The argument is recurring, getting old, and going nowhere, but I know I am attracted to him because when I am aroused - I want to be with him.

Here's the problem. We have been together for 5 years (minus a few months) and he was married once before - sexually active young and passionate about it. I am 10 years younger, abstained until I was 21, never had a really good relationship before and always was self centered because there was no one else to worry about but me. It has taken a long time to get me to enjoy sex as much as I do now, and I would not be considered adventurous, but I know I have the capabilities to try. Our sex life is damaged deeply because for years we have been having sex on my cues, when I wanted and if I were tired or distracted there was just NO way for him to get my attention, I would fall asleep or run off to the next room. This has given him a big complex - understandably - about my level of care and attraction to him. To me this hurts, because I know that I am attracted to him, even though its not a dreamy sort of attraction, I totally think his body and face and essence is good and there is a lot of love from both of us.
Talking about it makes him (and me) crazy because all I can do is defend myself about how I am attracted - when the reality is that if I am not already aroused on my own (and yes that's almost always from thinking about him - just only at certain times of my cycle it seems) that he can't get me to "roll over" and get interested.

Details:
We have sex maybe a handful of times a month -- like between 3 and 6 NOT enough for him but plenty for me.
I want to please him - like if he wakes up and wants to have sex I try to reciprocate but just can't get the feeling going "down there" to complete the task for me (he gets off fine).
I have had no luck getting to Orgasm in any position other than me on top.
I do have a little underlying self-consciousness about my body and my parts.
I don't love oral and I don't do it much - which upsets him too underneath it all since he ultimately would want to be more adventurous overall.

SO - Am I a selfish, repressed prude with control issues who is not attracted to him and somehow is blindly continuing a relationship that is destined to fail? (His argument)
OR - Am I a semi-normal female who needs to figure out how to become more sexually aroused more often and get interested in trying new things to prove she loves her man. (after five years if this is the verdict - I need to know what actions to take as I keep saying I am trying to fix it and I think I have made some progress)

I am very worried that this is eroding the foundations of our connection - I need advice of all kinds from all types of people - because I can't afford real counseling and truly want to fix this which has now become a trust issue since he's convinced I am lying about my attraction. He can't fathom that it could be normal that I am just not aroused at times, (when he feels bold enough to try to initiate he almost always gets turned down) and I feel normal and I don't want to hurt him any more so somebody tell me what's going on!

I get the feeling that you just have a different view of sex than he does and you haven't fully discovered your own sexuality. It sounds like you have a belief that making love is a bedroom activity. It isn't.

Making love is all the kisses, hand holding, caresses, looks, playful comments, etc. that lead up to intercourse or nothing more than cuddling and enjoying the feel of each other's bodies. Foreplay begins in the mind and the mind is a wonderful tool to work with when it comes to sexual matters. You seem to be getting there with getting aroused while thinking about him. Try writing those thoughts down when he isn't around and giving them to him in love letters.

Allow yourself to use your imagination to build fantasies of what you would like to do with him and to him or for him to do to you. Fantasy is a wonderful way to try out an idea to see if you like it or something that might not be feasible in real life. Invite him into your fantasy worlds.

You haven't allowed yourself to discover your own sexuality... and to explore new things you might find to be a turn on.

Trust me... took me some time to get the wife to admit to her fantasies and through watching various types of porn together over a period. I rented differing types of movies to find what she liked in the privacy of our house. She was never comfortible looking through the catalogs at the video store.

Actually found out and sparked fantasies in her neither of us would have guessed before. Oh they won't be acted out on but since woman aren't as visual as men we can play with them fairly effectively. What they actually are are immaterial as you have to find what works for you and him... they may be the same, but they are likely different. With a range of possibilities it won't be dull.

Your imagination is an erotic organ.. and viewing various types of porn will expose you to most of what's possible out there.

Some women really get off on fisting and/or being fisted... others its strap ons... some like S&M , role play, snowballs etc... there is so much fun a married couple can have together that DOESN'T involve boring old missionary intercourse. Wife wasn't too keen on oral at first either.. but since I knew enough to give her mind blowing oral she knew how good it could be for the other person. The same goes for not jumping up to run and spit. Its not all about having to do the same old thing... but being open to trying new and different things. I figure you are mid 20's from your post... you are a few years from coming into your prime.

Seems to me like the first thing you need to do is co-ordinate what you do with what you say. You say you want sex, are attracted to your husband and want to be more adventurous. You then refuse sex regularly, won't try different things and complain when he challenges you about being interested.

