Ask Me Help Desk - Worst heart break ever

Hey everyone! So far I've read a lot of good advice on this forum that has helped me a hell of a lot with my breakup. With out reading other peoples stories, advice and opinions I would probably go insane. I think it's time though that I share and see what you guys think!
So my names matt, I'm 20 years old and live in Florida. I've been dating this amazing girl named Lisa for nearly 2 years until things fell apart. Basically my senior year of high school I would see her around school all the time and thought she was the most beautiful girl there, but I never thought I would have a chance. Then I started dating her best friend. Long story short I ended things with her friend and started talking to Lisa about it. She then told
Me she had been crushing on me for along time too! And things just fell into place. It was love at first sight and we shared a connection I've never felt with anyone. She told me I was her first true love and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. She asked me to please marry her someday and even picked out the ring she wanted. We saw each other every single day and where best friends and so in love. We had the most amazing sex life. She told me I was the only guy she ever enjoyed sex with and that with other boyfriends she would almost dread having too and only did it to please them. But with me she looked forward to it. I'm the only guy that ever gave her an orgasm and she said the only guy that it felt good with and didn't hurt her. She was always the one that was way more emotional and loving though. She was basically obbsessed with me and needed to be with me everyday. She used to cut her self and take lots of anti-depressents and throw up her food. Once we started dating I made her so happy and made her feel so good about her self that she stopped taking her meds, only cut when we fought, and stopped throwing up. Things where so perfect and so strong up until I moved out of my parents house. I got my own place and was under a lot of stress. I started to take it out on her, wasn't as loving and affectionate, didn't take her out as much because money was right and we started to fight a lot. We would break up every other week, either me leaving her or her leaving me. Most of the time she left me and I would be the one to fight for her and fix it and make all these promises that things would get better. Then the cycle started over, tension rose, we would have a huge fight and break up! Sometimes I left her and a few times she fought for me and begged me to stay but mostly even if I said I was done and it's over I would have to chase her and fix it even though I wanted to leave due to her started problems. We both came to a point where we took breaking up so lightly and took each other for granted. I thought she would never leave ever. Finally the last week we where together we got into a big fight and she said "I'm done, I can't do this we are over" so I said fine it and shut off my phone. She then called me 120 times from 12am-2:30am and left me voice mails saying and I quote "matt I'm so sorry I said what I said, you know when I'm mad I say and do things I don't mean, I love you more than anything in the entire world and I don't want to loose you now or ever, please take me back and forgive me. We can work threw this and I want to be with you forever". So I finally called back and she kissed my abit and I said OK.. Come over tomorrow and we will talk. So she did and she said "matt I love you, your my entire world and I can't live with out you, your my best friend and my lover, we can get threw anything and I want to be with you forever, thank you for taking me back I promise you won't regret it". Ok so things where good for 3 days then she went to the mall with some friends and her girlfriend's boyfriend had a friend with him. No big deal except that when she came over she was being all y =\ and we started fighting so I broke up with her! And I hung up. She never called back or texted me. I waited the entire next day, nothing. So finally the day after I went to her house and she said matt I'm done. I love you but I can't do this anymore. The night u dumped me the guy from the mall got my number from my fiend and called me and we talked all night and he said I don't deserve your bull and made me feel so good about myself. I'm going out with him tomorrow night. I'm sorry. I was shocked! Well I left her alone for a couple days but then I couldn't handle it and tried to get her back by bringing her flowers at school. She cried, kissed me but turned me down and dropped the bomb that she got drunk and gave him a blowjob =\ so I said this and you. Have a nice life. 5 days go by with out talking at all. And then last night she calls me and says that he took her to universal but she felt so akward. It didn't feel right at all. No matter how nice he is or what he does for her it isn't the same and she feels like it should be me. She's still in love with me and misses me so much and that she almost told him to just take her home in the middle of being there. She told me everything I need to change and fix to be with her again and said that she honestly doesn't have feelings for him. He is fun to hang with but only as friends. And that when they went to the hotel she cried in the shower and he tried to have sex with her and she turned him down and he asked her out and she said no. She said thinking about sexual things with him make her sick to her stomach and it isn't the same and she will never fall in love with him and confused. Her heart says come back to me but she's scared she will just hurt again and she agreed to let me take her out tonight. Good phone call =] I was so happy. Well today I called her and it was completely opposite. No I can't be with you. Our relationships unhealthy. It's not good for me etc. I love you but I can't come back to you. I don't believe u will change you said it a million times before. We need more time apart. You need to get your together. I'm trying to hard not to love you anymore but it's not working. I wake up everyday and say please like this guy he is so good for me. Going back to matt would be a mistake but I love him and I'm so confused. And she asked me to wait till she can figure out what she wants. She said if u could be as nice as this guy, treat me better, take me out and take care of me I would be with you in a heart beat and have no second thought about Tommy. But I'm scared you will hurt me again and I will ruin what I have with tommy for nothing. I love you and I always will. I need to figure out if I can go out with other guys and not have feelings for them and know if we are meant to be and know you will wait and really change if u really love me. This really pissed me off because she keeps flipping how she feels agh. It is tearing my heart apart. So I said Lisa forget it. Don't be confused. Go be with him he makes you happy and is perfect for you. I'm not going to try this hard for nothing. Your hurting me too much and this isn't fair. You will never fall for this guy and realise you made a huge mistake. I hope your happy having to fake feelings with him just because he spends money on you. Have a nice life. Click. Then she texts me and says wow it's done. We can never go back. I'll never be with you again. Don't ever call me again or text me. And I haven't. But... I still want her. I want to be with her and I want her to come back but I can't keep hurting myself and making all this effort and get treated like this =\ what should I do? What's the best bet to get her to want me back? And get her to realise what a mistake she made without begging her or making anymore effort. I want to be with her for sure. I love her and want to marry her but I need her to call me or show up here and make the effort you know? I know her feelings for me are sti there. I know she wants to come back but thinks it's best that she doesn't. So how do I show her I can change and traa her better? Just basically how the f to get her to be with me again?? Or should I just move on and let her go? t's killing me so bad. Thanks for listening. I can't wait to hear your opinions =]

