I don't know where to begin so I will just give a very vague description of my problem.

I am now 27 and I am a pretty attractive guy. I love to flirt with girls and such, but I have an issue with actual commitment. I am almost borderline scared of committing. I don't know if it is fear of having my heart broken or just flat out arrogance at not wanting someone to "take care of me." Now that I have hit my age and the feeling of getting to a point where I feel almost a pressure to start focusing on finding a girl and doing the family thing, my fear has come to scare me.

I guess I would like others' input on a few things:

1) As a girl, what is it that attracts you to a guy, long term
2) Does anyone feel the pressure of making things happen for the sake of age
3) Where is the line drawn between confidence and flat out arrogance

Please ask me questions as well if you need to. I am way too complicated to tell you everything, so I haven't really laid all my stuff out there yet.

Feel free to provide more information after I give my observation.

It sounds to me that you're just not ready for a serious relationship based on the three factors that you listed.

1) As a girl, what is it that attracts you to a guy, long term

There's no specific qualities. If it works out, it works out. You just need to find someone that matches you. Relationships can't be forced together, it happens naturally.

2) Does anyone feel the pressure of making things happen for the sake of age

Age can have an effect if you allow it to. What's most important is what level of commitment you're most comfortable with. If you're not ready for something serious, there's no reason for you to force it regardless of your age.

3) Where is the line drawn between confidence and flat out arrogance

There are two things at work here.

a) How do you perceive yourself? Are you comfortable with the type of person you are? Do you feel like you need to change for yousrelf?

b) How do you think people perceive you? Do you care what other people think of you? I don't know you in person, but on this forum, you seem fairly confident with the advice that you give out, so I would think that you're confident in your abilities. As for the arrogance, you will need to provide some examples of why you think you are arrogant.

KC,

You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself for only being 27. You have a lot of time to meet someone special and start a family. Based on other conversations we have had, you still want to accomplish some major things (such as further education) which will dramatically change not only your lifestyle but could change what you are looking for in a life partner.

To answer your questions:

1) I am attracted to intelligence, a fun attitude, someone with common interests, and more than anything else a good, kind heart. I am attracted to someone with a good sense of humor, someone who has some ambition (not necessarily to be rich, but to do something with his life), and someone whom I can respect and who respects me. Based on recent events, I must also say honesty and integrity are highly important.

2) I am also 27. I was brought up being advised to make my way first and discover myself before I commit to someone for a lifetime, especially to complete my formal education and start my career. To some extent, I am feeling that pressure now to settle down. I want to get married and have kids, and I think it would be best (for my health and the health of my children) to have kids by the time I’m 35. If you factor in that ideally you want to know someone at least 2 years before getting married and you want to have some couple time before the kids come along, there is a growing pressure to meet someone.

3) I think the real difference between being confident vs. arrogant is between being personable and condescending, with a confident guy displaying humility and self-acceptance. Someone who is confident recognizes his strengths, but also acknowledges his weaknesses as well. Someone who is arrogant plays up his strengths while masking his weaknesses. This often leads him to overcompensate by bragging or belittling others. Arrogance often involves approval seeking. Confidence never does. True confidence is being assured of yourself independent of others. True confidence causes one to emanate value rather than take it. A lot of times, I think arrogance is a product of hurt and this causes a person to create a hard exterior to cover their pain, not only trying to convince others that they are strong and confident but also to convince themselves. When you’re confident, you’re sure of yourself and you know what you want. I think the main difference between confidence and arrogance is that confidence is being comfortable and proud of expressing yourself, while arrogance is just a mask to cover up insecurities.

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Originally Posted by I wish

a) How do you perceive yourself? Are you comfortable with the type of person you are? Do you feel like you need to change for yousrelf?

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I perceive myself as a subtle mix of stubbornness and extreme humor.

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Originally Posted by I wish

b) How do you think people perceive you? Do you care what other people think of you? I don't know you in person, but on this forum, you seem fairly confident with the advice that you give out, so I would think that you're confident in your abilities. As for the arrogance, you will need to provide some examples of why you think you are arrogant.

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I am pretty sure certain people consider me arrogant. I think my problem is that I have no doubt that I can get any girl I want. It is an issue that has been a bit of a downfall lately. Whether it is true doesn't matter, it is just a crippling mentality at times because it gives people the genuine impression that I am pretentious.

