Ask Me Help Desk - My husband has no sex drive whatsoever!

This is devastating to me! My husband hasn't had sex with me for years! Actually this has been going on for 12 years now. If I had to guess, I'd say we had sex maybe 10-15 times in the past 12 yrs. We have been together for 33 years. We love one another immensely and we have a rock solid relationship. Neither one of us has ever cheated. We just aren't like that so I know for certain that cheating isn't the problem. But what then? We get along great but I always have to be so strong and bury this hurt and try to go on everyday like all is normal. I almost can't do it anymore. I hurt so very bad. He doesn't even kiss me, cuddle or anything! He always says I love you though. (That just doesn't cut it) Years ago, he went to dr. after I said things about our lack of a sexual relationship. I guess I should mention that I am 52 and he is 65 now. I am certainly not unattractive. Matter of fact, I would say I am definitely more attractive than he is and I have kept myself more fit as well. I only say that so you get an idea of how we are. I love him for what he is and to me, he is attractive and wonderful! He claims it is his lack of a sex drive. He went to dr years ago but didn't follow through. He just dropped it and I guess we aren't to mention it. Well every so often when it builds up in me to the point where I want to cry my eyes out, I say something. He says bear with me, I'll make things right but he never does. Why doesn't he even want to cuddle with me? Why won't he kiss me with something other than a dang peck on the cheek? And even they are an after thought.
Recently he tried to fondle me but I know it was doing a "deed" rather than "desire". So I turned away. Oh my! Now he uses that as a defense. He says "every time I try to get next to you, you turn away". That is bogus. I want him to desire me. Apparently he doesn't. Can he possible love me as much as he says and want to be together forever and still not want me?? I feel like I have been sexually and emotionally abused. I don't think I can live like this forever. I am a woman with real needs, sexual and emotional. What do I do? One time I told him I may have to go outside our marriage to get my needs met and he only said, "I wouldn't blame you if you did." Does he actually WANT me to do that? Please give me any advice you can.

His hormones have tanked. He needs to see a doctor to find out the Exact issue, and it sounds like he doesn't really care that much.
He Wants to have sex, probably, but without the hormones to drive him, he just isn't able to. And, he's embarrassed. It has nothing to do with how great you look, it has to do with the lack of testosterone.

Lack of testosterone? I'm not sure, given that he's been like this for 12 years. Laziness and lack of interest in physical intimacy? Probably.

You've been together since you were 19 so I guess a certain amount of being taken for granted has occurred over the 33 years. Many marriages exist very happily with love and not much sex and many relationships exist with sex and not much love. One does not necessarily imply the other.

I'm uncertain why you would feel 'emotionally and sexually abused'. From what you say he loves you and means it. What is missing for you is emotional and sexual intimacy and the pleasure of knowing that he desires you. I can understand that.

Perhaps, given that he has expressed interest in 'making things right' you could suggest that you both go to couples counselling. Patterns like the one you're in with your husband can be difficult to break and no amount of romantic dinners, sexual techniques or plain old fashioned nagging will have any effect.

Counselling can help you both to understand the dynamic that's been created, and if necessary testosterone treatment can be prescribed.

The prospects may not be as dismal as you think - you do after all have a husband who loves you. Which is more than many women can say!

By your own comments this started with him at 53, he is now 65.

Many guys at 65 aren't going to be swinging from the chandeliers with a raging hardon yelling "I'm long dong Silver and I want my maiden to defile"

Testosterone does diminish with age... as well as other medical issues that compete to take away his drive or even ability to get an erection.

Is he diabetic? Does he have high blood pressure... etc... what medications is he on... even in a perfect world the drive will go down at a certain point for most guys. Then there are other minor irritants (to him anyway) that over a period of 33 years can conspire to extinguish the flame.

Whereas a woman past menopause (thus no fear of pregnacy)and whose children are out of the house might see an increase in her drive in some cases.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bronzebabe

His hormones have tanked. He needs to see a doctor to find out the Exact issue, and it sounds like he doesn't really care that much.
He Wants to have sex, probably, but without the hormones to drive him, he just isn't able to. And, he's embarrassed. It has nothing to do with how great you look, it has to do with the lack of testosterone.

Yes he has told me he has low testosterone. That I believe. It's just that he let things go when something was prescribed and didn't work immediately.
And you are right, I don't think he cares much nor how it affects me. I have been so very patient and hardly mention it. But gosh, it sure hurts not to feel "desirable"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemini54

Lack of testosterone? I'm not sure, given that he's been like this for 12 years. Laziness and lack of interest in physical intimacy? Probably.

You've been together since you were 19 so I guess a certain amount of being taken for granted has occurred over the 33 years. Many marriages exist very happily with love and not much sex and many relationships exist with sex and not much love. One does not necessarily imply the other.

I'm uncertain why you would feel 'emotionally and sexually abused'. From what you say he loves you and means it. What is missing for you is emotional and sexual intimacy and the pleasure of knowing that he desires you. I can understand that.

Perhaps, given that he has expressed interest in 'making things right' you could suggest that you both go to couples counselling. Patterns like the one you're in with your husband can be difficult to break and no amount of romantic dinners, sexual techniques or plain old fashioned nagging will have any effect.

Counselling can help you both to understand the dynamic that's been created, and if necessary testosterone treatment can be prescribed.

The prospects may not be as dismal as you think - you do after all have a husband who loves you. Which is more than many women can say!

Yes yes yes. We have both settled comfortably. Maybe too much so. Only thing missing from perfect marriage is some physical attention. But that seems like A lot right now. I didn't mean to say 'emotionally and sexually abused', I meant "lacking". Couldn't think of the right word. I don't nag, that's for sure. That's mostly because I have too much pride and hate to even mention it. I suggest counseling and he refused. He doesn't think a dr can do anything so he avoids going. I am more than grateful to have a man as I have and that still loves me after all this time. We are of the old fashioned variety I guess. "Actually I was 18 and he was my one and only man, "sexually". But I still find myself in this awful dilemma. I love him immensely as he is a part of me forever. BUT I need more and don't know what to do. Dang. I feel like his buddy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyLiz

yes yes yes. We have both settled comfortably. Maybe too much so. Only thing missing from perfect marriage is some physical attention. But that seems like ALOT right now. I didn't mean to say 'emotionally and sexually abused', I meant "lacking". Couldn't think of the right word. I don't nag, that's for sure. That's mostly because I have too much pride and hate to even mention it. I suggest counseling and he refused. He doesn't think a dr can do anything so he avoids going. I am more than grateful to have a man as I have and that still loves me after all this time. We are of the old fashioned variety I guess. "Actually I was 18 and he was my one and only man, "sexually". But I still find myself in this awful dilemma. I love him immensely as he is a part of me forever. BUT I need more and don't know what to do. Dang. I feel like his buddy.

I hear what you're saying! It sounds as if he's sticking his head in the sand and ignoring how the lack of emotional and sexual affection is affecting you.

Put your cards on the table and let him know that this is a deal breaker for you.

Relationships, good ones, are about give and take. If he really loves you and you tell him exactly how you feel about the lack of emotional and sexual connection, and that you want to go to a counselor, will he refuse again?

If he does, you need to make a choice. Can you stay in the relationship knowing that you are loved but with no sexual connection? Or, is it time to move on? Which is most important to you?

It may be that neither of you are prepared to compromise.

Step one is getting him to admit he has a problem... if you can't get him to do that then all is lost.