Hello everyone... I'm hoping to get some input regarding an issue with my boyfriend...

The long and short of it is we've been together for over 2 years, have a good loving relationship with the occasional ups and downs of a normal couple. We've split up a couple of times in the past for very short intervals but have been able to work through it for the better.

We don't often argue - the problem is that when we do, he typically becomes withdrawn, doesn't want to talk anything through, and on more than one occasion has called it quits on the relationship on the spot. Normally once we've both taken some time and space to assess things, cooler heads prevail and we're able to work together on dealing with the issue at hand. I know him well enough to realize that he's acting out of anger and needs time to cool off, but still each time we go through this I'm at my wits end because I'm never certain whether this demand for space will be permanent, or whether this break up with be the one...

I LOVE this man - and I know he loves me. He is otherwise very kind and considerate, devoted, we're extremely compatible, and there are far more good qualities in our relationship than there are bad - I'm not ready to give up on him yet (unless this time he doesn't give me the choice).

I'm looking for some suggestions on what to make of his "game over" attitude, and how to deal with it more effectively. I understand that everyone handles their emotions differently, but I can't imagine how a person who cares about another can simply "turn it off" when an argument or disagreement upsets them. What gives?

Tell him how you feel about it. Obviously you two aren't really working out your problems in a manner that best suits you, so let him know that you wish to solve your differences using other methods. Then try to find a compromise.

Tell him that by him asking for a break, it causes a lot of insecurity and it's pushing you away.

Hi Knots- I will speak from my personal experience because your boyfriend sounds a lot like me in the past. Unfortunately if an argument gets too heated my defence mechanism is to walk away and if you don't let me walk away to cool off I've said plenty of times "fine then it is done". Not because I want it to be, but I've been pushed into a corner and you won't let me clear my head to cool down. My ex always wanted to clear the air right then and there, and not leave with anything unresolved.. I needed to do the opposite and take a few steps back because I felt nothing could be resolved when we were both so heated in the moment. I may be wrong, she may be- but either way it didn't work the way we argued.

Now.. first thing to do is when you are not fighting- discuss how you two handle your arguments. Talk about why it always comes down to breaking up, instead of just working it out. I can personally say now- it is NOT acceptable for him to break up/leave you every time you get into a dissareement/fight/etc. That leaves you with little security in the future, and always makes you feel vulnerable to losing the person you love. TELL HIM THAT. HE needs to know that it's not fair, and won't be tolerated. Some of the best relationships are ones where no matter how big the argument, you know the other person is not going anywhere and you will work through it. That is not the situation you are in right now. You did not mention how old you two are either.. maturity plays a HUGE role in mature arguments/fights.

With that- every relationship has its arguments/fights. AND a lot of them can be very healthy and productive.. only if you are open and honest and willing to listen to each other. Once one of you closes the doors and turns their back- it takes a different negative path.. try to avoid that. Really try and sit down with him, and not wait until the next argument comes up. As silly as it sounds, TALK about how to have a disagreement/argument in a health way.. and how to avoid the inevitable "Breakup" every time.. it will get old, and you will eventually get tired of it and never look back.

Thumper

Thanks Thumper - I appreciate you giving me some perspective on his side of things. For the record we're both in our 30s. I too am a talk it out here and now person, but I'm learning to try to tone that down and leave the ball in his court in these types of situations. It's extremely difficult to do that though, when each time it feels like this might be "it"... which is where I'm at right now unfortunately.

It's a big red flag when people deal with their issue by leaving the other partner hanging. While I understand walking away to cool off, which is good, I think his methods are to manipulate you and get his way. I don't think that's healthy, and your reaction to it is not either.

You worry, and are wanting him back, but what does that resolve as far as the real problem though? It does nothing but make you back away, and forget what the argument was about.

Look within yourself, and explain to me why you put up with this behavior, and being in love is no excuse.

Good question Talaniman, and one without an easy answer. Being in love with him aside... I suppose it comes down to seeing more good in him than bad. I don't think that when he does what he does he is deliberately trying to manipulate, however I agree that it is manipulative none the less. He has a history of coping with conflicts and emotional issues in this way (read: immature and ineffective). I'm not saying we don't have problems, but I don't feel that any of them are in any way deal brakers if we're able to work through them more effectively. I just have an extermely hard time getting through these so called breakups in one piece because I never know for sure.