Sounds to me like you want it all your way, because you think that your way is 'normal', and you want your husband to conform to your needs.

Life ain't like that!

First of all, stop refusing sex. He'll shut off completely because he sees this as rejection.

Secondly you don't have to be aroused to have sex. Often, for women, the arousal comes as you do it. So just do it, and get into it. It's really a mind set.

Thirdly, give the poor guy some oral - he'll feel like he's getting sexual attention and you'll feel less pressured to perform all the time.

Fourthly, stop talking and arguing about it - it leads nowhere.

Get out of the mind set that you must always be aroused and have an orgasm and try to enjoy the connection, closeness and love that you feel for your husband when you have sex together. Note the word 'together'. Sex isn't just about you, it's about him as well.

I'm sure that you do other things for him on a daily basis because you love and care about him, why wouldn't you give him the occasional BJ or have sex with him?

I don't think the issue is how adventurous you are in your sexual relationship - I think the issue is about being generous and loving with your husband - a good sexual relationship is not necessarily about techniques, it's about give and take.

You say you're attracted to your husband, then show him you're prepared to actually put some effort into thinking about his needs and giving more of yourself.

Thank you to all three --
Gemini - thanks for the reminder - it gives a good outside perspective from a woman who agrees with him and it feels like it rings true. I just hope I can stick to it. Any practical suggestions? It will probably be another day or two before he'll let me back into his good graces - he understandably feels like I am not to be trusted with his emotions right now. And of course then it will appear to be me again controlling things. When I told him it was my fault and that he deserves to be loved and cared for by me, he told me I had said that before- so the onus is on me to make an actual change. I try to repeat things to myself and change my attitudes, but I can never follow through for long before I up. I need to have some real tangible way to make this change, feel comfortable and make him trust that I want him to be the happiest he can be.

Thanks Smoothy for some concrete suggestions. I like to watch sexy movies with him. Frieda was great for instance. Not quite porn, but SO hot. I would be open to it. Yes I'm mid 20s. And I hope you're right and I can get some fantasy out there but all the gear seems a little intense. Fists scare me - honestly as I am relatively sensitive and being "prodded" from the wrong angle and can have horrible feelings from it - hence the sticking with missionary stuff out of fear. I never used to touch myself with him - and this year I became comfortable with that. I also have horrible cramps and become really nasty and angry from the pain for like a week out of every month plus almost 3 or 4 days on the following end because I am unwinding from it and exhausted... which is awful to do to someone, and I can't figure that one out either. But I asked a nutritionist friend who said to give up caffeine 2 weeks in advance and make some other changes in diet - so I'm trying that. And reminding myself to be gentle. Anyway --that unfortunately takes a bunch of time basically off the table for us since I am reluctant to do anything sexual until I am "back to normal". Is that something I should reconsider anyway? I mean sometimes I want to have sex when my cramps subside - and he's good with that - which I guess is nice of him, but again - its an example of when I want it. I am starting to feel pretty ty about my ways of dealing with him. In my head he's my partner - we do lots of fun things together and laugh and have fun, but this is the horrible part - hiding in the corner - ready to come out whenever there is another issue. He's not satisfied because I am selfish. UGH. I feel it will take a long time and a lot of work and of course I want to fix it all today because I hate that he feels this way about me. He's tried oral on me - and apparently he says that it has never not worked on a girl - and I can't get to the point where I feel comfortable letting go, I enjoy the feeling but I can't bring myself to the point of writhing or whatever and I want to make him feel like he can control that but he can't. Why?

Cat - thank you for understanding my sensitivities and giving me a pat and peptalk. See - we have a great amount of cuddling, hand holding, and adoration I feel, and for me that's my initial indicator of foreplay and often I want it to carry over into sex and I know he does too -- when its mutual it's easy -- and a lot of time I feel like he doesn't understand that that's where it starts for me, making it seem like sex is initated only by me, but that it was his involvement in that early foreplay which made me want to have sex in the first place -- making him technically the initiator. Or at least equal partner. So it's more on the big points where I am not in the mood that I have to make an attempt - as Gemini says - to overcome this and let him know I care ( like doing his laundry or bringing him his morning tea - which I always do - the little things). So instead of making those kind actions my way of compensating for not putting out properly in the bedroom - absolving my guilt so to speak even though it doesn't change his hurt feelings and fear of rejection by someone he loves - I need to get in there and make him feel good about me and himself. I am psyched to try that and I just hope I will remember not to slip up too much (but If I do I really have to remember not to get into a huge redundant argument about whether I hurt his feelings or not) because I am afraid the damage is becoming irreparable and digging out under other trust and happinesses in our lives...