I really don't care that much what people think of me. I do a little and anyone who says otherwise would be foolish. Obviously I don't want to be tarnished as an all out jacka$$.

I have no problem with committing to a serious relationship if the right girl presents herself. I think more than anything is my issue that I find it hard to open up and allow myself to be vulnerable in that manner. I literally have a constant intensity about me that rejects letting someone into my heart...

I tend to treat things like a game. Everything is a competition to me. It's hard to explain this issue to those that have never met me in person. My internet behavior is much more toned down. I do a lot of things merely for a challenge, including talking to girls, getting their number or whatever. It is almost like I just don't take most women serious.

1) As a girl, what is it that attracts you to a guy, long term
I'm not a girl, but as you go through life you find females will be attracted to you for their own reasons, just as many will hate your guts, for the very same reasons.
2) Does anyone feel the pressure of making things happen for the sake of age
Sometimes we do get carried away by our own agenda, and press for what we feel we want. Especially when friends and relatives wonder when will we settle down and get busy with a family (parents especially MOTHERS, want grand children)
3) Where is the line drawn between confidence and flat out arrogance
Confidence is the willingness to overcome fear to accomplish goals, arrogance is the selfish display of pursuing unhealthy goals to prove to others that your confident. Confidence gone over board.

Advice, Stop looking for love, and share happiness, while you enjoy your life goals. The more you do, the more people you will see, and attract.

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Originally Posted by kctiger

I am pretty sure certain people consider me arrogant.

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I think what JLo said about humility can be very crucial in differentiating arrogance and confidence.

As a woman, while your confidence may make a woman feel special, finding out that your confidence isn't especially related to that woman but that you overall believe that you can get/have anyone turns it a bit arrogant.

Girls want a man that can make them the center of their world.

I think that you are still mending - in a great way. Don't be too hard on yourself for not just jumping onto the next boat. You have come a long way and when you feel safe and it's right for you, you will let your guard down again. That is why you feel safer right now with the 'unavailable' females because although you think you are ready, you know you really aren't.

You are a great and special guy, some girl will be lucky to be in your future.

Justy let me be clear on that comment I said about getting any girl. I don't really believe it is the truth. I'd like to consider it is, but clearly it isn't.

I have made many comments in the dating section about self confidence and not coming off as cocky, but I may also be fooling myself. I realize I am a good guy and I think my own personal nature can be conceived as arrogance.

I am at a point in my life where I am honestly wondering if I will find the right girl. Am I too picky? Am I just simply not compatible? Is it just my city that sucks as far as variety? I mean, what is it? I am not truly looking for anything. I have a lot of fun being single, but I am also getting a bit worn out by a life that I have been going full tilt in for awhile now. While I love to get to know random people, I am also scared that I have no immediate desire to be tied down. It's like the million dollar question: Will KC ever be in another long term relationship? It is almost as if I am my own worst enemy.

KC,
I think it is quite normal to be taking stock of your life since you just turned 27, I think the closer we get to 30 we wonder what we are doing with our lives and if we are doing all the right things or wrong things.

Even if we don't feel old, we feel that time seems to go faster at this age and we are being left behind,while everyone else seems to know exactly what they want.

Good luck in your search.

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KC, let me be clear that I don't believe that you believe you can have any girl, but when that aire comes off a guy a girl might be interested in, it has the opposite affect, just my opinion though. Just you know I have nothing except props for you. ;)

I would just relax, you are looking to hard, it's not about being picky, you are just too busy looking past this girl to check out the qualities on the next girl. You will be fine. Darn birthdays, they seem to have this affect on people.

From what I gather, you enjoy your good life right now. Don't be in a big hurry to settle down. I think you will have a great long term relationship when the time is right... now start saving for my million dollar payout.

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Will KC ever be in another long term relationship? It is almost as if I am my own worst enemy.

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Sometimes a healthy dose of fear, and questioning is what keeps confidence from being changed to arrogance.

Just never be desperate, and you will stay realistic, and objective. Don't be afraid to kiss some more frogs.

Hi Tiggy.

I'm going to answer your original question then move on from there. This may end up being an Alty book, so bear with me.

