Ask Me Help Desk - In love with separated man

I met this amazing guy last year and tend to be close to him since last April. He honestly explain to me that he is currently separated from him wife since June 2007 (married Nov 2006) and now almost 2 years they have separated and no kids.

His wife is having mental problem which hard to live together and harmful to him and his family especially his mother (his wife live with him and his family under one roof after marriage). His wife has been medically cured after few months in mental hospital and continuously taken medicine. He said that he has no more confident towards his wife as his wife has attacked him and his mother due to her mental illness. His wife has some trust problem with himself and his mother. Few crazy things happened; she claimed he has other women outside (he didn't have any), his mother having certain "ghosts spirit" inside the house that keep monitoring her; she claimed the house environment in good as her own house... and alots of crazy things that normal people cannot think of.

He leave behind his wife and move to another town and pursue better job. At the same time, he gave her certain amount of money per month as compensation to her. Then finally he met me. When we first met, the first thing that he mentioned to me that he is a separated man and the divorce still in progress. He has filed for divorce but his wife refuse to sign. Thus this case could be more difficult as now he waits for case hearing in court. Since we have a good communication, we did talk about this matter openly and he hides nothing from me. He tells me everything involving his divorce progress and updates.

He keep me hidden from his wife and his family as well as mine. Only few close friends know about us. Sometimes, I feel like there is no hope for this relationship but I really love him. Even he never told me that he loves me but I believe he feel the same. Only the matter is he is now confused. He want the divorce but his wife refuse cause mental problem is not her faulth. However, he claimed that they have no future together and living with his wife make his life harmful.

Please advise

He has been separated for 2 years, and you and him have been meeting on the side for about a year now if I'm reading this correctly.

Why has it taken so long for him to get to court, with or without his wife's approval?

He has not introduced you to anyone, and you are a secret to his family, and he has not told you he loves you. You only guess that he does.

Because you have only been told what he wishes you to know, you have no way of knowing if anything he says is true. He could be telling you a complete lie about his wife, or the severity of her mental illness, if she has a mental illness at all.

You say that his wife doesn't trust him, or his mother. I tend to think she may have a point.

Again, you are a secret to his family, even though he has apparently separated, and the divorce is merely the final step, right?

My opinion is the guy is playing you. After two years he should have made more progress than he has.

I would leave him be until he is actually divorced.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

He has been separated for 2 years, and you and him have been meeting on the side for about a year now if I'm reading this correctly.

Why has it taken so long for him to get to court, with or without his wife's approval?

He has not introduced you to anyone, and you are a secret to his family, and he has not told you he loves you. You only guess that he does.

Because you have only been told what he wishes you to know, you have no way of knowing if anything he says is true. He could be telling you a complete lie about his wife, or the severity of her mental illness, if she has a mental illness at all.

You say that his wife doesn't trust him, or his mother. I tend to think she may have a point.

Again, you are a secret to his family, even though he has apparently separated, and the divorce is merely the final step, right?

My opinion is the guy is playing you. After two years he should have made more progress than he has.

I would leave him be until he is actually divorced.

Thanks Jake.
I know him almost a year but get close for past 5 months. Let me explain much detail... we are colleagues.. we live in the same place only 4 houses apart (the company that we work provide the house for us to live in). We live in the small town.. no entertainment.. nothing much can be done here... so much of our life we spend together we are like best friend... he is there when I need him, and I always there when he need me too. We go fishing, cooking, housekeeping, watching dvd, play badminton and so many small things that we do together... in workplace we work in one team.. we are close in personal and professional life... that is why I trust him. His wife never been to this place, only his mom did once visiting him.
In our country, the married couple need to separate for 2 years before they can file for divorce. He had filed for divorce last April (the month we just started to get close). From what I learn the guy may not saying "I love you" but he say it through what he did to you. Am I right? Even me myself as well I never said those words to him but I show it through my actions.
His wife refuse to divorce but he still want to divorce. Well... how can you live with someone who is mentally sick and behave extremely? She can't become a wife not the best wife.. even the normal wife she can't make it as well... he said that he wished he never married to her if he knew her condition in the first place.
He has been so open to me, he tells me everything and I know that he is honest.

I don't see this as anything other than an affair. At some point, I assume he will be returning to his home town, and he isn't likely to sever ties with his mother or his family. The future is unknown with this man, he is not free to develop a relationship with you, and may never be.

If the relationship goes any further than what it is now, I hope you realize that you may very well be in for heartbreak. He will be under a lot of pressure to not go through with a divorce, and it may never happen. Have you actually seen proof that he has separated? A legal document?

He is only telling you what he thinks you need to know, and although you feel he is 100 percent truthful, you are hearing only one side of his story, and only because he is away from his home and his wife right now.

Keep in mind too, that if a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

Marriage laws in most countries are pretty much the same on the issue of mental problem. If his wife really has this problem, he does not need to live separately for 2 years, he can file a divorce immediately.

Reading your story, I have come to a conclusion... he lies & he doesn't want to divorce his wife.

Don't waste your time being "used"... Jake2008 is absolutely correct. Read her answer carefully... the best advice for you. Good luck.

This man is not emotionally available. He is married. You are fulfilling his needs right now. He is number one in his mind. Jake is right on. You are only getting one half of the story.

When or if he gets divorced, he is going to be a "free man" and will probably want to date others besides you.

My best advice to you is to tell him you care for him but cannot have anything besides a platonic friendship until he is divorced and ready for a new relationship. Only then should he ask to date you.

I'm afraid you are being used and you will be brokenhearted.
Because you work with him and live by him, you can't really avoid him completely, so love him as a friend and you can be there as his friend and that's all, to protect yourself, and date others.

Right now you are technically "the other woman". Give him the time he needs to move on in his marriage or his divorce, whatever it is. He needs time alone to do this. He can't give you what you deserve in a relationship.

This man is married - that's the bottom line. You are having an affair.

[QUOTE=Comments on this post
Jake2008 agrees: Funny how some can turn a turnip into a hot fudge sundae..[/QUOTE]

On the floor!

Lets see how many times have we heard the story of I'm getting a divorce, and lets keep our relationship a secret. GOD if that does not send up a RED flag warning nothing will.
Love like justice is blind

Quote:

Originally Posted by ptcpaul01

Lets see how many times have we heard the story of I'm getting a divorce, and lets keep our relationship a secret. GOD if that does not send up a RED flag warning nothing will.
Love like justice is blind

You left out the "my wife has mental problems so I can't leave right now," closely followed by "I'm separated." That means he is here and she is there and they are separated by some distance.

And "I love you, honey, but ..." :D

I've worked on enough of these cases - the husband and wife never have sex, occasionally he's been sleeping on the sofa for years. Right!

Maybe there aren't any single men in this particular town so this guy looks like a good catch by default - although I can't even imagine that.