My husband thinks I'm not attracted to him
The argument is recurring, getting old, and going nowhere, but I know I am attracted to him because when I am aroused - I want to be with him.
Here's the problem. We have been together for 5 years (minus a few months) and he was married once before - sexually active young and passionate about it. I am 10 years younger, abstained until I was 21, never had a really good relationship before and always was self centered because there was no one else to worry about but me. It has taken a long time to get me to enjoy sex as much as I do now, and I would not be considered adventurous, but I know I have the capabilities to try. Our sex life is damaged deeply because for years we have been having sex on my cues, when I wanted and if I were tired or distracted there was just NO way for him to get my attention, I would fall asleep or run off to the next room. This has given him a big complex - understandably - about my level of care and attraction to him. To me this hurts, because I know that I am attracted to him, even though its not a dreamy sort of attraction, I totally think his body and face and essence is good and there is a lot of love from both of us.
Talking about it makes him (and me) crazy because all I can do is defend myself about how I am attracted - when the reality is that if I am not already aroused on my own (and yes that's almost always from thinking about him - just only at certain times of my cycle it seems) that he can't get me to "roll over" and get interested.
Details:
We have sex maybe a handful of times a month -- like between 3 and 6 NOT enough for him but plenty for me.
I want to please him - like if he wakes up and wants to have sex I try to reciprocate but just can't get the feeling going "down there" to complete the task for me (he gets off fine).
I have had no luck getting to Orgasm in any position other than me on top.
I do have a little underlying self-consciousness about my body and my parts.
I don't love oral and I don't do it much - which upsets him too underneath it all since he ultimately would want to be more adventurous overall.
SO - Am I a selfish, repressed prude with control issues who is not attracted to him and somehow is blindly continuing a relationship that is destined to fail? (His argument)
OR - Am I a semi-normal female who needs to figure out how to become more sexually aroused more often and get interested in trying new things to prove she loves her man. (after five years if this is the verdict - I need to know what actions to take as I keep saying I am trying to fix it and I think I have made some progress)
I am very worried that this is eroding the foundations of our connection - I need advice of all kinds from all types of people - because I can't afford real counseling and truly want to fix this which has now become a trust issue since he's convinced I am lying about my attraction. He can't fathom that it could be normal that I am just not aroused at times, (when he feels bold enough to try to initiate he almost always gets turned down) and I feel normal and I don't want to hurt him any more so somebody tell me what's going on!