Ask Me Help Desk - Betrayed and Lied

Me and my husband are married for 19 years. Only last year he had a 14 day live in affair with a 23 year old Filipino girl, he is 55. I immediately found out about the affair as I was going through his stuff one day and I confronted him. He looked me in the eye and lied to me. I logged onto MSN as a young man and I had her email id so I invited her for a chat. She immediately responded. I told her that I am travelling to Singapore on a holiday and she then gave me the name of the hotel where both she and my husband stayed for 14 days. She went on to further tell me how good a time they had giving me the name of my husband in full and as I was a young man chatting with her she gave me intricate details telling me that she would be available for me when I come over. I asked her if she was a prostitute and she said no but she loves to be friends with men and when they shower her with gifts she sells them for some pocket money.

I saved the conversation and confronted my husband who then came out with the truth. I was deeply hurt and took almost a year to come to terms with myself even though I forgave him since he pleaded he wanted our relationship to work. However till date I cannot forget his infidelity.

After almost one year he was going alone to visit his folks in another state. As I had to keep my job I could not go with him. After he left, I realised that he had carried in his baggage something which he had promised me would never go along with him in his baggage if he was travelling alone. I called him and asked him if he knows where the item was and he lied to me once again saying that it was somewhere in his wardrobe. I searched his wardrobe but could not find it, so I again called him and asked him where it was as I could not locate it. It was then that he told me that he had carried it with him to destroy it. I found it very absurd as if his intentions were to destroy it he could have done so when he was with me. He lied to me again, even though I had warned him not to do so and he chose to do the same. He has not contacted me after that day and will be back hom on the last week of this month.

I am hurt, depressed and used... do you think I should carry on living with him. I can nevery trust him ever again. We have no kids... please help.

Apart from the cheating my first concern was about your health.. example.. STD's STI's and the many other diseases that can be contracting through sex...

I recommend you get tested.

I am loathe to advise a trial separation in any marriage,however perhaps you need some time out to regroup and clear your head, however hard it is to confide in anyone regarding your current situation,I would suggest you talk to a friend,you need emotional support and a sounding wall.

Thank you so much for your response. Yes need to clear my head but as of now I strongly believe that since I gave it a try once after the infidelity, I should not become his option this time around. I should just let him go and maybe someday when the sexual urges diminish and one needs only a companion, he will remember what he has lost. I am fine with going alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dusky52

Thank you so much for your response. Yes need to clear my head but as of now I strongly believe that since I gave it a try once after the infidelity, I should not become his option this time around. I should just let him go and maybe someday when the sexual urges diminish and one needs only a companion, he will remember what he has lost. I am fine with going alone.

You sound very strong.

Ultimatly only you can make the decision that is best for you.

Walking away will have its own set of problems and worries,and at the end of the day,while in your bed and with your own thoughts,only you will know if it's the right move for you.

I agree with you that it is not his option anymore,and has broken your trust yet again,by your post it seems you have already made your decision.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

you sound very strong.

ultimatly only you can make the decision that is best for you.

walking away will have its own set of problems and worries,and at the end of the day,while in your bed and with your own thoughts,only you will know if its the right move for you.

i agree with you that it is not his option anymore,and has broken your trust yet again,by your post it seems you have already made your decision.

A painful decision, however, but my will to surpass it is strong. I have bent backwards for this man for 19 years, I have paid every single penny against my upkeep i.e. my food, rent, travels abroad (sometimes have paid for him too shamelessly), I have always been independent as I believe that money should not be the cause of any rift in a relationship so his money is his and mine was mine something that he also wanted. All these years I put his priorities before my own least realising by doing so I was allowing him to make me an option in his life. My folks scorned me when I used to cater to his needs unconditionally, I have taken that too with a smile, and then you tell me, which woman will not be so hurt and mad. I am in my late fifties myself, I think I need some peace now. Apologise for speaking out loud, even a few words from people like you make a difference to me during this troubled time of mine. Thank you for being there.

So in essence,your not really starting anew,only this time around you won't have to worry about him and what he is doing..

Sounds like you are removing the baggage.

By the way,new research has said 60 is middle age!

You can now move into a new era of your life unshackled by mistrust and hurt..

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

so in essence,your not really starting anew,only this time around you wont have to worry about him and what he is doing..

sounds like you are removing the baggage.

by the way,new research has said 60 is middle age!

you can now move into a new era of your life unshackled by mistrust and hurt..

Thank you, Thank you so very much :)

I believe you have the strength and the courage to start a new happy life without this man. Let him sort out his own life, one day he might realise that he s made some very bad choices but by then it ll be too late.
Good luck and take care.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amicon

I believe you have the strength and the courage to start a new happy life without this man. Let him sort out his own life, one day he might realise that he s made some very bad choices but by then it ll be too late.
Good luck and take care.

Thank you so very much. My only prayer to my Higher Power to someday awaken his senses with the realisation what he had gained and what he lost by the consequences of his choices in life. I loved this man to bits and my love for him will still remain within my heart but I have to let go and let God. In love one has to make many sacrifices and I am in on this one :) Thanks again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dusky52

Thank you so very much. My only prayer to my Higher Power to someday awaken his senses with the realisation what he had gained and what he lost by the consequences of his choices in life. I loved this man to bits and my love for him will still remain within my heart but I have to let go and let God. In love one has to make many sacrifices and I am in on this one :) Thanks again.

I agree with you,sometimes you have to love yourself more,if only just to survive.

Yes-let go and let the higher power-that makes a lot of sense. And we need to learn to love ourselves first.