I think you should give her a few days to cool off, and try and be her friend. She has a lot of rearranged emotions that she needs to fix before you guys can really be back together, it'll take a while, months, but you need to make sure that you're clear on everything before you try and get back, don't rush because it seems like every time you guys get back together, you screw up more, so she probably needs to be with someone else before she realizes what you mean to her, I'm going through a similar situation as we speak, don't dwell on it, work on yourself, but be there for her as a friend, and then who knows
Good luck my man

Don't contact her any more. Your relationship was severely toxic. Instead of communicating peacefully, you two threatened to break up every single time.

You're in shock. Denial. You're thinking with your heart instead of what you need to be thinking with - your brain.

This relationship cannot be mended back to what it once was. Trust is lost for both parties. No trust = No relationship.

Neither of you seem ready for a serious relationship anyway.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sadnlostedddd

I think you should give her a few days to cool off, and try and be her friend. She has a lot of rearranged emotions that she needs to fix before you guys can really be back together, it'll take a while, months, but you need to make sure that you're clear on everything before you try and get back, don't rush because it seems like every time you guys get back together, you screw up more, so she probably needs to be with someone else before she realizes what you mean to her, i'm going through a similar situation as we speak, don't dwell on it, work on yourself, but be there for her as a friend, and then who knows
good luck my man

The above is not very good advice, so please think wisely before following. I know that it is probably closer to what you want to hear but it's not going to benefit you emotionally nor will it help you settle the emotional dust and focus on yourself, who is the most important in this situation.

Your emotional dust is very high. You were in a relationship that was dysfunctional and toxic and you have come to expect and accept this.

Your ex is right, neither one of you is benefiting from a relationship together. She has some very serious issues that she needs to settle with herself. She isn't going to settle them looking to guys to appreciate her, she has to learn to do this for herself. Bulemia and cutting are very serious symptoms of a very deep rooting psychological problem that your ex has. You can not be responsible for her self esteem, although you take credit for helping her, she has to be the one who helps herself. There isn't any true value when you don't value yourself and seek value from others.

Right now what you have to do is no contact. You have to focus on you and getting yourself emotionally healthy. First relationships are very difficult when they sour and although it is hard to believe there are other relationships in your future. You need to learn what you can from this relationship. It's not your place to continually grovel to make amends in the relationship. You need to work on your own self worth and value, so that you have a better foundation for yourself in the future. Read the sticky threads at the top of the Relationship forum for some wise tools to help you through this difficult experience.

Keep us posted and remember this is a moment by moment process and it does get easier with time. Work on focusing on the things that you need and staying out of contact with your ex. Come here for support when you feel weak. The best thing you can do for yourself right now, is worry about you.

The other day she called me talking about how she loves me so much and she doesn't know what to do. I was even suppost to take her out. Then the next day she would hardly talk to me and blew me off for this guy so it started a argument between is and she said that's it I'm done we can never go back. And I said fine I'm giving up on you. Then last night she shows up at my house at 12:30 and of course I went out to a party with another girl =\ but we talked for hours about us and it she was saying how she wants to see me so bad. Now today she blows me off again and will hardly talk to me =| I don't understand why every night she calls me wanting to talk. And talk about how we could get back together. Then this ?

Go no contact. She has major issues you don't need them. Time will give you perspective and you will realize how much better off you are.

Good luck. Read the stickies

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shifty486

I don't understand why every night she calls me wanting to talk. And talk about how we could get back together. Then this ?