I welcome more replies. Thanks for your concern, suggestions, and wakeup call respectively.

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Originally Posted by decemberdreamer

Thanks Smoothy for some concrete suggestions. I like to watch sexy movies with him. Frieda was great for instance. Not quite porn, but SO hot. I would be open to it. Yes I'm mid 20s. And I hope you're right and I can get some fantasy out there but all the gear seems a little intense. Fists scare me - honestly as I am relatively sensitive and being "prodded" from the wrong angle and can have horrible feelings from it - hence the sticking with missionary stuff out of fear. I never used to touch myself with him - and this year I became comfortable with that. I also have horrible cramps and become really nasty and angry from the pain for like a week out of every month plus almost 3 or 4 days on the following end because I am unwinding from it and exhausted... which is awful to do to someone, and I can't figure that one out either. But I asked a nutritionist friend who said to give up caffeine 2 weeks in advance and make some other changes in diet - so I'm trying that. And reminding myself to be gentle. Anyway --that unfortunately takes a bunch of time basically off the table for us since I am reluctant to do anything sexual until I am "back to normal". Is that something I should reconsider anyway? I mean sometimes I want to have sex when my cramps subside - and he's good with that - which I guess is nice of him, but again - its an example of when I want it. I am starting to feel pretty ty about my ways of dealing with him. In my head he's my partner - we do lots of fun things together and laugh and have fun, but this is the horrible part - hiding in the corner - ready to come out whenever there is another issue. He's not satisfied because I am selfish. UGH. I feel it will take a long time and a lot of work and of course I want to fix it all today because I hate that he feels this way about me. He's tried oral on me - and apparently he says that it has never not worked on a girl - and I can't get to the point where I feel comfortable letting go, i enjoy the feeling but I can't bring myself to the point of writhing or whatever and I want to make him feel like he can control that but he can't. Why?

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Well, the fist thing is not something you jump into... its an example of stuff many enjoy but even more have never thought of much less tried.

Rule #1 is you do need to learn how to let yourself go and get into the moment. After all if you can't do it with your husband in the comfort and seclusion of your own bedroom, then where can you?

That right there is a big part of your problem you describe.

As to the oral thing... its a really rare guy that does not totally enjoy this. And for the women reading this who thinks its an act of submission. Think about this... whole has their teeth around the most important and sensitive parts of the guys body?? Think about that a bit. You will see what I mean.

While a can sympathize over the cramping issues... though I've only dated one woman with those issues I do understand the reality there.

BUT here is a point I have learned as well. Mental diversion works wonders in cases of pain and discomfort. Have you ever noticed that when you are absorbed in something that takes lots of concentration that you will forget about something that hurts at that time? Rather than focus on the discomfort... use oral or Anal to divert your attention to something else. It might not completely make it go away but it will at least take your focus away and reduce discomfort for that period. In any case you can teach yourself how to reduce the effects of pain through that exercise. It really does work. And anything that reduces suffering without pharmaceuticals is a good thing.

Now with Anal... you don't just dive into that either... you work into it slowly at first... as you learn mussel control you can move quicker... and with oral... don't worry about not being good at first. Guys appreciate the effort... and with time and even reasonable effort you WILL get much better. Like I said... you can tell if a woman wants to do it vs. begrudgingly does it. Just be careful with the teeth. There are lots of alternatives that don't involve the hole that hurts around aunt Flo's visit.

And they all do go back to one common point. Your mind. Realize this is the guy you chose to spend your life with... if you can't let yourself go and get the most enjoyment you can... then what is the point of being married? Its not about three squares and a place to sleep. And trust me... this is not an uncommon issue among women ( and some guys as well). Learn to get into the moment... relax when you are in it... and you will find the fantasy world might just open up for you then. And at that point, its finding interests that you share together to experiment with.

Remember the old saying... "I'll try anything once, Twice if I like it" It's a good motto for a married couple to live by in the bedroom.

Don't be afraid to try new things together... they won't all be as fun as you first thought... but many will. The ones that are you do again... the ones that weren't? Well chalk that up as life experience.

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So it's more on the big points where I am not in the mood that I have to make an attempt - as Gemini says - to overcome this and let him know I care ( like doing his laundry or bringing him his morning tea - which I always do - the little things).

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When I talked about being generous and loving - I actually meant in the sexual context - not doing his laundry - which of course is another thing!

