from playgroup yesterday, he asked me where 'daddy's mummy and daddy are?'. My 10 yr old overheard, and now is also questioning me about it.

My husband is estranged from his family, due to some very serious incidents when he was around 18 years old. His family were psychologically abusive to him, and when he plucked up the courage to stand up to them, they kicked him out and then set out on a 2 year tirade of abuse and harassment. He made many attempts to mend the relationship, but his parents were only concerned with manipulating and abusing him into doing exactly what they told him to do, and because he dared to disagree with them, they tried to make it impossible for him to live without them (he and I were threatened with a gun and attacked numerous times), so in the end he had to make the decision that they were not a part of his life he wanted anymore.

I always knew this day would come, but not so soon.
Benjy, my son, seemed quite confused and a bit sad when he asked me - apparently they had been talking about families at playgroup, and drawing up 'family trees', and the other children had two sets of grandparents.

I don't know how to have this conversation with him? How do I explain why we don't have contact with these people, without making him more upset?


Thanks in advance,
Ariadne

I think you could tell your children that they live far away or that they are unable to contact you from where they are.
Where do his parents live(same state? Different town?)?If it is far enough maybe you could even tell your kids where they are on a map. Give them as much neutral information you can about their grandparents. I don't think it would be a good idea to tell them the exact reasons, think of plausible reasons like being far away as to why you don't see them.

Or maybe you could explain to the ten year old that his grandparents and his father did not have a good relationship and it is hard for his father to be in touch with them.

You could even help them draw up a family tree with their grandparents included.
That way at least they know they exist even if they don't see them.

Hopefully someday your kids when grown up will come to know more truth about the situation and understand or even make a choice to re conciliate with them.


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The 10 year old needs to know more of the truth, that there are problems between the families and sadly at times people do not get along.

I believe kids need to know the truth, in levels depending on their age

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Originally Posted by firmbeliever

I think you could tell your children that they live far away or that they are unable to contact you from where they are.
Where do his parents live(same state? Different town?)?If it is far enough maybe you could even tell your kids where they are on a map. Give them as much neutral information you can about their grandparents. I don't think it would be a good idea to tell them the exact reasons, think of plausible reasons like being far away as to why you don't see them.

Or maybe you could explain to the ten year old that his grandparents and his father did not have a good relationship and it is hard for his father to be in touch with them.

You could even help them draw up a family tree with their grandparents included.
That way at least they know they exist even if they don't see them.

Hopefully someday your kids when grown up will come to know more truth about the situation and understand or even make a choice to re conciliate with them.


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The thing is, I don't want to lie to him, because I don't think that's the way to go.. but at the same time I want to satiate his curiosity and for him to just be able to forget about it.

There's no chance of him meeting them, and I would never ever want him to. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought long and hard about everything - the past, the future, and what was best for my child... and I actually went to see my in-laws. I told them I was there to try to create a loving family for my unborn child, but they are just as mad as ever. My mother-in-law wouldn't admit anything she had done, and kept asking me why I had treated her like dirt, and in the end, I had to just walk out, because she was losing control.

It is sad that some grandparents do not want to be an active part of their children and grandchildren lives.

For a child of five it would be hard to understand that you cannot re-conciliate with their grandparents, they need a believable reason.
The older one will be able to understand that some relationships do not work out no matter how much we wish.

I hope you are able to work out a good explanation which is not far from the truth for the little one.
Hopefully an explanation as he grows older will help him understand the reasons better.


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Quote:

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Originally Posted by firmbeliever

It is sad that some grandparents do not want to be an active part of their children and grandchildren lives.

For a child of five it would be hard to understand that you cannot re-conciliate with their grandparents, they need a believable reason.
The older one will be able to understand that some relationships do not work out no matter how much we wish.

I hope you are able to work out a good explanation which is not far from the truth for the little one.
Hopefully an explanation as he grows older will help him understand the reasons better.


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I talked to my 10 yr old about it this morning, and it went quite well, but she got quite upset - I'm not sure why, I think maybe because it's suddenly come up on her. We've never discussed it before, so it's all new info for her, and it's not very nice I suppose.
I had to go to work, so our conversation was cut short, but she asked some things that I was unsure how to answer: she asked how could my husband's parents stop loving him, and does he still love them, and also do her grandparents love her.

These are such awkward questions, especially with a young child. What should I say?

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Originally Posted by ariadne5

she asked how could my husband's parents stop loving him, and does he still love them, and also do her grandparents love her.

These are such awkward questions, especially with a young child. What should I say?

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I think it is quite normal for a ten year old to wonder why her father is not as close with his parents as she is with her own family.I am sure it is very hard for her to imagine not seeing her own parents the same way her father never sees his.

You can try explaining to her that her father did not stop loving his family,just that they could not get along and that he is not as close as she is with her mom and dad.
Explain to her that sometimes grown ups need time away because being together is too hurtful.

You must always try and emphasize that your daughter is loved by her family because she might assume that her grandparents do not love her and is staying away from "her".I think at that age kids presume that they might be at fault even if it is not .




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Are your parents active in your kids lives? Do you have "grandmotherly" neighbors or friends who babysit or visit the house? There are a lot of people in her life who can fill in the place their paternal grandparents should be. It might help to point out older family members or friends who play those roles for her.