Ive been married just about a year now. My life from the outside seems perfect. I have a wonderful husband who says he loves me, a beautiful house,dogs,car,money,careers,and soon to have a new baby in our lives. My problem is my husband won't make love to me. When we were dating we were like rabbits, all the time it was great but after marriage? After marriage everything started to really slow down especially now that I'm pregnant. He is happy and thinks everything is fine, especially now that we are going to start our new family. I have spoken and questioned our lack of intamicy but his answer to that is he does not think we have a problem. OK but one time in about a 3 to 4 week period is just not healthy for a new marriage. Oh and by the way I'm always the one to initiate the intimacy. I ask him if its me and he says no. We have had many discussions abouth this topic but his respose is always the same. Im 100 percent sure he is not cheeting. We do everything together and he is always letting me know where he is at, even though he rarely goes out. Its so early in our marriage to have this problem I'm scarred what will happen in the future. What should I do now?

Is he maybe wierded out by having sex while you're pregnant? You're not the pregnant woman to come on here with the same question. It almost seems like it might be a common issue. Does that sound like a possibility to you?

He's in denial about it but it seems that he's overwhelmed with the responsibility of marriage. On top of that, fatherhood. Mostly, he's happy, but, part of him feels suddenly pinned down in a marriage, as wonderful as it is—and it sounds wonderful, a good marriage—but he didn't expect to get his libido deflated by the reality of this lifelong commitment.

If I am right (and I could be wrong) by being married you went from being his playmate to being his responsibility. There's nothing sexy about responsibility, at least to most guys. You might have made a similar shift about him, but you didn't do this; he did it in his head.

If I am wrong (and I could be right) it might be just that his unconscious model of marriage and how married people relate calls for infrequent sex. But I think I am right.

Fortunately, this is a temporary condition. He will either naturally mature into the place where he can head a family and be healthily horny, which means that you and he will be playmates again, or he will struggle with the process and get testy. Guys do that (blame someone else; get annoyed) when they refuse to face their truth. Women do that too. If that happens, don't take it personally, but stand up to him, firmly setting boundaries (establishing new levels of respect) but absolutely not counterattacking.By setting behavioral boundaries, you can be his playmate even when he is being a putz.

You can help both yourself and him by being as sexually playful as you feel like being, not complaining about your desire while still letting it out, talking about sex honestly and being diplomatic if he stays in denial, and being patient. Invite him; don't demand of him. This happens in many marriages, and people work it out. If you get nowhere in 3-4 conversations, recognize it as a stubborn problem and see a therapist together. If he won't go, go alone.


Tao

I think taoplr may be correct about your husband's mindset.

Does he have any interests outside the house and family that could help him feel less restricted or over-whelmed by his responsibilities? Friends, hobbies, sports, etc. It sounds like he may need other stimulation to keep him from over-thinking things (subconsciously) at home.

I am concerned about how he handles stress and problems in general at this point. Can you talk to him about other concerns in the marriage like preparing for the baby and what life will be like after the baby becomes a separate entity? I think some parenting classes as well as child birth and Lamaze classes might be a good idea. They can help with learning effective communication techniques.

If his issues are arising in part from the pregnancy and (for some men it is a big fear) thoughts of hurting you or the baby, you should be able to get your OB to answer any questions and fears he has. It might ease his mind a little at least and give you a place to bring up intimacy issues without seeming like you are attacking him.

Quote:

---

Soon to have a new baby in our lives. My problem is my husband won't make love to me.

---

How pregnant are you? Many guys find it hard to make love to a pregnant woman. Don't trip, understand.