Threads merged

Hello All... I've posted previously about an issue I was having with my boyfriend often calling it quits when the going gets tough. We worked it out the last time (and several times before that) but unfortunately... here I am again wringing my hands and talking myself out of calling / texting / emailing him after he's broken up with me once again.

I'll try to keep it brief... We've been together over 2 years.. get along great, love each other deeply, talk about plans for the future, best of friends etc. There's a pattern here that I can't get my head around... Sometimes it happens more spur of the moment during a disagreement because he's angry... Sometimes he holds in things that are bothering him until he gets to the point where he's questioning his feelings for me and the relationship. Then he gets into a state of mind where he feels that he isn't sure he sees a future with me and needs space etc (this can happen during the same week that he's been happily making future plans for us together). He'll tell me that it's over, but will acknowledge that he's not really certain whether he's making the right choice when I press the issue and try to talk it though with him. After he's had a few days to sort out his thoughts / feelings we usually work things through and once we're able to get back on the same page together, things are normally better than they were before it happened.

There are many more good times than bad, and he and our relationship are worth enough to me that I don't want to give up on him without a fight. I don't suspect that he is cheating or looking for someone else. I feel like this is some sort of commitment issue, or emotional issue, or a combination of the two. But I could really use another opinion here, and any feedback is appreciated...

He needs time to figure out if he deserves you. And you need time to figure out if you want to be taken advantage of and your heart thrown out in the street. If this were ME, I'd be out of there, and moving on with my life. No one deserves uncertainty in their relationship. He's supposed to be your rock, but instead it's rocky. Not good.

One day the pattern will be broken when things don't work out, or you get tired of waiting on pins, and needles, while he figures things out.

Seems to me that you saying things are better after you do settle things, is not completely true. If you can't resolve your issues by working together, and communicating, so you can define your boundaries, then you need to rethink what this relationship really means to you.

Quote:

---

Sometimes he holds in things that are bothering him until he gets to the point where he's questioning his feelings for me and the relationship. Then he gets into a state of mind where he feels that he isn't sure he sees a future with me and needs space etc (this can happen during the same week that he's been happily making future plans for us together). He'll tell me that it's over, but will acknowledge that he's not really certain whether he's making the right choice

---

If you can't encourage him to express himself better, your really wasting your time, and need to tell him so. Stop making excuses for his insecure bad behavior.

Knots--I say this a lot on this forum(since I believe this to be true,though God knows how hard it is for me to practise it at times!),everything ultimately boils down to a choice.At the end of the day,there are but two,in evey situation,though there can be a permutation/combination of those to generate(apparently)quite a lot of choices.

But when it comes to making a decision,its basically about path A or path B.

In your case--staying or walking.You'll stay because of certain reasons,like you love him,want a future with him,are compatible together,have good times and are generally happy--basically the positive things.

You'll walk because he puts you through these testing times which drive you crazy and give you cause to worry and hurt so much,because in tough times your relationship doesn't sound strong enough to withstand challenges,because a relationship isn't about breaking up every time there's an argument--basically the negative things.

Make yourself go through the acid test of choosing and try to stick to that choice.And always remind yourself that YOU made the choice,based on what seemed right,so there are no regrets.

It seems like you are the only one putting any effort when things get rough. Things will get rough in any relationship so don't blame yourself. If he can't deal with the hard times then he can't deal with you and YOU Shouldn't DEAL WITH HIM! Give him a taste of his medicine and let him feel his decision... You deserve better.

My ex used to do the same and what T-Man told me was very true and I think about it everyday... Sometimes even us knowing things are not good, we force them to be good just so we can keep the good times rolling. The truth is that it is never going to work. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work... not 1. Good luck!
Listen to the new Kelly Clarkson song "already gone". You will get it.

I can almost relate to this. I just broke up with my boyfriend and he had nothing to say. He never does. He doesn't like arguing because he thinks it won't change anything. It drives me nuts because always feel burdened to solve all the problems. But this time I can't, so we are split. If I don't have a partner that gives 100% to the relationship, I'm going to save my 100% for someone worthy.

Marilyn Monroe sums it up: "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."