My thoughts are that it's not about trying different things necessarily, it's about relaxing and enjoying the things that you currently do without feeling self conscious or 'judging' the experience. Try to think about sex as an extended hug, rather than something that you need to analyze or plan ahead for. You love your husband don't you? Try and make sex an extension of the love and affection that you feel for him.

If you do his laundry or take him a cup of tea, why can't you give him a BJ or a quickie in the bathroom? Why can't you wake up in the morning and have some sleepy sex? Just because you care for him.

Try and take the focus off you - and put it back onto him. I understand the stuff about the monthly cramps, but in the end as you've already said, it's about you not him.

Success with stage one -- highly successful BJ project. Satisfied smiles all around... will be working on refocusing further.

As adults we do things every day we may not feel like doing, or be in the mood to do. We do them because they need being done... we do them because it makes someone else happy, or to help them.

Parents understand this because the focus forever stops being on "ME" and becomes the children's needs after the first one.

Plus being married the worst thing to dwell on is "ME"... you should be focused on "WE". He will be doing stuff YOU want done all the time even if he may not feel like doing it... as a married couple you should just do it and not even think about keeping a score card about who is ahead or behind in favors. You keep the score card for friends and neighbors. Not family.

I am glad you are open to finding yourself sexually and having a better intimate relationship with your husband.

However, I am concerned that he is making you do all the work of proving to him that you are attracted to him. I hope he is helping you work on getting more into sex instead of requiring that you make all the advances. If he isn't, then it is still a very one-sided relationship. It shouldn't be about proving attraction, but being open to acting on shared needs.

It should be a partnership with both people working together. Communication is a big part of keeping a marriage, in all its aspects, healthy.

Right Cat - it definitely has to be worked on from both ends of the partnership. We have a good handle on that most of the time, but it's the sex thing that's been getting in the way -- but truly -- I haven't been having all the fun I should have been having, last night I really just had fun. It was awesome. We both slept soundly and I think, now if I can allow him the chance to get me going when otherwise I would not be interested, I may fix the problem by showing through my care for him that I can be excited by him, not just by myself or on my terms, I may get the full and reciprocal relationship I am seeking. He is very supportive of me and my needs, but has seen me as less than so - starting with the "bedroom" because of my behaviors there. So - if he feels loved and supported starting there -- the feeling should generate outward breeding trust and happiness. I am watching and learning. I want to have more fun, I want to live and love and learn with him and I think I have just been confused about what other important parts of my role were being neglected (outside of making nice meals, and doing nice things for him ( as he does for me)) I needed to do the same in our sex life as he does for me - whenever I am interested he's ready for me. I need to be equally supportive. You guys have all helped a lot.

By the way -- HUGS all around. I like this forum - I hope I get a chance to help others the way you guys have helped me get a level head on this problem, and get confident about what I want and how to get it.

Some people take awhile to be comfortable with their sexuality.

Have fun exploring.

Hi,
I have had many of the same issues in my marriage and damaged it to the extent that my husband, whom I love dearly has been having an affair for the last year and is now conflicted about whether he wants to remain married to me. I know he loves me but the hurt and rejection that I have subjected him to over the last 10 yrs that we were together got too much for him.
For me the answer lay in confronting my own attitude towards sex.
I looked back and realised that the life altering experience happened when I was about age 7. I used to sleep with my mother every night. Hugging her tight and being hugged back, almost sexually although I don't know for sure. I remember one night when I woke up in the middle of the night to find that my father was on top of my mom, I thought she was being hurt. And he rolled off once he was done, without a thought or a cuddle. I decided that sex was painful, with the man always being the dominator. I decided never to be my mom in that situation. After that, with each exposure to sex, to porn, I grew more convinced of my theory. The man was always wrong, always the exploiter.
I felt I had dealt with this incident from my past by choosing to not be scared of sex and of always allowing myself to be dominant in the sexual scenario. I never saw that in my effort to not be like my mother, I had become my father. I would climb on, then climb off when I was done.
I have never found my husband unattractive or undesirable. But the **** in my head, the great experience of my 7 yr old self, stopped me from expressing my love. The **** in my head never allowed me to see how much I was hurting him, how much I was negating him. I was completely sexually repressed and in my head, I had made it OK. I was looking down at all the people who needed sex in their lives, not realizing how much I was missing. Also I could never find the courage to admit how scared I was, how really really scared, with the fear of a 7 yr old child.

This is a very old thread. Please keep an eye on the dates.

There are more recent threads which could use your input.