Well first off I know your reaction will be leave him. My best friend says this all the time. But I want to work through this and believe there is room for change. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. I'm completely head over heels in love with him. I still get butterflys and all that mushy stuff. Now the commitment on his end is a little different. I don't think he actally considered me his girlfriend until probably a year ago. I've always had the supspicion that he has been seeing other people. I know he talks to other girls online and on the phone. I've read his texts, emails and online converstaions and he is kind of a sleeze. I've overlooked this for a long time. Out of sight out of mind basically. But recently I found out he sleep with someone else for sure in the beginning of our relationship, but granted I think he didn't consider it a "real" relationship yet. He Doesn't know I know, and I'm sure that there has been others. We have fought about this many times. He always reasures me that it doesn't mean anything and he is sorry, loves me and wants to marry me someday. But why keep doing it then? He has changed his passwords, is secretive and says I'm a crazy because I have no right to go though his stuff. I'm completely open with my phone, email etc. I have nothing to hide. I have been completely faithful to him and the thought of cheating on him makes me sick. I don't believe him cause of he lies to me all the time and hasn't been faithful to me. I'm also 8 months pregnant now. I work and go to school full time. I cook, clean, do laundry, basically all the housewife dutys. My friends refer to me as stepferd wife without the actual wife titile. I go out of my way to do nice things for him even though he very RARELY does the same. I do everything I and my power to make him happy. I even let him talk me into a 3some. I offered to let him see other people as long as he stopped lying to me. Now I have no desire to be with anyone else and I don't really like the thought of him doing it either but I'm trying to make this work. But he claims he is happy and doesn't want to sleep withother people. He is still talking to other girls and I found him on dating sites. So why is he doing this? He knows it hurts me and when I ask him why he says he doesn't know but I should have trust in him that he iwouldnt cheat on me. He has accused me of cheating on him numorous times and every time is proven wrong. Is this guilt on his part? I don't even talk to other guys cause I don't want him to feel insecure. I'm an extrealy sexual person. I love to have sex all the time so I know that its not that I don't put out. He doesn't even really seem interested in that anymore, and I get it I'm a fat cow and not as attractive as I was. But I still have feelings and needs and miss the intimacy. He says he doesn't want to sleep with me cause its weird for him but I know its cause he thinks I'm gross. How can I get him to connect with me again and help him overcome this? Why do guys do these kinds of things. Is it possible that he really does love and care for me even if he is unfaithful? Or am I just stupid? I'd love any advice or comments about this subject. I'd really like to hear a mans point of view or maybe the Psychological explanation behind this behaivor. Thanks

The reason why people would tell you to find someone is because from an objective point of view, this is not a functional relationship. There are so many obscales for the two of you to overcome before you can be happy. Relationships are suppose to be naturally happy and not forced. If both of you are willing to put in the effort to try to make it work, then no one is going to stop you. Have you tried couples counselling?

But it's going to take a lot more work than if you found someone who matches you more.

No we haven't went to counciling he doesn't want to admit to doing anything wrong. His family has never held him accountable for anything so I think that is why he doesn't feel the need to do so now. Plus I've made it easy for him to have a lame excuse and let it go out of fear of losing him. I understand what your saying but don't understand how it is nonfunctional when the messing around started before our relationship even began? Maybe I'm missing something

What is a relationship to you? Does it include happiness? Getting along naturally? Both people involved pulling the weight? Working as a team to build a stronger relationship? Strong communication system?

Do you see any of these factors present in your relationship?

Definitely everything you said. Basically two people who love each other and help each other though things. I definitely believe that there should be equal work on both parties one person can't hold a relationship together and you some of those factors are there but some are missing as well. And don't get me wrong I know we have a jacked relationship, there is no trust and oviously some reason he feels the need to seek someone else out. I know its equally my fault but I don't know how to go about making him let his guard down and work on things

You can't enter a relationship expecting the other person to change. He is the way he is. Can you accept him the way he is? If you can't, then you're not really in love with him. You're actually in love with this fantasy guy that doesn't exist.

Relationships have to happen naturally. What we mean by natural is two people have a certain personality and they happen to click/match.

I'm sorry to sound harsh, but you're basically saying that you can pick up any guy on the street, hope he changes or try to change him, and then he'll be good for you.

Your feelings for him might be there, but it doesn't mean you make a good couple because your personalities clash easily. Hard work from both sides have to come naturally. It can't be forced upon. You can't make him do something, he has to want to do it or do it naturally. Relationships can't be forced.

I'm not trying to change him, asking for him to be honest and not sleep with other people is not a lot to ask. I'm not asking him to like certain things or hang out with certain people. I don't want to control him just have him tell me the damn truth every once in awhile would be nice

No trust = No relationship

If he doesn't want to put the effort in, then it sounds like he's pretty much given up on the relationship. He's just hanging on because you let him. While he keeps talking to other girls, he's out experimenting. If it doesn't work out with them, he can always come home to you as the backup plan. You're just torturing yourself by staying in this relationship. But at least it's your choice.

As for your child, if you're not longer with him, you just have to take him to court to get child support.

Accusing you of cheating definitely sounds like guilt on his part. He sounds like he has no basis for his accusations.

So basically I'm his fall back plan? Why would he tell me he wants to marry me then. Its wrong to feed someone empty lies and promises like that. I've told him to leave if I don't make him happy and he swears up and down he doesn't want to be with anyone else. I don't know what to believe anymore

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Originally Posted by DarkButterfly4

so basically i'm his fall back plan? why would he tell me he wants to marry me then. Its wrong to feed someone empty lies and promises like that. I've told him to leave if I dont make him happy and he swears up and down he doesnt want to be with anyone else. I dont know what to believe anymore

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I was at a point in my last relationship where I didn't know what to believe any more from her.


Needless to say it didn't end well. No trust = No relationship as others have said


All the best.

DarkButterfly, I really don't like saying this, but you don't have a relationship. Other than stringing you along with words of love and eventual marriage, it appears from your story that he has done nothing to help create a viable relationship.

Whether you recognize it or not, you are trying to change him. You are trying to make him grow up and become a man and be accountable for telling the truth.

He is not settling down. He is lying to you, seeing other women, and putting your health and that of your child at risk.

Why should he leave? He gets sex, food, clean clothes, all of his needs taken care of including getting to have his fun and not be held responsible for anything. How much interest and investment has he really put into becoming a father besides the sex that created the child?