My husband and I have been married for a year and half. We both had previous marriages that lasted more than 10 years. In the short time we've been married he has lost his temper, packed his bags and his kids and left 3 times. My eleven year old son cries every time he leaves. I have 4 older children that get angry at him every time he does this, and now they don't want him back home. He says he loves me and wants to go to counseling but he has said this before. I do love him, but I don't want to keep hurting my kids. What do I do?

Remember sweetie. Yourself and your children are the most important here. Maybe it would be a good idea for you and your children to get counseling and if your husband want to join that would be great as well. I would focus on myself and my children no matter what he says. Good luck

You want to take him back just so that he can leave again? Why?

You need to act in the best interest of your children. Don't continue such an unhealthy relationship.

He's hurting not only you and your children but his as well. This is a cycle that needs to end before all of these children start to think that this is how relationships work.

I agree that you should get counseling for yourself and your children to work through the mess that he keeps leaving behind.

Before I would even consider even the slightest (an ice cube in a volcano would have a better chance of not melting) possibility of even discussing the chance of him moving back in the neighborhood (not even into the house), he would would have to be in counseling and anger management classes.

I'll hazard a guess that when he has returned in the past it is because he can't handle being a single parent. How long were you taking care of his children as well as your own before you got married?

I agree that counseling is a must. Don't let him move back in until a counselor tells you both it would be a good time.

With his behavior, it would be easier (less traumatic) on all of you (especially the kids) if he stays out of the house while you try to heal the relationship... if that's what you really want.

You go back to the dating stage, no overnights, go to counseling and see what is happening in 6 month

Yes I think your right. The reason he comes back to me is because I take good care of his children. I dated him six months before we got married and his kids became attached to me really quick. The poor kids were starving for some motherly love. I know this is hurting them, but I can't change their father. As much as I love them I think the best thing for them and my kids would be to stop this relationship now. I have a gut feeling that if I take him back he'll stick around only until his kids are a little older and don't need me and then he'll be gone for good.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

He's hurting not only you and your children but his as well. This is a cycle that needs to end before all of these children start to think that this is how relationships work.

I agree that you should get counseling for yourself and your children to work through the mess that he keeps leaving behind.

Before I would even consider even the slightest (an ice cube in a volcano would have a better chance of not melting) possibility of even discussing the chance of him moving back in the neighborhood (not even into the house), he would would have to be in counseling and anger management classes.

I'll hazard a guess that when he has returned in the past it is because he can't handle being a single parent. How long were you taking care of his children as well as your own before you got married?

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It would be even harder on the children if he did come back only to leave again dragging his children with him.

It sounds like he has some growing up to do as well as healing from the previous marriage.

I hope he gets the help that he needs so that he can be the father/daddy that his children deserve. Unfortunately, you can't be responsible for him or his actions and the best way you help them is to not enable his childish behavior anymore. I know that it is going to hurt (probably does already), but it really is the best for all concerned.

Try to find that counseling as soon as you can. I think you are going to need all the support you can get in moving forward and healing not only yourself but helping your children heal.

Please, remember that whatever you choose to do, you have our advice and support if you need or want it. (We even listen to rants if there's anything you need to get out.) All you have to do is add to this thread.

There are also other forums that might have lots of advice that you might find informative.

I agree with the above advice and would only add that whatever is making him think packing up and leaving is a viable solution needs to be addressed.

That is not how conflict is resolved.

Space during a heated argument is often a great way to simmer things down and gain perspective but to uproot his family so frequently speaks of an inability to communicate and face issues like an adult.

What ever happened to your communication and working things out?

Since so many lives hang in the balance here,I would say that counseling is in order before you let him back in and the cycle starts again.
Everyone is getting cheated by this swinging door.

Your advice has been very helpful. I am going to start counseling soon. Even though I have been through a lot of pain in this relationship it's hard to let him go. But I need to put my kids first and they don't deserve this. I think I have some strong co-dependent issues I have to deal with. I survived an abusive childhood. I married at 16 to run away from that and ended up survivng 17 years with an abusive husband (my kids father) that would beat me even when I was pregnant. I do not no what self esteem feels like. I am tired of just survivng life. I want to start living it.

Vargas, I hope counseling helps you find yourself if nothing else. You really do deserve better.

If you wish you can always come back here for more advice, to update the situation or to rant. We will always try to give you what support and advice we can.

Hi V40
Having one bad relationship behind you and your kids is bad enough.
Even though your new husband is not hitting you he is abusing you through his actions.
I am a little concerned that his marriage of over 10 years was not comåletely over when you first met, I feel that he might still be having some confusing issues to deal with in the way his marriage ended.
if his X wife cheated on him he may still be dealing with triggers that he finds hard to handle. But this is no excuse for him to take them out on you or either of your children.
You have to remember though that you are his kids stepmother and if they are comfortable with you you should provide them with the security they need.
if your son cries when he leaves then you should remind your husband that he is a stepfather and no matter how he treats you he should always explain to the kids that his issues are not their fault.
If he isn't man enough to face his responsibilities yet then I think it would be much better for alll of you to live separate lives. He needs to face up to his own problems by himself before he is able to put others in front of his own needs.
Without a doubt his own children will be suffering and if he doesn't get help soon the authoroties will step in and take the children from him. If you are willing to stand by him while he gets professional help I admire you. But you should not help him without his agreement to proff help that would only make your own situation worse in the long run.
You sound like a very caring and warm person in spite of your own problems. Keep strong and keep sight of who you are.
Good luck