Because you allow it , stop answering her calls etc. and get on with your healing process by going complete no contact.

Otherwise you just stay on this continual emotional roller coaster going round and round in circles without getting anywhere , and allowing her to fill your head with false hope.

She called me again last night 3 times and I ignored the first 2 till finally picking up the 3rd. She was freaking out because I posted something on my Facebook about another girl and how I'm happy. I then asked her why she calls me and says all this then the next day won't talk to me and she said because I love you and I'm confused and hurting. I then asked why she keeps telling this guy no every time he asks her to be his girlfriend and she said because she still has hope for me and her. Then she said I really want to see you, I think we should out. I said why? And she replied because if she gets her hopes up and things are not good she will know it's really done, but if they go well and the feelings are still there then she wants to talk and hang out more and work it out. She said until she's sure of that she tries not to talk to me so she doesn't get attached again or decide to come back based solely opon talking. Idk... She's always been really upfront with me so I hope this is all true =\

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shifty486

She called me again last night 3 times and i ignored the first 2 till finally picking up the 3rd. She was freaking out because I posted something on my facebook about another girl and how I'm happy. I then asked her why she calls me and says all this then the next day won't talk to me and she said because I love you and I'm confused and hurting. I then asked why she keeps telling this guy no everytime he asks her to be his girlfriend and she said because she still has hope for me and her. Then she said I really want to see you, I think we should out. I said why? And she replied because if she gets her hopes up and things are not good she will know it's really done, but if they go well and the feelings are still there then she wants to talk and hang out more and work it out. She said untill she's sure of that she tries not to talk to me so she doesn't get attached again or decide to come back based soley opon talking. Idk... She's always been really upfront with me so I hope this is all true =\

You are her option, her back up. Love is not confusing and she has for you is not love. Its time to cut her loose and ignore her for good.

Well I know she loves me. The problem is she is in love with a guy she thinks isn't good for her, doesn't treat her good enough, and being with them just hurts her (me) and then she has a guy who is taking her out, doing everything she wanted me to do, is really nice and would be a perfect boyfriend BUT she just doesn't have feelings for him. No matter what he does she said it doesn't feel right and she feels like it should be me. But she doesn't want to be with me because she is
Scared I won't change and will hurt her again. But she can't help it.

I appologize for this, but this girl apparently has some mental issues. I didn't read everything because I didn't have to. This "I love you" one second and "We can't be together" the next minute is ridiculous, immature and absolutely nuts. I think she is a bit of a nut and you'd do well to try and move on and not pursue this relationship further. I know she is hot and sexy, but looks only get you so far.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shifty486

Well I know she loves me. The problem is she is in love with a guy she thinks isn't good for her, doesn't treat her good enough, and being with them just hurts her (me) and then she has a guy who is taking her out, doing everything she wanted me to do, is really nice and would be a perfect boyfriend BUT she just doesn't have feelings for him. No matter what he does she said it doesn't feel right and she feels like it should be me. But she doesn't want to be with me because she is
scared I won't change and will hurt her again. But she can't help it.

You are accepting blame because you miss what you thought of her, who you thought she was. You do not have a clear picture... out here where the emotional dust is clear, this girl is taking you for a spin and you are accepting the responsibility for her unstable behavior.

I haven't read one post that leads me to believe that you are not good for her. You are stressed moving into trying to be a stable adult, so you can't afford to wine and dine her, but that is not love. She hurts in your relationship because she hurts without self esteem and with a codependency issue.

You have to break the cycle of dysfunction, for your own good.

The problem is she isn't in love with either of you or herself.

If she were she would have more respect for one of you to make a clean break with the other. She has absolutely no respect for herself or she wouldn't be playmate hopping.

She won't get better until both you and the other person make her accountable for her actions. Until then she is going to keep playing games that will end up with someone getting extremely hurt. At this moment, I would say 'you'.

All you are doing is encouraging her behavior and aiding her in not facing up to reality.

That isn't helping you either. Right now you are the human equivalent of the Leaning Tower of Pisa's foundation. Your trying to support her and all of her baggage and sinking deeper down in the unstable ground every day. There is only so much outside support can help because it wasn't properly planned out in the first place.

I agree. Two mentally unhealthy people does not a good relationship make.

Shifty, you cannot make a healthy relationship with her. You have established too many really bad habitual interactions--breaking up every time you have a fight, abusive language hurled at one another... jealousy, lack of trust, and more. You need to let go of her and stop even thinking about trying to get her back. Go no contact. She's right about that.

All three of you need counseling and some serious maturing before any of you has a relationship again. Six-month Time Out at least...

She has some issues that she needs to resolve herself. Just leave her alone for a while. I'm sure whatever she has with him is just rebound. Don't let it get to you.

Best of luck to you