I am a little torn here.
My duaghter has a 'friend' at school. She is not a nice little girl. I know its not the girls fault, her mother is the one who raised her this way, and I know that to be true because her mother and I are... well... I wouldn't consider her a friend. But we are on speaking terms to say the least.

Onto the issue...

This little girl is mean to my duaghter. She doesn't hit her or name call. But she will one day say 'YOUR NOT MY FRIEND" and break my daughters heart. And then the next day, act like nothing happened. And her mother won't talk to me about it because when I aproach the subject even when the girls are not present she says 'in our home, what's done is done we don't dwell on things' and I'm thinking to myself how is a child going to learn anything if it isn't discussed??


I am torn because a part of me, what's to advocate for her. Not let them be friends and have the constant back and fourth of her saying my duaghter is not her friend, and then going right back to being friends the next day. And my duaghter goes right back to her.

But on the other hand. I DO want her to learn how to manage her friends her self. Be her OWN advocate. Choose for HERSELF if she should be friends with a person like that or not.

If the little girl was violent, hitting spitting name calling, etc. there would be no issue, then would NOT be friends until the girls mother dealt with the problem.

But its just a case of her being mean, and my daughter getting her heart broken, and then going right back to her.


What do I do? Should I step in? Or let them work it out for themselves/

I was exactly like your daughter when I was a kid! My best friend when I was a child used to say "i'm not your friend anymore"to me all the time and I would go back to her the next day just as your daughter does.
I think you should step in. it is important to teach your children social skills. I wish my parents had done the same for me because now I really don't have any social skills what so ever and don't know how to handle conflicts. I think you should still sit down with your daughter and explain that she should either stick to her friend or let her drift away and not come back. Children usually understand basic rules and actually build on them.

Kids can be mean, and they teach each other to be mean, and it goes around and around until they learn that being nicer is easier, and having nicer friends is a lot more pleasant.

Even at a very young age.

If you start stepping in now, you run the risk of your daughter expecting you to solve her conflicts for her. The earlier she starts to solve simple conflicts herself, the stronger she will be as she gets older to handle bullies, and the nasty ones at school.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but would sit my daughter down and say, "When 'Sara' says to you that she is not your friend, walk away, and dont talk to her for the rest of the day, find somebody else to play with". She will soon learn that she has control over being hurt, and her friend will learn by way of consequence, that saying what she does really does mean a consequence! Oh my!

You have to have faith that your daughter can manage this herself, she needs how to fight her own battles so to speak, with as little influence as possible, so that she learns what she can do herself. Guidance of course, but short and sweet. She can do this.

When on YOUR turf, that is a different story. When Sara does what Sara does, and says your daughter is no longer her friend, I would say, "That's too bad you feel that way Sara, get your coat and I'll drive you home". No explanation required.

Jennie,
I agree with Jake2008 about letting your daughter deal with this, without trying to solve it for her.

My daughter started school a bit late in the school year and she did not have friends while others had already been in class together for a while.

Now she has quite a few friends, but there are kids who will not let their best friends sit with other classmates.
My daughter would come home and tell me about these things, I just listen,maybe ask a few questions,give a few suggestions.

My daughter concludes on her own that we must let our friends sit with other friends,her reasoning is that she herself does not always want to sit with her closest friends.

I think children will learn such things on their own, but if a child is violent then we should step in and have a talk with the teacher.

Other than that, preschoolers are still learning and children that age are brutally honest and do not sugar coat their words. Sara might not be bad, she is also learning how to deal with her friends.Maybe pushing their buttons even.

It is kids,the one they hate today will be their best friend tomorrow.
You stay out of it and let kids be kids

Thank you everyone. I talked to her abuot it and let her know that she needs to think about what she wants. And I also encouraged her to make more friends other than just this one girl.

Thanks for the advice. Ill definitely stand back and let her do it.

Jennie, I also agree with Jake here. It does not stop at 5, but continues through elementary school. If a child doesn't get their way, they just don't want to be friends anymore.

My son (7) said that to me and my husband last night. We wouldn't let him walk 2 miles to his friend's house, and we would not drive him there. We told him that it was Sunday... Family Day. Well, he got teary eyed and stomped up the stairs saying "I don't want to be your friend anymore."

This just goes with the territory of the age group. Don't interfere.

Heck I can see this going right through high school. Maybe less dramatic or maybe more dramatic. But its part of growing up. I had many friends come and go. She will learn from that and be stronger and better at picking her relationships.

I think that, rather than just fixing the issue for her, teach her how to deal with it, and be there for support like you have been when she's hurt. She will eventuall learn how to stick up for herself and deal with the situation. I hope things go well with her. How old is she?

She just turned 6 today.

Yeah today she came home and said she had made a new friend during her birthday party in class. She told me she wants to be annas friend (the little girl hurting her feelings) but she said she will be her friend if she is nice.

See that's good! And it's good that she's making more friends. :)