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1) As a girl, what is it that attracts you to a guy, long term

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Women are just like men, we all look for different things when dating or choosing a life partner. What attracted me to Rod (hubby) was the fact that I could be myself around him. I threw him a lot of curve balls and the guy hit them out of the park every single time. We can talk to each other, we can laugh with each other, we have fun with each other. He's my best friend. Gag, right? ;)

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2) Does anyone feel the pressure of making things happen for the sake of age

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You're asking me? I'm 39! I got married relatively young considering the age most people get married at nowadays. I was 24, we both were. I look back now and think "Damn, we were babies!" but apparently we were ready because 14 years later we're still going strong. Age is just a number. There is no rule that you have to be married before a certain age. Don't put that kind of pressure on yourself.

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3) Where is the line drawn between confidence and flat out arrogance

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Once again, it depends on who you ask. The bottom line, you are who you are and what you are. Your personality is what makes you Tiggy. There is a girl out there that will like you just the way you are, lumps and all. You shouldn't have to settle for less and you should never change who you are.

Tiggy, some people meet their life partner when they're 5 years old, my parents did. Of course they hated each other then, but that's not the point. Some people fall in love at 19. Other people are in their 30's, 40's, even 60's or more before they find "the one". I also don't believe there is just "one" but many people that you could fall in love with.

The first thing is to open yourself up to people. You have to be willing to be hurt, otherwise no one will ever get in. The thing is, love and hurt go hand in hand. I wouldn't want someone that couldn't hurt me, because that would mean I don't care. Rod could rip my heart out, that's love. Make sense?

So stop obsessing about being marriage material. You are, you just haven't found the right girl yet.

Maybe she's in Siberia. ;)

hey man, I'm sort of having the same problem you are. But honestly really it just comes down to how comfortable you are with that significant other. Me right now I'm talking to this girl whom I've been talking on and off for about over a year now and to this point its just hard to understand lol the only thing though that I know for sure is that, we both enjoy talking to each other. Lol I kind of just put my own situation in here sorry =x

But when it comes down to it dude, its all about you feeling comfortable talking with that person. Have fun, get to know the person and let it play out for itself. In time perhaps you will know if you want to take that relationship a step further. But never think that its too late to find love. Its always out there fam.

Hope this helps.

KC,want to hear something crude? You can make babies at 60 as well(I mean hypothetically at least;))but for us women,its really about doing it on time:p--now you understand why we nag and push so much about commitment and marriage and all that stuff:)

LOL--think about this:Am sure there have been times in your life when you didn't even bother to consider "opportunities" at real love just because you mighta been busy with your career or weren't in the frame of mind to check out a girl or felt you could be happy without someone and lead your life.What if you had come across really special at that time?Maybe,just because you didn't want to make anything out of it,you just didn't bother and she just walked away?

And now when you think you could have done with some real love and intimacy or you feel like you are ready to try your hand at the relationship thingy,you find yourself just not being able to make that connection,that oh-so-magical feeling that sweeps you off your feet.

It feels like the more you want it,it keeps slipping from you,isn't it?I haven't been kissed in a long time(arrggghh!:mad:)and I miss being with someone,miss sharing,the butterflies in my stomach when someone special looks at me,all that jazz.Is it over for me?Will I ever get anybody who will make me feel that way again?Eversince I was a kid I wanted babies,will that dream ever come true for me?Why are most of my friends married and settled except me?What do I do wrong etc etc etc.On weak days,on rainy days and Mondays,these are enough to make me wallow in self pity and sadness:p

But it makes me feel better to know,that in some way,a very minor way perhaps,I am not allowing myself to settle,to grab whatever comes my way,to be able to still wait for something special,to have that power to test my fate and my destiny and see if damn well I don't land that special guy:D... (is that the same arrogance you talk about,of not giving in and standing your ground,waiting and watching to see what gives to make you feel and really blow you?)

If I cant--land him,that is,if life decides to really not co-operate and robs me of my all-time desire of being a wife and mother,then maybe,just maybe I might have to live with that.Maybe some of us are meant to end up that way,who knows?I'll think about coping with it when I give up hoping for the magic,when I quit believing that someone's out there for me.Not a day before that.